I'm not an evil step mum please be kind!

justme111

**professor~yaffle** wrote: »

If someone were to disrespect me in my own house I don't care if it's for even 5 minutes a month, they wouldn't be welcome back!!

Well in that case living alone and god forbid having children is a straightforward option.

securityguy

**professor~yaffle** wrote: »

If someone were to disrespect me in my own house I don't care if it's for even 5 minutes a month, they wouldn't be welcome back!!

Unless the OP's domestic arrangements are fairly non-standard, it isn't her own house, and her husband has just the same rights over it as she does.

Person_one

**professor~yaffle** wrote: »

If someone were to disrespect me in my own house I don't care if it's for even 5 minutes a month, they wouldn't be welcome back!!

If every parent or step-parent felt that way we'd all be in care by age 3!

Blackpool_Saver

OP, do you have any relationship with the ex, do you speak at all, or does she drop them off and drive away....

spamalot

Phew, what a day! DH and I had a very long heart-to-heart today over many cups of tea. I told him exactly how I felt, he told me how he felt. I told him how I felt that I needed to withdraw for a while and to my surprise he thought it might be a good idea. Maybe it was the crazy look in my eyes that said 'I have a lot of hormones in my system buster, you don't want to mess with the pregnant lady!' But seriously, I said we've got a lot to deal with in the next few months, a bit of peace and quiet is what I need and he thought it would be best for all three of us. I'm afraid I was quite brutal in my viewpoint of the situation, he was quite brutal in his, but then began to soften and opened up a bit more. He said that he didn't feel like he could be an effective parent in the short time he has and that he didn't want their time with him to be negative. I understood this, but pointed out 'a stitch in time saves nine' as in nip it in the bud and it doesn't become an issue ( also one that does need stitches if I pick up a frying pan!!!). We talked and talked and he says he gets what I'm saying. I think actions speak louder than words so next time he's got to nip things in the bud before they become an issue, then we can all relax and enjoy their time here.

He did start to open up about the girls behaviour and things that frustrated him. Apparently YSD thinks that she is my favourite and told DH so! He said he almost spat his tea across the room when she said this and couldn't understand how she could misread a situation so badly. He said it made him realise that her judgement wasn't necessarily what he thought it was. YSD seems to think that she is everyone's favourite however she behaves. Tbh I thought this was quite sad as it shows she wants to be everyone's favourite and is clearly craving attention but is going about it the wrong way. I think she might be a bit all over the place.

DH accepts its not my place to fix her problems and that its more important to have a direct relationship with her rather than putting expectations on me.

Anyway, I get some time out to have my baby and we're going to have a rethink once the dust has settled.

spamalot

Blackpool_Saver wrote: »

OP, do you have any relationship with the ex, do you speak at all, or does she drop them off and drive away....

The ex won't EVER speak to DH at all. No communication nothing. He has tried over the years to speak to her but she won't return calls or come to the phone. Letters go unanswered. She will not drive them anywhere to see him or contribute in that direction ever. When he picks them up she is always out, he hasn't seen her in years. As soon as they divorced she cut him out and doesn't acknowledge his existence at all, I think this is a shame because a bit of co-parenting might have stopped some of these issue early on.

Yorkie1

Well done to both you and your OH for managing to have that chat, resulting in what sounds like a fairly non-defensive outcome.

I suspect it might be difficult for you both on the next visit because you'll be watching your steps because of the history, but if you can try to remain positive then there's every hope of your stress levels coming down.

Good luck for the next few weeks!

Carl31

spamalot wrote: »

The ex won't EVER speak to DH at all. No communication nothing. He has tried over the years to speak to her but she won't return calls or come to the phone. Letters go unanswered. She will not drive them anywhere to see him or contribute in that direction ever. When he picks them up she is always out, he hasn't seen her in years. As soon as they divorced she cut him out and doesn't acknowledge his existence at all, I think this is a shame because a bit of co-parenting might have stopped some of these issue early on.

I imagine this is a big part of your issue, I doubt your oh or you are highly spoken about at home, now you have a baby on the way, probably even less

Your stepdaughters have probably heard years of poison words about you, and are probably confused, as their mum says one thing, and they know another, but loyalty and the fact they don't see you much means their mum will prevail

Imo, i think as long as you are the best person you can be, and try and ignore their BS, just be arole model for them, thats all you can do. Maybe try and manage them one a one to one basis where you can, people open up more usually that way

paddy's_mum

You sure as hell don't sound 'evil' to me - you come across as a fair minded woman who is being driven beyond her limits of tolerance because she is having to fight three people to try to gain at least minimal respect and civility. You should not be having to battle - have these young women any concept at all of basic courtesy? Has their father?

I am a stepmother and to be honest, your story brought me to the edge of tears since I have also been subjected over many years to a similar type of behaviour. I recognise and, my Lord, I believe every last word you have said. It is soul destroying when you love someone, when you are doing your best to be a decent human being but are consistently viewed, and furthermore treated, as the devil's own by their (adult) offspring! What's more, Daddy or Mummy sits back and enjoys it because somehow it makes them feel wanted, valued and important!

I would echo what others have suggested and just, quite simply, back off and leave them to it since nothing you have done so far seems to have earned you even an ounce of credit. Leave this spineless, idiotic and short sighted man to deal with the results of his own ineptitude - I find myself unable to comprehend him finding a daughter's behaviour 'uncomfortable' but then doing absolutely nothing about it. Does the word 'lazy' or 'cowardly' fit the bill?

Frankly (being an arsey little madame on occasion) I'd be confronting Daddy and asking him whether he wants a divorce now or would he prefer to wait until after the baby is born.

I wish all of you well and recognise that locking swords isn't the right approach for you but I did want you to know that there are other readers who understand, to the nth degree, what you are currently suffering and enduring. Good luck and keep your chin up. All things pass.

Person_one

spamalot wrote: »

Apparently YSD thinks that she is my favourite and told DH so! He said he almost spat his tea across the room when she said this and couldn't understand how she could misread a situation so badly.

She thinks you genuinely like her.

Does that not make you slightly question your certainty that they don't like you/see you as competition etc?