I'm not an evil step mum please be kind!

Ballabriggs

Pops, whilst I agree with you that children do have long term effects from the fall out of divorce at some point they do have to take responsibility for their own actions and not blame it on their past. Many children come from horrible, horrible backgrounds and go on to become well balanced adults. Don't forget that 19 is old enough to join the army and go to Afghanistan to fight as a soldier, drink alcohol, get married, buy a house or a car, (if you are lucky enough to have the money!!!), be charged as an adult in a crime and go to prison and so on. I think the more we blur the lines between children and adults we end up with generations that feel they are not accountable for their own actions. Now I appreciate that the examples I have given are extreme in comparison to what the OP has said about their behaviour, but I think we need to remember that we are talking about one adult and one child. Whilst a lot of mothers will disagree and cite their own kids as examples of how 19 is not yet an adult, society doesn't share that view.

OP you sound like a lovely caring person who has done her best. Keep strong and keep talking to your husband. Regardless of what has gone on and how things might be viewed by the SDs you need to reset the boundaries so that everyone feels happy. It would happen in any so called normal family with the arrival of a new addition, so why not yours. It is you and your husband's home first and foremost, so you both need to decide on the ground rules together and then enforce them.

I disagree with the posters who have said that you should just stay in the background in your own home and just let it be about your husband and SDs, this is a recipe for disaster IMHO. You need to be a united front, not divided into you and then him and the SDs, this does not make a family! You are just as important as any other person there not a second class citizen! I think a concerted effort from both of you will make life a lot happier all round. Change might be uncomfortable for them but they will adapt and might be happier in the long run because they are clearly not that happy now!

Good luck!

masonsmum

I used to be a step-parent too my ex husband had a daughter from a previous relationship who was 4 years old when I met him, I tried my best to develop some sort of relationship with her but she would come into our home and ignore me and draw me dirty looks as well, my ex chose to do nothing about it and her behaviour was ignored where as I would never let my children treat anyone that way!

I took her shopping, days out we took her on holidays and nothing worked at all I was still treated like dirt and when my baby son came along he was ignored too and it came to a point that when my ex husband had access with his daughter he took her away (to his parents, days out etc) so she did not need to see me or my son??

As you can guess this only drove a larger divide into our family life and eventually we split up (not the sole reason but certainly didnt help) my ex has regular access to our son and DS says anytime his "big sister" is there she doesnt speak to him just sits on her phone and doesnt interact, she is 18 now and thankfully DS doesnt see her very often as I am quite sure it would effect him as he didnt know why he was treated like that.

I can sympathise with you its a horrible tough situation but if your husband doesnt step up to the mark and stop letting his daughters treating you like that somethings got to give! It all comes down to him and what he lets them away with and if it doesnt you will only get more bitter! x

pops5588

Ballabriggs wrote: »

Pops, whilst I agree with you that children do have long term effects from the fall out of divorce at some point they do have to take responsibility for their own actions and not blame it on their past.

So far all we know about these kids is that one of them thinks the OP likes her. We know nothing else other than a couple of examples of behaviour which are classic symptoms of a disruptive divorce and not having enough time with the positive influence in their life (ie. the father in this case). For all we know the 19 year old could be an active member of her community, have a steady job, savings in the bank blah blah blah. All I'm saying is that a lot of people on here have been very quick to do the very un-adult thing of calling them brats, spoilt etc. when realistically none of us know anything. When I was about 19/20 I found my step mother had written some truly terrible (not to mention libellous) things about me online and it was all up for discussion amongst her and her friends when none of them knew anything other than what she had made up. I was devastated. I'm not saying OP is making it up, but we have one persons take on a situation which involves other people and we don't know what is going on with the children in this.

Ballabriggs wrote: »

Many children come from horrible, horrible backgrounds and go on to become well balanced adults.

Yes, gradually. At 24 I reckon I'm just about there, but it has taken me a lot of therapy and a lot of patience from family and friends. I would also say that it's very hard to go on to become a polite, well-balanced adult when their mother is constantly drip-dropping poison into their ears as OP has said she is.

Ballabriggs wrote: »

Don't forget that 19 is old enough to join the army and go to Afghanistan to fight as a soldier, drink alcohol, get married, buy a house or a car, (if you are lucky enough to have the money!!!), be charged as an adult in a crime and go to prison and so on.

Yes but we aren't talking major life changes such as prison are we, we are talking about dirty looks that are hurting the OP's feelings.

Ballabriggs wrote: »

I think the more we blur the lines between children and adults we end up with generations that feel they are not accountable for their own actions.

The only one who is allowing their actions to continue without comment is their father, and he really is the adult here. They may not even realise what they are doing, which I believe is very much supported by the fact the youngest believes OP likes her!! They aren't currently accountable for their own actions because thus far no one has held them to account! That is their father's responsibility!

Ballabriggs wrote: »

Now I appreciate that the examples I have given are extreme in comparison to what the OP has said about their behaviour, but I think we need to remember that we are talking about one adult and one child. Whilst a lot of mothers will disagree and cite their own kids as examples of how 19 is not yet an adult, society doesn't share that view.

Yes, we are talking about one young adult and one child and it makes me uncomfortable when I see them being called nasty names by a bunch of strangers when they have no say and we know nothing about them. I appreciate everything you say, but having been there myself my opinion will not be changed on that.

ETA: Sorry but as far as I can see, OP came on here afraid of being labelled as evil and horrible. Clearly she is not. She has done all she can. But how does that make it right for any of us to judge and label the kids instead? No doubt they are all just trying to wade through the mud of the !!!!py situation they have found themselves in. OP, I would just add that if they haven't already had some kind of counselling maybe that would be a good step for them.

Person_one

pops5588 wrote: »

ETA: Sorry but as far as I can see, OP came on here afraid of being labelled as evil and horrible. Clearly she is not. She has done all she can. But how does that make it right for any of us to judge and label the kids instead? No doubt they are all just trying to wade through the mud of the !!!!py situation they have found themselves in. OP, I would just add that if they haven't already had some kind of counselling maybe that would be a good step for them.

Very very good point.

Ballabriggs

pops5588 wrote: »

So far all we know about these kids is that one of them thinks the OP likes her. We know nothing else other than a couple of examples of behaviour which are classic symptoms of a disruptive divorce and not having enough time with the positive influence in their life (ie. the father in this case). For all we know the 19 year old could be an active member of her community, have a steady job, savings in the bank blah blah blah. All I'm saying is that a lot of people on here have been very quick to do the very un-adult thing of calling them brats, spoilt etc. when realistically none of us know anything. When I was about 19/20 I found my step mother had written some truly terrible (not to mention libellous) things about me online and it was all up for discussion amongst her and her friends when none of them knew anything other than what she had made up. I was devastated. I'm not saying OP is making it up, but we have one persons take on a situation which involves other people and we don't know what is going on with the children in this.



Yes, gradually. At 24 I reckon I'm just about there, but it has taken me a lot of therapy and a lot of patience from family and friends. I would also say that it's very hard to go on to become a polite, well-balanced adult when their mother is constantly drip-dropping poison into their ears as OP has said she is.



Yes but we aren't talking major life changes such as prison are we, we are talking about dirty looks that are hurting the OP's feelings.

yes exactly as I said, which you have acknowledged later on in your post. I am by no means saying that they are at this stage, I am putting into context where he oldest SD is in terms of being responsible for their own behaviour. I also think at just saying its hurt feelings on the part of the OP is a little patronising, she is clearly unhappy and at the end of her tether.

The only one who is allowing their actions to continue without comment is their father, and he really is the adult here. They may not even realise what they are doing, which I believe is very much supported by the fact the youngest believes OP likes her!! They aren't currently accountable for their own actions because thus far no one has held them to account! That is their father's responsibility!

agree that the dad needs to step up and tell them what effect their behaviour is having. I get the impression this is going to be their next step.

Yes, we are talking about one young adult and one child and it makes me uncomfortable when I see them being called nasty names by a bunch of strangers when they have no say and we know nothing about them. I appreciate everything you say, but having been there myself my opinion will not be changed on that.

ETA: Sorry but as far as I can see, OP came on here afraid of being labelled as evil and horrible. Clearly she is not. She has done all she can. But how does that make it right for any of us to judge and label the kids instead? No doubt they are all just trying to wade through the mud of the !!!!py situation they have found themselves in. OP, I would just add that if they haven't already had some kind of counselling maybe that would be a good step for them.

You clearly had a rough time when you were a young adult. Did she do this when you were a child? Did you ever confront your step mother about her behaviour? You say that there were a lot of untruths but are you sure that there wasn't blame on both sides? I don't know your story and you don't have to share it it on here but it is very easy to blame it all on one person rather than potentially considering how we ourselves have contributed to a situation. Posting bad things on the Internet was very wrong but it must have been the result of an ongoing situation, not out of the blue.

I'd like to point out that I have not said nasty things about the SDs and I wouldn't support that at all.

We're getting off track here. OP I still think you are now going in the right direction.

SandC

Not a great situation to be in but to be honest I see a hell of a lot of overcompensation towards children because of the guilt that parents feel when they split up and the family isn't the one unit it once was.

Of course it is a really dreadful time of change and turmoil for the children and again so when any new partners come into play. But it is also for the parents too.

Children are very adaptable and I think that's been forgotten somewhere along the line. We don't particularly want to go back to times when they were 'seen and not heard' but I think we passed the middle ground somehow.

I was just thinking the day about my brother's situation when we were kids.....

Our mum passed away when I was 10 and he was 11. We lived in NE Scotland but it had been decided (probably when mum was diagnosed as terminally ill) that we would move back to England to be nearer family. So that's what we did, 6 months after her death - but because of dad's job, some hour or more drive from our relatives. Of course both of us had to go to new schools and make new friends. My brother, though, being 11 years old and there being some differences between scottish education and english, found himself being sent directly to secondary school.

So these days children are 'broken in' gently to senior schooling, he not only had lost his mum, moved away from all his friends, but had to go to a big, frightening school and join in with things like French and science nearly 1 year behind everyone else.

Yet he sucked it up and got on with it.

When Dad married our stepmum a couple of years later - I'm not saying it was all plain sailing but - we had the same respect for her as we did for our dad. She, as an adult, was in charge just like dad was and he would have been appalled if we'd treated her badly or played him off against her.

I say start thinking of yourself and new baby and stop pandering to his girls. And quite frankly he needs sitting down and setting straight. He may not have been totally at fault in the past as it's gone on so long, but he can start to make changes right now for the future.

princeofpounds

Read most (not all) of the thread. And frankly my sympathies are with all parties, none of whom appear to be in a position they really want to be. Unfortunately the responsibility for improving things kind of relies on all three parties (OP, the dad and the girls) and that may be some time in coming.

But my main thought is that these girls are so close into growing up properly. This will probably ease many of the tensions as long as the OP is civil towards them (thereby always allowing the relationship to get better if the other two parties can get themselves organised and motivated) - as they mature they may well gain more appreciation of what adult life is about and a more adult view of how relationships work.

I would imagine that getting boyfriends would be a big help; an alternative source of male attention.

What I think is utterly critical is that when they finish their studies they don't just boomerang back home. Nothing makes people grow up more than work and paying the bills.

I think it is also important to be less 'spoiling' when they get home. I don't think it would be productive to be cold or anything but stuff like the presents and clothes should stop. A benign neglect rather than getting actively tough. If they are upset, the message shouldn't be 'you don't deserve presents and I don't like you wearing my clothes', it should be 'you're old enough not to need silly presents and too mature be wearing the clothes of someone who is a whole generation older than you'. There is a powerful implied message behind that which may help shift their sense of self-identity.

GobbledyGook

If they have been kept young/babied by Mum that could easily explain them acting young. Taking into account the things said by their Mum, the upheaval of Mum remarrying (especially if step-dad has the same issues as you, but has stamped on it quickly) plus the new baby it's not overly surprising they are acting up.

I think the favourite comment from your younger step daughter is very telling. Between that and the actions you've mentioned she seems to have a very big need to liked/loved. At 16, being babied, and having been through a bit (living in an atmosphere where your Dad who you love is slated a lot cannot be easy) it's not overly surprising she's playing up.

What she needs now imo is her Dad to take her to task for any rudeness, but also to reassure her that she'll never be less important to him.

If her Mum threatened to kill herself over a holiday then she clearly spends the majority of her time in a house where things can get very unpleasant.

pops5588

Ballabriggs wrote: »

You clearly had a rough time when you were a young adult. Did she do this when you were a child? Did you ever confront your step mother about her behaviour? You say that there were a lot of untruths but are you sure that there wasn't blame on both sides? I don't know your story and you don't have to share it it on here but it is very easy to blame it all on one person rather than potentially considering how we ourselves have contributed to a situation. Posting bad things on the Internet was very wrong but it must have been the result of an ongoing situation, not out of the blue.

Her first act of crazy was giving me a Norah Jones CD when I was 14 and then calling the police and telling them I stole from her. I can laugh looking back but at the time it was lots of things like that that left me very confused and unsure of where I stood with the "new family". Unfortunately it was very quickly established that I was bottom of the pile, but I won't take any blame for that. I made every effort to try with my step-mother, but she very clearly has some issues which are nothing to do with me.

It really is as simple as the fact that she resented us and tried to undermine us where she could. I don't believe anything I said or did over the years warranted her telling the population of Facebook that I was an alcoholic prostitute who woke up in the gutter everyday :beer: though I think I did call her a cow once when I was 13...that was probably what I did to deserve that...

Ballabriggs wrote: »

I'd like to point out that I have not said nasty things about the SDs and I wouldn't support that at all.

Yes, apologies if it comes across that way by us responding to each other directly. I made that point in my initial post on the previous page and certainly wasn't directed at you.

Ballabriggs wrote: »

We're getting off track here. OP I still think you are now going in the right direction.

I agree. I just wanted to offer a different perspective on this situation. Either way, I still don't think it's right to bash the step-kids on here. I wish the OP and her family well of course

ETA: Actually one thing I would say OP is that if the 16-year-old SD is openly discussing that she is your favourite with the 19-year-old, this could potentially be why she has continued to be very standoffish with you. Just a thought

spamalot

I want to make it clear i didn't come on here asking people to call them names. If others have done that, then that's up to them but that is not what I was looking for.

Balla, your points regarding young adults and accountability has really got me thinking. OSD is still studying and has never had any kind of work, paid or otherwise outside of school.OH and I talked to her to suggest she get some summer or Xmas work so she could have a bit of money in her pocket and ease into the adult world. she wasn't interested at all, claiming there were no buses to take her into town at that time (this isn't true as DH looked at the bus timetable with her).

She has definitely been infantilised, probably why she has lost quite a few friends who seem to have been keener to grow up and do more adult stuff. I think that this treatment hasn't done her any favours and we seem to be reaping what has been sown. I do fear for them in terms of long term consequences and keeping pace with their peers, but I have to take a step back on this.