I'm not an evil step mum please be kind!

pops5588

spamalot wrote: »

I want to make it clear i didn't come on here asking people to call them names. If others have done that, then that's up to them but that is not what I was looking for.

Balla, your points regarding young adults and accountability has really got me thinking. OSD is still studying and has never had any kind of work, paid or otherwise outside of school.OH and I talked to her to suggest she get some summer or Xmas work so she could have a bit of money in her pocket and ease into the adult world. she wasn't interested at all, claiming there were no buses to take her into town at that time (this isn't true as DH looked at the bus timetable with her).

She has definitely been infantilised, probably why she has lost quite a few friends who seem to have been keener to grow up and do more adult stuff. I think that this treatment hasn't done her any favours and we seem to be reaping what has been sown. I do fear for them in terms of long term consequences and keeping pace with their peers, but I have to take a step back on this.

I would agree, it's very unusual IMO to come across a 19-year-old who has never had any kind of job and she probably has no concept of what it is that you and your husband have provided for her.

I also agree to take a step back on this. You need to think about you and the baby for a bit because this is clearly going to be a long road ahead.

FBaby

I take it that your last long posts referred to a number of mine which is fine. Of course posts were about posters own experiences that's what it is about, you can then take what you want and what you don't and it is inevitable that a lot of it won't be relevant. However whatever the trigger for issues within a relationship I think it is least common that no-one is at fault at all. You seem to put a lot of blame on the girls, your oh and now their mum but really little about what you potentially have not done best or could do differently to make the situation better. Again it might just be because you are looking for suggestions rather than discussing your input in the situation but so far is been all about your oh realising that you are right and nothing about him being maybe right about some aspects of the issues. I know that I rebuilt my relationship with my SM and her with my dad when we all accepted we could have done things differently.

I just hope that you can find ways to deal with the girls together that won't just involve upsetting them too much because they are now at an age where they could just decide not to have any contact with their dad at all and the last your would want is him suddenly blaming you if that happened.

spamalot

princeofpounds wrote: »

I would imagine that getting boyfriends would be a big help; an alternative source of male attention.

i would love for this to happen as I think it would be a huge step forward. Plus if they brought their boyfriends I might have someone to talk to who is feeling as equally awkward as I do! But I fear that this isn't going to happen for a long, long time. I won't go into details but trust me it ain't gonna happen any time soon!

What I think is utterly critical is that when they finish their studies they don't just boomerang back home. Nothing makes people grow up more than work and paying the bills. .

OSD is at uni and came home 10 days after she started. Ever since the longest she has gone without going home is two weeks. I fear that she will boomerang straight home as soon as her course is finished, all the signs are there.

pimento

spamalot wrote: »

...practically hand over my wardrobe as they never come suitably dressed ...

Suitably dressed for what? Why do you care what they wear? Are they feeling your disapproval?

spamalot

Arthien wrote: »

The thought had occurred to me though, regarding them borrowing your clothes, that milky-sick, poo and wee stains may take the shine off your wardrobe and might serve as a suitable 'reminder' for them to bring their own in future

:rotfl::rotfl::rotfl:

That really made me laugh! So much to look forward to!

spamalot

pimento wrote: »

Suitably dressed for what? Why do you care what they wear? Are they feeling your disapproval?

Example, it's pouring with rain outside, it's the middle of winter and they don't have a jacket or anything waterproof at all. It's cold outside and they say they are cold but have not brought a jumper with them and instead are weary skimpy t-shirts. DH has taken them shopping for clothes regularly so it's not as if they don't have anything to wear. In fact we spent a fortune on a good designer jacket recently for YSD!

They ask to take the dogs out for a walk up to a week before they arrive but don't have anything to wear on their feet except girly twinkly shoes. I know they have wellies as DH has bought them for them which they wanted to take home.

I could go on and on.

I don't care if they turn up in kangaroo onesies! They complain to us they don't have the right clothes.

I wasn't thinking of ball gowns or tiaras!!

I don't care what anyone says, it is a bit weird the YSD turning up, going through my clothes, picking what to wear so she looks like a mini me and then walking down the street, walking my dog (i had them when i met my husband) holding my husbands hand or sitting on his lap in the pub. I didn't say anything to anyone, my Mum pointed out it was a bit odd, she made a joke about 'the hand that rocks the cradle!' Not in front of SD btw! I have put my foot down now and told DH this has to stop. They need to learn to pack accordingly.

movingon

I recognise the glaring. I will translate it for you: It means- "I am very mad, sad and confused; you have to guess which one, feel sorry for me and make soothing noises and make me feel better. I can't actually say the words out loud, because I don't feel its safe to do so, so you have to notice that there is something wrong in my heart and my head, and fix it.


I too have SDs who have been kept very very young for their ages, by their mother. I have learned that mind-reading is an art. I worry about their futures and the choices they might make, and am frustrated by my DH's apparent oblivion on the subject. I know they are young women, but he does not. They are troubled and it is hard to help them and see them. All I can do, and all you can do, is try to be patient and loving.


Nothing ever stays the same, for ever.


Enjoy your pregnancy and your new baby. Good Luck

GobbledyGook

spamalot wrote: »

I don't care what anyone says, it is a bit weird the YSD turning up, going through my clothes, picking what to wear so she looks like a mini me and then walking down the street, walking my dog (i had them when i met my husband) holding my husbands hand or sitting on his lap in the pub. I didn't say anything to anyone, my Mum pointed out it was a bit odd, she made a joke about 'the hand that rocks the cradle!' Not in front of SD btw! I have put my foot down now and told DH this has to stop. They need to learn to pack accordingly.

So your step-daughter basically wants to be you....

You have* her Dad, you have nice clothes, you have dogs and you don't have a Mum at home badmouthing her Dad and threatening suicide.

Maybe in the eyes of SD you have everything and she wants that, but because she is so initialised she has no idea how to go out and get that for herself so all she can do is have it for two days a month at your house?

(* have as in you have him all the time not just 2 days and have in the eyes of a teenage girl)

princeofpounds

OSD is at uni and came home 10 days after she started. Ever since the longest she has gone without going home is two weeks. I fear that she will boomerang straight home as soon as her course is finished, all the signs are there.

Then you and your OH need to discuss this properly. It would not be fair on her to give her the wrong expectations about coming home.

I knew a few people at university who were extreme in this area. Home every weekend, bringing food back from mummy.

None of them really did well out of it - it stopped them committing to the university experience if they weren't around at weekends. Not just going out, also the clubs and cooking in halls and simple things like that.

Most of them grew out of it after a year though.

I don't think the situation is hopeless. Once a month is not an inappropriate frequency to be at home. But everyone should be clear on what the expectation is when they are fininshed.

It also motivates the job search. The people who went home often had less drive to search as they knew they could go home and search at leisure.

Georgiegirl256

spamalot wrote: »

Example, it's pouring with rain outside, it's the middle of winter and they don't have a jacket or anything waterproof at all. It's cold outside and they say they are cold but have not brought a jumper with them and instead are weary skimpy t-shirts. DH has taken them shopping for clothes regularly so it's not as if they don't have anything to wear. In fact we spent a fortune on a good designer jacket recently for YSD!

They ask to take the dogs out for a walk up to a week before they arrive but don't have anything to wear on their feet except girly twinkly shoes. I know they have wellies as DH has bought them for them which they wanted to take home.

I could go on and on.

I don't care if they turn up in kangaroo onesies! They complain to us they don't have the right clothes.

I wasn't thinking of ball gowns or tiaras!!

I don't care what anyone says, it is a bit weird the YSD turning up, going through my clothes, picking what to wear so she looks like a mini me and then walking down the street, walking my dog (i had them when i met my husband) holding my husbands hand or sitting on his lap in the pub. I didn't say anything to anyone, my Mum pointed out it was a bit odd, she made a joke about 'the hand that rocks the cradle!' Not in front of SD btw! I have put my foot down now and told DH this has to stop. They need to learn to pack accordingly.

It sounds to me that they admire you and want to emulate you in so many ways, but are perhaps sensing negativity from you.

This is going to sound blunt here, but it has to be said. IMO you don't sound very accepting of them, you appear to resent them. As someone else mentioned, they're looking to you for approval, but you don't seem to be giving it to them.

A lot of girls their age and younger look up to adults and want to be like them, and just want to be loved and accepted. Are you not totally accepting of them? Are you the one who's jealous of having to share your husband with them rather than the other way round?