I'm not an evil step mum please be kind!

FBaby

Unless the OP's domestic arrangements are fairly non-standard, it isn't her own house, and her husband has just the same rights over it as she does.

And I would add their home too. It's not because they are there only two days a month that they shouldn't feel at home when they see their dad. That was exactly how it started to go wrong in my case. My SM made sure that I didn't feel welcome when I went by constantly watching my every move and telling me not to do this or that to the point where I felt constantly self-conscious about everything I did that I felt like I was staying at the Queen's house. As a result, I just wanted to be out with my dad all the time, which inevitably she resented. A vicious circle.

Your stepdaughters have probably heard years of poison words about you, and are probably confused, as their mum says one thing, and they know another, but loyalty and the fact they don't see you much means their mum will prevail

And how would you reach that conclusion knowing nothing at all of the mum when the girls clearly adore their dad....

And he should be teaching his children how to behave when they do spend time in his house. Just because they are being brattish doesn't mean that should be allowed to continue.

And OP should accept some responsibility for this rather than resenting her SD for their behaviour and putting all the blame on her husband when she openly encouraged it.

I think there is a clear trend that errupts from almost every thread about step-children. A step-mother too eager from the start, trying much too hard to gain the love of the step-children, yet having some issues with the closeness they have with their father, and then making a 160 degres turn when the efforts are not rewarded the way it was expected and blaming the father for it.

It's been said many times, but when you take on a man with children, you have to accept that there will be compromises that will need to be made that wouldn't be there with a childfree man. That's just the way it is and even though everyone deserves to be respected, when there are issues that start to threatened the whole family, it becomes the responsibility of both adults to try to deal with it, not blaming one and expecting them to change things to suits them at the detriment of the others.

FBaby

In the case of OP, I think a lot of it comes down to OP's expectations of teenagers. There is clearly a generation gap and I think that might have a big part into it.

My children are good kids, but my OH has made comments at times that he thinks the children are rude. He doesn't have children himself, doesn't have niece or nephew, so only compares with himself when he was a child, often forgetting when he wasn't always an angel. For instance, he will say that I should never allow my son to respond to me when I ask him to do something. That's how it used to be indeed, but things are a bit different nowadays. I certainly make it clear to my boy that I expect him to get on with things without challenging me, but the reality is that just about every parents of 11 yo boys get the 'but' from their sons!

Thankfully, my OH understands that to get something out of my kids, he has to make the first move. If they fail to say hello, instead of mulling over it and complaining that they are rude, he will himself give them a jolly hello, which they respond to right away, and will take it upon himself to ask them how their day has gone, mentioning a particular event. They will then become more responsive. The reality is that they are good responders when encouraged, but not so good at making the first move.

spamalot

Morning all,

Thank you for your comments. Tbh like any forum, there is some advice I will take on board and some I'm just going to let go. I think a lot of people have made assumptions about me and the situation, which is fair enough because you don't really know what any situation in like from a few posts on the Internet or the personalities involved.

I know in my heart that I have bent over backwards trying to make them feel comfortable and that this is their home, so I'm not accepting that I haven't. Even DH mentioned this yesterday.

As an aside, I didn't mention the ex until asked, but since it has been brought up, I know for a fact that we have been bad mouthed in her house. DHs ex MIL used to have a go at DH on a regular basis, which is ironic given it was the ex who instigated the divorce. The first time we booked a holiday together the ex threatened to commit suicide if we went. Ex MIL took great delight in telling DH this. And before anyone starts saying the ex's behaviour is our fault, we have always paid more child maintenance that we need to, and yes I say we because it has required me to make up the financial shortfall in our house to enable him to do this. I would NEVER be with a man who doesn't pay child support. It's not about the law or the ex, its so when the kids are older they can look back and say 'my dad cared about me and made sure I was provided for regularly'. I think if a kid finds out when they are older that their dad didn't provide it must make them feel bad, so there was no way this was going to happen. DH made sure the ex got the house 100% so the kids had stability and his contact with them has been completely regular and unbroken since the time of the divorce. The ex tried to interfere with this but it didn't work and ended up backfiring on her. Now she is remarried thankfully everything has settled down and she seems to be happy which is great. We wish her well.

After our long talk yesterday, we did start to think that there has been a lot of keeping the girls young and immature so they remained dependant when the ex was on her own. Now she has a hubby perhaps this is causing tension which might be spilling over on to us. They must be feeling fairly confused in the change.

I think it's easy for people to project their own feelings on to my situation based on their past experiences and make assumptions about how I am like, especially on the internet. I would say until you've tried to be a step parent you really don't known what it's like. I was a step child myself, I have a step mum and step dad, and have a great relationship with both. But until you try the step parenting role you really don't know how it feels. I would like to say to those who aren't step parents but who have been really supportive - thank you for your compassion and perspective. I do appreciate it.

In terms of counselling, I have looked into this before and they advised that during pregnancy is not a good time to start this sort of counselling given the stress that it could create. DH and I talked about this yesterday, and to my surprise he said he felt he was probably carrying around a lot of guilt that was affecting his parenting confidence. I really respect him for being this honest.

Re: the dirty looks*at me, last night DH admitted that he had seen them but that he was confused and a bit upset as to why they were happening so stuck his head in the sand. He didn't think that they were capable of being like that and didn't want to admit it to himself as he still saw them as little girls. He said that was why he was so bewildered and confused when YSD said she thought she was my favourite!! So I'm not making it up or misinterpreting simple teenage behaviour!!!

* I think I may have given the wrong impression when I said dirty looks, I don't just mean a fleeting dirty look, I mean full on continuous glaring for a sustained period. Something I haven't experienced before. I work regularly with young people, a lot between the ages of 17-19 and I know the difference between sulky teenage looks, eye rolling and so on. This is definitely something different and glaring is the best I can describe it.

DigForVictory

OP, I am in awe that you've come here, copped flak as well as consolation & had an intelligent chat with your husband.

Right with you that with pregnancy hormones any counselling is not a good idea, but that for you both, later (if you can find the time & energy!) it might be a very good idea. (That you are impressed by your husband onn this point is something to write down & remember when you are ready to bean him with a teething aid.)

He's seen the dirty looks?! Splendid. The young ladies are in for a change of pace. Though with mum remarrying, god alone knows what is going on in their heads. With a bit of luck, they'll learn baby talk is for babies, courtesy is the minimum requirement, your wardrobe is yours (although [and I *hate* to say this] how much you'll still fit in another two years is moot, and you are not retreating - you are focusing on the new addition to your family for the health & wellbeing of all.

Wishing you all the very best, an easy delivery & a happy transition into motherhood & creating a new family together!

Prothet_of_Doom

Late teens you say ? Acting like 5 year olds? Look on the bright side, they'll be adult soon, and you'll be able to say "You are an adult now, so lets discuss the issue I have with ....."

spamalot

DigForVictory wrote: »

OP, I am in awe that you've come here, copped flak as well as consolation & had an intelligent chat with your husband.

Right with you that with pregnancy hormones any counselling is not a good idea, but that for you both, later (if you can find the time & energy!) it might be a very good idea. (That you are impressed by your husband onn this point is something to write down & remember when you are ready to bean him with a teething aid.)

He's seen the dirty looks?! Splendid. The young ladies are in for a change of pace. Though with mum remarrying, god alone knows what is going on in their heads. With a bit of luck, they'll learn baby talk is for babies, courtesy is the minimum requirement, your wardrobe is yours (although [and I *hate* to say this] how much you'll still fit in another two years is moot, and you are not retreating - you are focusing on the new addition to your family for the health & wellbeing of all.

Wishing you all the very best, an easy delivery & a happy transition into motherhood & creating a new family together!

Thanks Dig, you've made me smile. Tbh I probably knew I get some flak as its a subject that tends to divide people into two camps. I did think about posting on a specialist step parenting site, but I didn't just want everyone to agree with me. I wanted different opinions so I could test out my own feelings. This feedback has made me think and I've come to the conclusion, especially after the chat with OH, that I have tried my best, I haven't always got it right but I'm doing the best I can in challenging circumstances.

DigForVictory

Mine's a traditional if eccentric family, but my tombstone will read "It Worked For Us".

This is a mantra almost any parent will recognise, because no matter whose child, *everyone* has an opinion.

As for "not getting it right" - if we aren't making mistakes, we aren't learning & we're certainly not teaching the young adaptability. Mind whom you allow to judge you!

Glad you had a chuckle. May you heve many more!

(I'll leave you with the thought that if your new arrival hasn't left you shocked rigid & profoundly wishing you could be Anywhere But Here at least 5 times before they turn 18 - You Aren't Getting Your Money's Worth out of Parenting...)

seven-day-weekend

It must be SO hard for all concerned.

My husband had a stepfather who, after initial suspicion, he loved dearly. His natural father was not around though, I think this makes a difference. I'm just glad I have never had to deal with it.

I wish the OP and her family (including the stepdaughters and the new baby!) well and hope they all manage to make a good life together.

pops5588

I'm glad that you and your husband have had a conversation about how you're both feeling, OP. I do agree that it is easy for people to come on here and project their own situations onto you. I have really tried not to do that.

However I would like to say just one thing if I may, and maybe not specifically to you but in general to everyone who has said some rather derogatory things about your step-children. Watching your family and everything you have considered safe, secure and constant fall apart as a child is one of the most horrendous things you can go through as a kid. It really is.

It sounds like you and your husband have been more than reasonable in this OP, but in reality all it takes is for one parent to be unreasonable and the process entirely falls apart.

16 years old is still very young as far as I'm concerned. And at 19 I can safely say that I was still making very poor choices in my life due to the knock-on effects of my parents' acrimonious divorce. Regardless, they are still the children in the situation who are unfortunately a product of the situation they were put in by someone else.

Arthien

Having read the thread, I'd just like to say that I have NO idea how hard this situation must be for you OP, but you seem to have handled things very well so far by communicating with your husband and accepting that maybe things would be easier all round if you took a step back for a while. Good luck with it, and keep talking things over with your husband, communication is key!

The thought had occurred to me though, regarding them borrowing your clothes, that milky-sick, poo and wee stains may take the shine off your wardrobe and might serve as a suitable 'reminder' for them to bring their own in future