I'm not an evil step mum please be kind!

FBaby

In your current situation you definitely need to spend some time with yourself away from the stressful situation, but in the long term your partner really needs to start looking at things from your perspective. Relate is probably a good place to start.

I agree, but I think to make it work, BOTH need to look at the situation from eachother's perspective. There is no right or wrong, and no-one will be happy if everything is done to please the other whilst making them unhappy. It is about making efforts and agreeing compromises.

sharnad

Person_one wrote: »

The OP said he was glared at, but only YSD knows why, and a 'glare' is a bit subjective, isn't it?

The OP hasn't said a single nice thing about either of these girls, not one quality or personality trait she likes, not one happy memory or good experience. I realise she's very upset at the moment, but I'm not sure her insights into the reasons for the girl's behaviour are reliable right now.

Maybe after 8 years they haven't shown any nice traits. Op do they ever get you gifts make your tea take you out somewhere nice.

sharnad

FBaby wrote: »

Or maybe the dad WANT it all and has enough that his wanting to spend quality time with his kid is questioned by his wife. The way a man feels towards his kids is nothing like what his new wife will out of

So it was ok to act like this for years, rewarded year on year because it also suited the parents, but now because OP has a change of heart, everthing that had become the norm should change? All she risks doing this is definitely getting the dad turn against her because unless he totally agrees with her (which clearly he isn't), it will just give him more reason to consider OP as the bad guy. I personally think this is the worse thing all the negatives, let them be.

Yes the norm should change as it should not be the norm to treat someone like sht in there own home and the dad should buck his ideas up. Op you need to tell him its making you seriously unhappy and could affect your health. Your pregnant snd they are pretty much adults now. He needs to tell them they have to behaviour around you

msb5262

Can I just say that my children sometimes behave like the OP's stepchildren? They are just revolting teenagers and they know how to press adults' buttons. I don't think it's entirely due to the step relationship, more to do with adolescence...

pops5588

Hi OP, hope you are feeling ok today.

I just wanted to say that it is hugely tricky for anyone to make a judgement on what to do because unfortunately these things are all about context. Divorce and family breakdowns can vary hugely, I truly believe no two situations are the same and therefore it's hard to know what to suggest.

I will say that I have been a step-daughter from the age of 12. I will also say that I hate my step mother. With pretty much every fibre of my being. But she is a raging psychopath and made my life hell, and you don't come across as being like that at all.

Their attitude towards you could be a combination of a variety of factors that strangers online don't know about. For example, you may have been introduced quite quickly when they were still trying to adjust to a huge life change, they may resent that their family didn't work out and their father is starting a new one with you, and it could partly even be just good old-fashioned hormones. I really don't know. The only thing I wanted to say to you was talk to your husband!!! He is the common link between you all and he really needs to be the one to grab this by the horns and get it sorted. Please think carefully before you decide anything rash, you have already been through so much that this man must be worth it for you.

Put yourself first for a while. Have a bubble bath, take yourself out for a walk, watch a DVD, whatever helps you relax. But I do think you and your OH need to have this conversation.

themull1

Lieja wrote: »

My OH's daughter likes to mark her 'territory' with her dad too, it's natural. The difference is she's only seven years old! These girls do sound very young for their age - young adults should be able to understand how their actions might make somebody feel, especially their pregnant stepmum!

OH's daughter's favourite is to pull our hands apart if OH and I are holding hands, to which we never say anything, I just take my hand away to allow her to hold it and I go around the other side to take that one!

I've been made to feel like a guest in my own house at times by OH's family, particularly his mother who encourages spoilt behaviour by his DD. The difference in my situation is that OH totally listens when I explain my feelings and acts on them to modify this behaviour - to the extent that he wouldn't allow his mum in the house for a while!

In your current situation you definitely need to spend some time with yourself away from the stressful situation, but in the long term your partner really needs to start looking at things from your perspective. Relate is probably a good place to start.

Hugs to OP

I wouldnt have let the stepdaughter pull hands apart, i would have told her to go roung the other side, if you don't nip things in the bud, they will just get worse like the op's stepdaughters.

sussexchick

As a step-mum myself, I have total sympathy for you. I could have written your post myself, word for word !

My step kids were 4 and 5 when I first met them, they are now 24 and 25 ! I'm no longer with my husband and whilst I wouldn't pass any blame, it certainly hasn't been the easiest of relationships. My ex battled for years with the guilt that he walked out and left his 2 children. He didn't leave his children, he simply left his ex wife after she had an affair. I came on the scene 2 years later and at first the relationship with the children was good, until we had another child together with their dad ! Ex wife and her mother repeatedly told the children that dad and his new baby would take priority and he didn't want them any longer. Totally untrue but try explaining that to a 7 and 8 year old !

The sitting on the dads lap is the daughters way of marking her territory. She wants you to know that SHE is more important in her dads eyes than you and the baby are. She's young but in time, that will change and sitting on dads lap will be a huge embarrassment !

As for the clothes and the sharing of your wardrobe, take it as a compliment as my SD wouldn't be seen dead borrowing any of my things !:cool:

You need some boundaries and your DH needs to grow a backbone and support you. You need to stop trying too hard too (I did the same). Possibly DH is still consumed with guilt ?

Take some YOU time, but don't do this alone. Being a single parent is damn tough. You've survived 8 years with your SD's and you clearly think your DH is worth the effort.

Good luck to you

justme111

Umm , so your husband's daugters at yours for 2 days in a month and you are so unhappy due to them having command of tv on those days , sitting on their dad's lap , looking at you not in a pleasant way and giving monosillabic answers that you consider separating .

**professor~yaffle**

If someone were to disrespect me in my own house I don't care if it's for even 5 minutes a month, they wouldn't be welcome back!!

paulineb_2

justme111 wrote: »

Umm , so your husband's daugters at yours for 2 days in a month and you are so unhappy due to them having command of tv on those days , sitting on their dad's lap , looking at you not in a pleasant way and giving monosillabic answers that you consider separating .

I think theres far more to it than that. If they want to behave like that, let their dad see him on his own, even if its away from the family home, because clearly it doesnt feel like much of a home for the OP when shes being treated so negatively in it.

2 days is a long time when its being made clear to you you arent liked. And in your own home as well. How awful.