I'm not an evil step mum please be kind!

spamalot

Please be gentle with me I am genuine and feeling very emotionally fragile at the moment. I'm not sleeping and am very teary.

I'm currently 33 weeks pregnant and I don't think I can be a step mother anymore. I have felt trapped for so long but all my emotions have come bursting to the surface recently. I know some might say hormones but I think it's a mixture.

I have two SDs who are both in their late teens. I've known them since they were little and I've tried everything to integrate with them, make them feel welcome and comfortable. It just seems the older they get the more difficult it is. When they come and stay I always buy a little present to put on their pillow, practically hand over my wardrobe as they never come suitably dressed and give them space with their dad so I'm not crowding them. We eat exactly what they want, watch what they want on tv and basically pander to their every whim! In return I get nothing but one word answers, evil looks and the youngest one draping herself over my husband to the point that it is obscene, I kid you not! I have never said a word, kept smiling and just tried to keep it light, but tbh I've reached the end of my tether. I am sick of getting glared at and made to feel like an outsider in my own home. When I hug them hello it's like hugging a plank of wood, nothing there.

I've tried talking to my husband about how I feel and it just goes in one ear and out the other. He just says its a phase and they'll grow out of it, but nothing is changing and I'm getting more and more down. The more I try to tell him how I feel the more he defends them. I know this is natural but I feel like I'm banging my head against a brick wall. He says that my view is making him feel resentful towards me, but I already feel resentful! I just can't get through to him.

Things have come to a head recently as I've started to realise that my new little baby will probably be on the receiving end of this treatment as well given how the youngest has reacted to the fact we are having a baby. The thought of it makes me weepy and tbh my inner 'mummy bear' is raising its head. My baby deserves a secure childhood as well, free from tension and negativity.

I was a step kid myself so I've bent over backwards trying to see things from their point of view, but I know for a fact I never behaved like they do. I would have been mortified in how babyish they act in order to get attention. OHs family are not very supportive and I get the message loud and clear that I'm just the second wife so I should just put up with it.

Please don't say 'you knew what you were signing up for when you married him so just suck it up' that is so pointless and tbh has probably pushed a lot of step mums into depression. No one knows how things will pan out, if they did we'd all be living perfect lives.

I'm at the point where I'm thinking of going it alone to give bub a happy, stress free environment to grow up in. I'm so stressed out and feeling so trapped. Please help me.

venetianlagoon

Show your husband that post.

Person_one

What do you want to happen?

The fact is, as long as you are with your husband, you will be a step-parent, you can't opt out, or resign! He feels about them as you feel about your baby, or i'd hope he does. It can't be easy, and it sounds as though you're trying your best, but remember that it isn't easy for anybody involved.

It sounds like the problem here is between you and your Husband, and is mainly one of communication. You say he defends them, well, any parent would if they felt their children were being attacked, what are you expecting from him when you bring the subject up?

Have you considered Relate? It could be just for the two of you at first and if you feel that it would help maybe you could suggest going as a family with the girls?

j.e.j.

spamalot wrote: »

I have two SDs who are both in their late teens. I've known them since they were little and I've tried everything to integrate with them, make them feel welcome and comfortable. It just seems the older they get the more difficult it is. When they come and stay I always buy a little present to put on their pillow, practically hand over my wardrobe as they never come suitably dressed and give them space with their dad so I'm not crowding them. We eat exactly what they want, watch what they want on tv and basically pander to their every whim! In return I get nothing but one word answers, evil looks and the youngest one draping herself over my husband to the point that it is obscene, I kid you not! I have never said a word, kept smiling and just tried to keep it light, but tbh I've reached the end of my tether. I am sick of getting glared at and made to feel like an outsider in my own home. When I hug them hello it's like hugging a plank of wood, nothing there.

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I'm at the point where I'm thinking of going it alone to give bub a happy, stress free environment to grow up in. I'm so stressed out and feeling so trapped. Please help me.

Both in their late teens?? It's time to stop being a doormat to these little madams and start practising some tough love, and what better time to start than now, when your own little one is on the way.

I could understand it if they were 9 and 10, perhaps, and still reeling from their parents divorce.

I would tell your husband what you've told us here, especially the last paragraph, and make it clear that you're not going to tolerate being treated like this in your own house for one minute longer, sorry!

Artytarty

You poor thing! I have a step mum too and I always disliked her when I was younger as to like her, no mater how kind she was! was to be disloyal to my own mum.so please don't take it personally.
Might it not be the case that they are scared of the new baby arriving and taking all their daddy's attention? In reality, it may well bring you together, as they are more than likely to fall in love with the baby and you can have that common bond.
It's very tough, but have faith that it will be ok!
Fwiw I now get on pretty well with my sm, I can see how she was behind many of the things my dad did for me and bought me.

lika_86

Why are you trying so hard to get them to like you? They don't have to (and you don't have to like them), they just have to tolerate you and you them for those times when you have to be together.

Don't buy them presents when they come to stay (would you do this for other family members?), don't let them watch whatever they want on TV if you want to watch something different.

It seems to me like you're trying to force a kind of relationship that just won't ever be there (or at least not in the short-term).

Mojisola

j.e.j. wrote: »

Both in their late teens?? It's time to stop being a doormat to these little madams and start practising some tough love, and what better time to start than now, when your own little one is on the way.

I would tell your husband what you've told us here, especially the last paragraph, and make it clear that you're not going to tolerate being treated like this in your own house for one minute longer, sorry!

Got to agree with this. Stop letting them walk all over you!

They're treating you with distain because you have made them little princesses in your house - with the best of intentions, no doubt, but it isn't healthy for any children to be ruling the household.

You and your OH have got to set some rules of good behaviour for them. It won't be easy because they will probably see it as you and new baby pushing them out but their behaviour just isn't acceptable.

Tiglath

I'm a stepmother. Reduce your personal expectations of them, and settle for politeness, no arguments and a fair share of meal choices, TV etc. You can rightfully zone out with your new baby and let your husband deal with them, cook for them etc for a while. How often do they come and stay and for how long?

bagpussbear

Given their age, you need to stop pandering to them as much, perhaps that has actually created the problem, or at least kept it going.

First two things would be to stop leaving presents every time they come. And from now on you take control of the eating situation, and put on the table what you like. Not necessarily something they will hate to eat, but certainly something of your choice all of you like.

I do worry a little for you if your husband is saying he feels resentful. Once the new baby is here, both of you will be very tired and taken up with the new baby, and arguments and snappiness can happen more easily because.

I think really the word I want to use overall is control - you need to take back some control over your household and how you'd like it run. If you are seriously thinking that you might have to 'go it alone' I don't think you have anything to lose really.

good luck.

HPoirot

Your step daughters are teenagers, there is every likelihood they will fall in love with your baby and feel maternal towards him / her. You may re-think your position and see / use the new arrival as a bonding agent. The only thing though is not to force things as you may have been doing, let them come round in their own time. You cannot stop being a step mother overnight, but you can stop trying so hard that they feel distrustful of you.

FBaby

It sounds like you tried too hard to please them, whilst expecting something in return and then becoming resentful when you didn't which they bound to be feeling. It sounds like you are a nice person, but I can see how they could have felt that you were trying to buy their love.

My step-mother used to be what I refer a hot and cold, either making me feel very excluded in ways which made me hate her, and then desperate to get my affection by showering me with attention and gifts. She never understood why it made me feel even worse that she did this and she thought of me as very ungrateful.

What I would suggest you do is to stop doing everything to please them, but do make them feel included in the pregnancy. Make it clear that this baby is part of their family, that they will look up to them as their siblings etc... Don't expect any gratefulness for these efforts, but the more you do it trying to mean it and wanting it, the more they will believe it and the more they will open to you.

I know that it is easy to believe that we don't convey our true feelings to other people because of how we act, but most kids are very perceptive and will be able to read behind the facade.

Good luck though as I know how hard it is to be the one making all the efforts to be respected by people who have no reasons not to do in the first place, but if you want to keep your family happy, that's unfortunately what you might need to do.