I'm not an evil step mum please be kind!

spamalot

lika_86 wrote: »

Why are you trying so hard to get them to like you? They don't have to (and you don't have to like them), they just have to tolerate you and you them for those times when you have to be together.

Don't buy them presents when they come to stay (would you do this for other family members?), don't let them watch whatever they want on TV if you want to watch something different.

It seems to me like you're trying to force a kind of relationship that just won't ever be there (or at least not in the short-term).

But surely even if I just went for a 'tolerate each other approach' they shouldn't be behaving as they do! I'm not that bothered if they like me or not, I just want to be treated with some degree of respect in my house and I was trying to make them feel comfortable and welcome.

In terms of their dad defending them, if my little one behaves like they do in company I would be mortified. I would be pick them up on their behaviour not defending it! Ignoring bad behaviour or defending it just because they are step kids helps no one. As I said I was a step kid myself and neither of my parents would have tolerated this behaviour!

lika_86

HPoirot wrote: »

Your step daughters are teenagers, there is every likelihood they will fall in love with your baby and feel maternal towards him / her. You may re-think your position and see / use the new arrival as a bonding agent.

Although don't expect them to. Neither myself nor my sister like babies, if they show no interest then it might not be personal.

Mojisola

spamalot wrote: »

I've tried talking to my husband about how I feel and it just goes in one ear and out the other. He just says its a phase and they'll grow out of it, but nothing is changing and I'm getting more and more down.

The more I try to tell him how I feel the more he defends them. I know this is natural but I feel like I'm banging my head against a brick wall. He says that my view is making him feel resentful towards me, but I already feel resentful! I just can't get through to him.

How long has this "phase" lasted for?

If you're feeling as bad as you say, he's going to need to face the situation or he'll have yet another child who doesn't live with him. Is that what he wants?

lika_86

spamalot wrote: »

But surely even if I just went for a 'tolerate each other approach' they shouldn't be behaving as they do! I'm not that bothered if they like me or not, I just want to be treated with some degree of respect in my house and I was trying to make them feel comfortable and welcome.

In terms of their dad defending them, if my little one behaves like they do in company I would be mortified. I would be pick them up on their behaviour not defending it! Ignoring bad behaviour or defending it just because they are step kids helps no one. As I said I was a step kid myself and neither of my parents would have tolerated this behaviour!

But how do they behave? Are they openly rude to you? Or is it just that they aren't affectionate towards you and used to getting their way because their dad lets them and you interpret this self-centredness as poor behaviour? It may be, but to me it sounds like the problem is with your husband's treatment of the girls in your house which is at issue rather than any open hostility (at least from what you've told us).

Person_one

spamalot wrote: »

But surely even if I just went for a 'tolerate each other approach' they shouldn't be behaving as they do! I'm not that bothered if they like me or not, I just want to be treated with some degree of respect in my house and I was trying to make them feel comfortable and welcome.

In terms of their dad defending them, if my little one behaves like they do in company I would be mortified. I would be pick them up on their behaviour not defending it! Ignoring bad behaviour or defending it just because they are step kids helps no one. As I said I was a step kid myself and neither of my parents would have tolerated this behaviour!

What sort of behaviour are you actually talking about here? Any examples?

FBaby

You can't expect to spoil children for years and then expect them to suddenly become grateful and appreciative of it all. That's the problem with spoiling children, they grow to take it for granted so that if you suddenly change your ways, they rebel.

I think both their dad and you need to take some responsibility for their behaviour because of it. It is in your hands to change it, but it might not be as quickly as you might want it.

Tenyearstogo

spamalot wrote: »

the youngest one draping herself over my husband to the point that it is obscene,

This is strange.

Either your perception is wrong or your husband is a some kind of deviant for allowing it.

Bella73

I think you need to stop babying them as you are allowing them to act like small children.

I would stop with the presents and stop with the wardrobe sharing. Anyone over 12 can manage to sort out their own clothes!

Try your best to ignore their crap behaviour but if you do see a glimpse of niceness pick up on it and thank them for whatever it may be. But, if they really do something you find disrespectful, tell them there and then don't let it fester.

They need to be treated like you intend to treat your own child, eg if you would expect your child to lay the table then tell them to, they are not on holiday every time they see their Dad so stop trying so hard.

Plus I would show their Dad this thread, he has to take some responsibility as they are his children.

spamalot

In terms of behaviour, the youngest just sits and glares at me, or will sit on my husbands lap and give me what I have come to know as 'the look'! I'm honestly not imaging this, it's like a sexual/power type of look, the 'I've got him all to myself' look. I know this sounds irrational but it honestly is true! I would like to point out that DH is not being pervy or anything by allowing this, if that were the case I'd be outta there like a shot! It's just he seems so controlled by guilt that when they are affectionate he feels validated or worthy as a dad.

Or if we are out for a meal they will want to hold my husband's hand in the pub or when walking down the street or cling on to him and just glare at me. I have taken the approach of just ignore and carry on as if nothing is happening. I'm honestly not trying to compete. My husband will come over to hold my hand and then SD will pounce on him and cling on! I just walk away because I really don't want to get in to a tug of war situation, which would just be pathetic.

The other thing is I get one word answers when I ask them about what they are up to or I'm trying to show an interest in them. It's just rude, so I've learnt not to ask.

I don't treat them like little kids by the way, I talk to them like adults but get no where. I don't like the princess approach and have tried to make changes but without DH being consistent nothing works.

The wardrobe thing started when they turned up without the right gear and DH said to me right in front of them, can xxxx borrow your coat/shoes/whatever it was. Feeling put on the spot I didn't feel like I could say no without looking like a ogre. I told DH I was uncomfortable with it but he keeps doing it saying 'we can't let xxxx get cold outside'. I'm starting to think that maybe it would teach her to think ahead!

I know this sounds like I'm loopy but another thing that seems to get under my skin is that they make homemade cards which look like they've been produced by a five year old! Honestly, they are made with felt tip pens and cut and pasted pictures, with very baby like names for DH scribbled on them. If I said what name they call him it would be too recognisable, but its something along the lines of 'daddy xxx'. It's like they are just regressing and regressing. I know they are desperate for their dad to see them as little girls not young women. Neither has had a boyfriend and both dress very young for their age.

All of the above is not new behaviour because of the baby, it's been going on for the last few years.

FBaby

Tenyearstogo wrote: »

This is strange.

Either your perception is wrong or your husband is a some kind of deviant for allowing it.

It is -as might seem-oddly a common complaint of step-mother. I know my step-mum had a real issue with how physically close I was to my dad.

I think most of the time it is a symptom of the animosity that can grow unhealthily in such families. It is often the case that the dynamism of such relationship are either based on kindship or on conflict, with often some confusion between the two. OP like many step-parents made a lot of effort to develop that kindship type of relationship with her SD, but it might have been too quickly and too enthousiastically, and so had the exact opposite effect. Once the dynamics turn to conflict, it often spirals downwards very quickly with the father usually stuck in the middle. Because fathers/parents are programmed to protect their kids, it often feels that they are on 'their side', making the situation even worse.