I'm not an evil step mum please be kind!

ERICS_MUM

j.e.j. wrote: »

Both in their late teens?? It's time to stop being a doormat to these little madams and start practising some tough love, and what better time to start than now, when your own little one is on the way.

I could understand it if they were 9 and 10, perhaps, and still reeling from their parents divorce.

I would tell your husband what you've told us here, especially the last paragraph, and make it clear that you're not going to tolerate being treated like this in your own house for one minute longer, sorry!

My view exactly. Late teens so should be acting like young adults. It's your house as well as your husband's so you don't need to "suck it up". Start being a bit less welcoming - no hugs just a brief hello then wander off into the kitchen. Cook what you would normally and just serve it up - if they leave it then tough, they won't starve. Telly - if they don't want to watch what you want then they can play on their I Pads etc.

Your DH should be dealing with them not you, you don't really have the "authority" to tackle them and insist they behave.

Good luck - please don't let it affect your health - your and your baby's welfare is worth much more than the bad behaviour of two silly girls.

Person_one

spamalot wrote: »

In terms of behaviour, the youngest just sits and glares at me, or will sit on my husbands lap and give me what I have come to know as 'the look'! I'm honestly not imaging this, it's like a sexual/power type of look, the 'I've got him all to myself' look. I know this sounds irrational but it honestly is true!

Or if we are out for a meal they will want to hold my husband's hand in the pub or when walking down the street or cling on to him and just glare at me. I have taken the approach of just ignore and carry on as if nothing is happening. I'm honestly not trying to compete. My husband will come over to hold my hand and then SD will pounce on him and cling on! I just walk away because I really don't want to get in to a tug of war situation, which would just be pathetic.

The other thing is I get one word answers when I ask them about what they are up to or I'm trying to show an interest in them. It's just rude, so I've learnt not to ask.

I know this sounds like I'm loopy but another thing that seems to get under my skin is that they make homemade cards which look like they've been produced by a five year old! Honestly, they are made with felt tip pens and cut and pasted pictures, with very baby like names for DH scribbled on them. If I said what name they call him it would be too recognisable, but its something along the lines of 'daddy xxx'. It's like they are just regressing and regressing. I know they are desperate for their dad to see them as little girls not young women. Neither has had a boyfriend and both dress very young for their age.

All of the above is not new behaviour because of the baby, it's been going on for the last few years.

How old are they exactly? What sort of life have these girls had? How have they got on at school, with friends etc?

FBaby

Just to say that I think men usually handle this sitution much better than women. After all, men are more likely to have to share their partner with children on a much more full-time basis. However, I don't think they are usually as bothered to ensure the unity of the family and less questioning of the affection shared by their partner for their child. Maybe it is an engrained gender issue.

My husband and children have a relationship based on respect. They care for each other and appreciate the place each have. The dynamism of the family is however overall very much me and the kids and me and hubby. It works for us because there is no expectations and no jaleousy. We do things all together too once in a while and always go on holiday all together once a year and occasionally, my hubby will do something with my DS or DD without me, but no one feels pressure to pretend we are a 'normally' composed family because we are not.

FBaby

I'm honestly not trying to compete

but unfortunately you are. My DS who is 11 will still come and seat on my lap sometimes and give me a huge affectionate hug. When we walk all together and I hold my hubby's hand, he will come and want to hold my hand too. It is totally natural and there is nothing wrong with it. What is wrong is that YOU rise to it and see it as a competitive gesture. It is only because she knows that it gets to you that she gives you that look.

My hubby couldn't care less of that behaviour from my son. There is no competition between them. He actually has told me that it is a good thing that my son is affectionate and feels comfortable in himself to still show such affection towards me. It really is all in the perception of it.

Mojisola

spamalot wrote: »

I have two SDs who are both in their late teens.

FBaby wrote: »

My DS who is 11 will still come and seat on my lap sometimes and give me a huge affectionate hug. When we walk all together and I hold my hubby's hand, he will come and want to hold my hand too. It is totally natural and there is nothing wrong with it.

At 11, that's perfectly normal. If he is still doing it when he's in his late teens will you still be happy with that?

Whattodonow

I'm guessing they don't respect you. Try actually being evil-stepmom for a bit and see if it bucks their ideas up!

spamalot

I've tried for 8 years and I think I'm just no good at this and I'm too tired to keep on trying :-(

I'm fed up with being the bad guy in my husband's eyes when I mention them, I'm fed up with what feels like a millstone of responsibility in making them feel welcome when I feel like an outsider, I'm just tired and I'm about ready to give up.

I'm tired of the rows it causes between me and my husband, we don't row about anything else. I'm fed up with being made to feel guilty for having a different point of view.

I just feel like crying. I'm off to hug my step mum.

FBaby

Mojisola wrote: »

At 11, that's perfectly normal. If he is still doing it when he's in his late teens will you still be happy with that?

Yes, that would be fine with me at any age. It's a sign of affection of a child towards his parent, not of sexual contact!

daisiegg

FBaby wrote: »

but unfortunately you are. My DS who is 11 will still come and seat on my lap sometimes and give me a huge affectionate hug. When we walk all together and I hold my hubby's hand, he will come and want to hold my hand too. It is totally natural and there is nothing wrong with it. What is wrong is that YOU rise to it and see it as a competitive gesture. It is only because she knows that it gets to you that she gives you that look.

My hubby couldn't care less of that behaviour from my son. There is no competition between them. He actually has told me that it is a good thing that my son is affectionate and feels comfortable in himself to still show such affection towards me. It really is all in the perception of it.

It can be competitive! It obviously isn't in your case but that doesn't mean it isn't in the OP's case. My husband's daughter was thirteen when I first met her. The first two times we met, she was hugging and kissing him, literally laying on his lap when we watched TV, holding his hand, etc. It was absolutely competitive! It was only the first two meetings and since then, she has never done anything like it. We talked about it much later and he said she had never acted in that way before that day, either. She is naturally not an overly affectionate person, doesn't hug, or cuddle up on the sofa or anything like that, so the behaviour was very out of character and it was totally to make a point.

FBaby

spamalot wrote: »

I've tried for 8 years and I think I'm just no good at this and I'm too tired to keep on trying :-(

I'm fed up with being the bad guy in my husband's eyes when I mention them, I'm fed up with what feels like a millstone of responsibility in making them feel welcome when I feel like an outsider, I'm just tired and I'm about ready to give up.

I'm tired of the rows it causes between me and my husband, we don't row about anything else. I'm fed up with being made to feel guilty for having a different point of view.

I just feel like crying. I'm off to hug my step mum.

It is an exhausting situation especially since you've tried so hard with so many good intentions. Instead of telling your husband how you expect him to deal with the issues, have you asked him how he thinks the matter should be handled? What does he say?