I'm not an evil step mum please be kind!

j.e.j.

spamalot wrote: »

In terms of behaviour, the youngest just sits and glares at me, or will sit on my husbands lap and give me what I have come to know as 'the look'! I'm honestly not imaging this, it's like a sexual/power type of look, the 'I've got him all to myself' look. I know this sounds irrational but it honestly is true! I would like to point out that DH is not being pervy or anything by allowing this, if that were the case I'd be outta there like a shot! It's just he seems so controlled by guilt that when they are affectionate he feels validated or worthy as a dad.

Or if we are out for a meal they will want to hold my husband's hand in the pub or when walking down the street or cling on to him and just glare at me. I have taken the approach of just ignore and carry on as if nothing is happening. I'm honestly not trying to compete. My husband will come over to hold my hand and then SD will pounce on him and cling on! I just walk away because I really don't want to get in to a tug of war situation, which would just be pathetic.

I find this very odd behaviour for girls in their late teens. The one-word answers and the sulkiness I can imagine, and I wouldn't bat an eyelid, but I can't think of many girls/women aged what, 16-19? who would want to sit on daddy's lap or hold his hand.

It sounds like you and hubby need to tackle this together. He must surely know it's a bit weird, but as you say, he's frightened of rocking the boat for fear of upsetting them. He's going to have to face the facts sooner or later, though.

FBaby

The first two times we met, she was hugging and kissing him, literally laying on his lap when we watched TV, holding his hand, etc. It was absolutely competitive!

Of course it will be from the child's perspective. They saw their father with their mum and then had him for himself, so of course seeing someone coming in that relationship will bring some feeling of competiveness, hence the need not to rise to it. The second the child sees that there is nothing to compete over because their father can continue to give them to same level of affection, then the matter is embedded rather than ignited.

GwylimT

You say they are in their late teens and you have been there for eight years, so you haven't been there since they were little, which of course can make a huge difference.

If you spoil children you cannot be surprised when they act like spoiled children, after all they have been taught that they can do what they want and that is the okay thing to do.

Due to their age I should think it is a bit late to significantly change their behaviour.

Gigervamp

The one word answers is normal teenage behaviour. Try not to let that get to you. My youngest is 22 and he still often just grunts when I ask him something!

Your husband really needs to stop asking you in front of the girls, if they can wear something of yours. They're more than old enough to pack suitable clothes when they come and stay, so that needs to stop.

With regards to the lap sitting and hand holding, when I was that age, I would often hold my dad's arm when we were out and about, but I wouldn't have dreamt of holding his hand or sitting on his lap despite how close we were.

I also agree with the others that you need to stop the presents and only making what they choose for dinner.

ellay864

It sounds like you've given them so much attention and pandering with the presents and meals that they have learnt that's their 'reward' and they don't have to do anything and will get spoiled rotten. As for they've got worse as they've got older, well part of that could be simply down to kids get more attitude, more confidence, more gobby etc as they get older - it's what happens when they turn from cute youngsters to teens you want to strangle; I have felt that with my own 2 sons, and with stepson and stepdaughter. My step kids are the same age as my own kids so I've been able to see a similarity in behaviuor change with age in both sets.
I don't think there's anything wrong with a daughter having close physical contact with her dad, especially as she doesn't live with him so presumably doesn't see him every day. My stepdaughter was 9 when I first got with her dad and it did feel like she was trying to 'get between us' but I realised she just loves being with her dad. She's now 19 and whenever she's with us she'll still hold his hand out walking, or sit and cuddle with him if we're indoors. I don't see any big deal in this. I can appreciate you're probably feeling worse with baby coming along but they might too. They may be worried their dad will have less time for them. The one thing you can't do unless you want a divorce is to decide you're not a step-mum. You need to talk to your husband, and start retating your stepdaughters like any other family member - let them sort their own clothes, theyre old enough to bring warm clothes etc, and stop pandering to their every whim. maybe they'll act more like regular daughters if you treat them like that

Tiglath

What's the situation like with their Mum?

daisiegg

FBaby wrote: »

Of course it will be from the child's perspective. They saw their father with their mum and then had him for himself, so of course seeing someone coming in that relationship will bring some feeling of competiveness, hence the need not to rise to it. The second the child sees that there is nothing to compete over because their father can continue to give them to same level of affection, then the matter is embedded rather than ignited.

I definitely did not rise to it - to the extent that I sat on the floor as she was stretched out on his lap and taking up the entire sofa! To this day (she is close to 18 now) I stay quite out of their relationship, and make sure she gets lots and lots of time with her dad uninterrupted by me. She and I have a civil, polite and respectful (I hope) relationship, but we are not best buds. I care for her quietly in the background...I am the one that changes her sheets and makes sure there is a clean towel waiting for her and her room is aired and the food/drink she likes is in plentiful supply, and sorts out most of her birthday and Christmas presents and reminds her dad to ask her how an exam was and so on...but I don't shout about it and don't see it as demanding her love and affection. I think (hope?!) she likes me but we are not 'close'. I would argue it doesn't really matter - what matters is her relationship with her dad, and that is as incredibly robust as ever.

Anyway went off on a tangent about myself there, sorry. To return to your post and to the OP - do you mean you think the OP has 'risen to' the girls' competitive behaviour, and that is why they keep doing it?

jetplane

I wonder how long these girls have been coming to stay with you? It does sound that your husband and you have allowed this situation to develop. but your husband is undermining you.

It is perfectly believable that the girls gloat when they have their father and want him for themselves, they may be jealous of you and especially the new baby. It may be easier for them to blame you for their situation. The offer of clothes could have been a one off but should never have become a habit. While I don't think the example of gifts on the pillow is a natural gesture perhaps in the early stages you were making an effort.

Whatever the whys and wherefores, right now your husband has to listen to you and he needs to support you. That doesn't mean he has to agree with everything, but he needs to be aware of what matters to you, he needs to take your concerns seriously and respect how you are feeling in your own home.

BitterAndTwisted

All this pandering to them in the past is perceived by them as weakness in you. Unfortunately, you are the adult in this scenario so you will have to either suck it up or stop trying so hard to please them. Once you stop acting like you're desperate for their approval and competing with them for your husband's attention they might, just might, start showing you some respect. Alas, as their father's new wife you will possbly always be seen as an unwelcome interloper. At least until they stop being children and enter the adult world with the rest of us. This might be a couple of years away, maybe decades or never, but at least when they are adults you might not have to accept them into your household on a regular basis. I really don't envy you, it must be hell but I have to say it doesn't sound like your husband is helping much but that could be out of guilt rather than anything else.

Scrapaholic

At 33 weeks pregnant you're feeling emotional and tired and things are getting on top of you . It's a time when you should be feeling supported and looking forward to your baby . You sound as if you've really tried but I agree with others that you seem to have tried too hard . Cut out the presents , greet them in a friendly voice and then just go about doing whatever you were busy with . How about getting them to help you prepare their dinner . Take turns , including you , of choosing what to have . Don't make it all about them all the time . They know you'll be nice to them however they behave towards you . I was wondering what it's like for them at home as they seem to be craving the attention from their dad ? Don't make any decisions in haste but do talk to your husband . He should be thinking of you and the new baby as well as his girls . Good luck .