I'm not an evil step mum please be kind!

FBaby

She and I have a civil, polite and respectful (I hope) relationship, but we are not best buds.

That's kind of the same than between my children and husband then. I don't see anything wrong with that as long as all are happy with it.

duchy

Why do you want to be best buds with them?

MazzyStar_2

I totally feel for you (OP). I have at present the pleasure of a step son who I get on fine with. But have also had step children with my previous who I didnt always get on so well with.
I understand at the beginning the trying to keep daddys attention at the start of a new relationship but 8 years on? Unacceptable IMO. This is your house and you deserve a bit of respect, not just from these kids but also from your husband. He loves them I get that and rightly so they are his kids but he should in no way let them get away with treating you like some outsider as you are clearly not.
My ex was a defensive of his kids type and i believe this helped the ex step children treat me poorly and get away with this.
However my new husband is also on his kids side knows that ultimately me and the hubby are a team and try to sort things out together. If there us a problem we sort it together. I really think after all this time he should be picking them up on their blatant rude treatment of you for all of your sakes! The atmosphere must be tense to say the least.
I appreciate he might be of the opinion that he may not see his daughters as often as he likes so may not want to rock the boat when he does but he is risking your relationship as you are now feeling this low about it all.
Like I say i really do feel for you, stay strong and if u feel the need to sound off to a stranger feel free to DM me.

daisiegg

FBaby wrote: »

That's kind of the same than between my children and husband then. I don't see anything wrong with that as long as all are happy with it.

I think my husband thinks it would be nice if we were closer...and actually we were when she was younger, we got on really well, but that has all disappeared over the last couple of years. However I don't think it is specific to me - her dad seems to be the only adult she gets along with. She has a terrible relationship with her mum, and my husband's mum and sisters (her grandma and aunts) always comment to me how she is like a blank book and they can't get more than one word answers out of her. Her teachers say the same thing. She is not at all rude or unpleasant, just very quiet and not interested in chatting to adults.

So...I'm not sure everyone is totally happy with it, because I think my husband would prefer we were super close...but it is what it is at the moment and I'm hoping when she grows up a bit and goes away to university (she is very young for her age at the moment) she will grow more comfortable with or enthusiastic about communicating with adults. Our relationship is very polite, and I care a lot about her and I think in her own way she cares about me...we just have little in common at the moment.

OP, how often a re the girls there? Can't you do what I do and just get on with your own life and kind of melt into the background for the short periods that they are visiting? Does every outing or activity have to involve all four of you - do they never spend time with their dad without you there? I know you have wanted to try really hard to have a great relationship but maybe it is time to step back...

daisiegg

duchy wrote: »

Why do you want to be best buds with them?

Who wants to be best buds? It was me that said that phrase initially (and I am fine not being best buds with my husbands's daughter!) but not sure if you are talking to me or the OP now?

Tiglath

I guess I'm fortunate then - my now-adult stepdaughter is now one of my best friends. Wasn't like that to start with but we had a huge heart-to-heart when she was about 12 and it really sorted things out. She recently moved out after living with us for 6 months and I really miss having her around.

Humphrey10

spamalot wrote: »

When I hug them hello it's like hugging a plank of wood, nothing there.

Don't hug them hello then.

Is the mother turning them against you I wonder?

Don't let them wear your clothes, that's just strange. They aren't babies, they should be able to organise bringing enough clothes to dress themselves.

turn3r

Sounds like your SD is feeling very insecure about your relationship with her father and she is trying to show you that she is her daddy's little girl. I have three stepdaughters and when I first got together with their dad they used to do this. Try and get them involved with the baby, take them to the shops to help pick out things for the new arrival. However I also think you are trying too hard to get them to like you. It should be our house our rules. Yes we spoil all our children, we have one together and we do try our best to treat everyone equally and do lots of things together so no one feels pushed to one side. You have to try and keep in mind that whenever and whatever the reason their parents split they still may be hurting from this. You need to be strong, they will grow up, your relationship will probably improve and the arrival of the baby will help pull you all together.

daisiegg

Humphrey10 wrote: »

Don't hug them hello then.

Is the mother turning them against you I wonder?

Don't let them wear your clothes, that's just strange. They aren't babies, they should be able to organise bringing enough clothes to dress themselves.

Agreed. I don't try to hug my stepdaughter (nor does she hug her grandma, aunts, her mum, anyone!). And no way would she be seen dead in any of my clothes!

OP, how old are you? Are you a similar age to your husband and your stepdaughters' mum or are you younger?

spamalot

duchy wrote: »

Why do you want to be best buds with them?

I don't want to be best buds with them, I think my OH thinks I should be and seems to keep pushing it. I'm just not feeling it or ever have. Maybe I am trying too hard to over compensate. I've tried to tell him how I feel but I get the impression he's taking the view that ill just come around and think that everything is great, whereas I do see some issues in how they behave.

Usually see them once a month or so. I know this isn't a lot because it could be every weekend, but because they live about two hours away it always has to be a weekend. If we could just do a few hours I think it might take the pressure off in the short term so we could get on track but its not possible.

I want to thank everyone for their input, I was expecting to be flamed for being honest about how I feel but everyone has given constructive feedback- thank you.