I'm not an evil step mum please be kind!

daisiegg

themull1 wrote: »

They are 16 and 19, tell them that they're not staying over anymore when the baby comes. Why do they have to stay over anyway? can they not just visit for the day? My oh's son comes over, but doesnt stay over.

Wow that is harsh! They live two hours away, that's a bit far for a day visit and even if it wasn't, why on earth shouldn't they stay with their dad? I would never dream of telling my husband his daughter couldn't stay with us!

Now whether they will want to stay in a house with a screaming baby is another matter, but it must be their choice...

FBaby

Mojisola wrote: »

It wasn't any sexual contact I was thinking of but the competitive part.

If your 18 year old wanted to walk along holding your hand because you were holding hands with your husband, that would be normal?

For one she is 16, for two, we don't know that it is a pure act of competiveness. It is how OP is interpreting them, rightly or not.

I personally would be more incline to understand what would lead her to feel in competition with me in the first place.

FBaby

themull1 wrote: »

They are 16 and 19, tell them that they're not staying over anymore when the baby comes. Why do they have to stay over anyway? can they not just visit for the day? My oh's son comes over, but doesnt stay over.

So your suggestion is that it should be 100% about what OP wants, her husband and children should just shut up? Mmmm, can't see this be the way to a happy family life.

Brighton_belle

themull1 wrote: »

They are 16 and 19, tell them that they're not staying over anymore when the baby comes. Why do they have to stay over anyway? can they not just visit for the day? My oh's son comes over, but doesnt stay over.

This won't be acceptable - first of all, I think the OP's husband has a say in that decision don't you?
Secondly, you can't demote his older children on the arrival of a new baby. That's the classic worst thing to do.


I do think the OP needs to stop with the presents and put definitely her foot down re shared wardrobe - that will be difficult enough with her DH overruling her suspect. They are old enough o pack properly for themselves - most odd behaviour from all 3 of them (DH and 2 SD)

spamalot

jetplane wrote: »

Once a month or so, 2 hours away? I thought you meant every weekend. Find something else to do once a month, no wonder they want him for themselves. Don't bother with a gift, ban them from your wardrobe but surely you can't be thinking of leaving your husband because of this, what about the rest of the month when they are not there?

If it were just the once a month that would be one thing, but its the constant text message, phonecalls and email build up, which DH constantly talks about and then the text message, phone call and email debrief afterwards!

I would love to disappear off during the weekend but this is seen as a slight by OH and me not trying hard enough, or making them feel not wanted. They don't want me there that is very clear.

Mojisola

spamalot wrote: »

If it were just the once a month that would be one thing, but its the constant text message, phonecalls and email build up, which DH constantly talks about and then the text message, phone call and email debrief afterwards!

Well, that's an problem between him and you that you need to sort out without the girls being involved.

jetplane

I don't think your husband can have it both ways, he seems to play the guilt card. If he expects you to stay and make an effort he should expect the same from his girls. Does he realise that both you and the girls may be happier if you didn't have meet, it's not all about his wants.

balletshoes

spamalot wrote: »

If it were just the once a month that would be one thing, but its the constant text message, phonecalls and email build up, which DH constantly talks about and then the text message, phone call and email debrief afterwards!

I would love to disappear off during the weekend but this is seen as a slight by OH and me not trying hard enough, or making them feel not wanted. They don't want me there that is very clear.

i''m not sure what you mean by "constant text message, phonecalls etc".

When your child gets older, and say they're away at uni, how often do you think you'll be in touch with them by text, phone, email etc? And wouldn't you mention those texts, phonecalls, emails to your OH?

Humphrey10

spamalot wrote: »

If it were just the once a month that would be one thing, but its the constant text message, phonecalls and email build up, which DH constantly talks about and then the text message, phone call and email debrief afterwards!

If I only saw my father once a month when I was that age, of course I'd communicate with him in other ways!
It's quite normal for a child/ young adult to communicate with their parents face-to-face multiple times a day, if this isn't possible due to parents living apart I'm not surprised they want to communicate in other ways.

Speak to your OH, try and get him to realise that it is totally normal for his children to want some time with him alone. Maybe they should all go out together (to the cinema, to a meal, whatever) without you - this isn't them rejecting you, this isn't you rejecting them, this is just children wanting to see their father.

Tiglath

spamalot wrote: »

I would love to disappear off during the weekend

That's what I used to do, every other visit that they made to us. DH and I agreed that it kept me sane, and no-one resented it. I did resent being the one expected to do all the cooking, cleaning and laundry after a full week's work, so I took myself out of the equation and left them to it.