I'm not an evil step mum please be kind!

Person_one

Person_one wrote: »

How old are they exactly? What sort of life have these girls had? How have they got on at school, with friends etc?

Tiglath wrote: »

What's the situation like with their Mum?

Thanks for taking all the comments so well. But could you possibly shed a bit of light on these questions? At the moment we're all flying blind with not a lot of information about these girls.

spamalot

16 and 19 years old. Quite a relatively stable life apart from the divorce. Stayed in the same house, family near by, no change in lifestyle following divorce, still went to all the same clubs, foreign trips etc.

In terms of friends, I get the impression they are not social butterflies. Seem to enjoy doing very young stuff which I think kind of led to the eldest SD being left behind by her friends. Eldest is at uni and doesn't like going out socially ( doesn't like alcohol or clubs/pubs/bars) I know she's found it difficult to get on with her flat mates and only seems to have a very small group on friends on her course. Goes home a lot rather than staying at uni on the weekends.

Mum is remarried, not sure what relationship is like with their step dad, they will NEVER talk about anything to do with their mum. Suspect they have been told from an early age not to. But I know they talk about us.

FBaby

spamalot wrote: »

I don't want to be best buds with them, I think my OH thinks I should be and seems to keep pushing it. I'm just not feeling it or ever have. Maybe I am trying too hard to over compensate. I've tried to tell him how I feel but I get the impression he's taking the view that ill just come around and think that everything is great, whereas I do see some issues in how they behave.

I think many fathers assume that because they adore their kids, everyone should. I also think it is typical for a men to want to reproduce what they feel they have failed first time around and that is to have a perfect family. He seems to be lacking the appreciation that no-one will love his kids like he or their mum does and you can't force such feelings on anyone. All he can expect is mutual respect.

Usually see them once a month or so. I know this isn't a lot because it could be every weekend, but because they live about two hours away it always has to be a weekend. If we could just do a few hours I think it might take the pressure off in the short term so we could get on track but its not possible.

To be fair, that's not much at all, especially if he then spends time with them alone. A few hours would be fine as long as it is not the time he spends with them that is reduced.

I want to thank everyone for their input, I was expecting to be flamed for being honest about how I feel but everyone has given constructive feedback- thank you.

You don't come across as being spiteful or unfair towards the girls, just going through a difficult time trying to assess how to move forward. You are about to become a mum and understandbly, you want your family to feel secure and cosy, which you don't feel is right now because of your SD's behaviour. However, it is not just about them, it is also about your behaviour and your husband's too.

FBaby

I think my husband thinks it would be nice if we were closer...and actually we were when she was younger, we got on really well, but that has all disappeared over the last couple of years. However I don't think it is specific to me

It sounds as if as you are hinting, it is not personal. I went through a phase with my DD last year when I just didn't feel so close to her as I used to be. It was heartbreaking and it did worry me that it would only get worse, but as she started Y9, her misdeamenour changed a lot and we suddenly got closer again to my relief. I supposed that's not unusual for any parent but it is understandable that it would be questioned even more by a step-parent.

Mojisola

FBaby wrote: »

My DS who is 11 will still come and seat on my lap sometimes and give me a huge affectionate hug. When we walk all together and I hold my hubby's hand, he will come and want to hold my hand too.

FBaby wrote: »

Yes, that would be fine with me at any age. It's a sign of affection of a child towards his parent, not of sexual contact!

It wasn't any sexual contact I was thinking of but the competitive part.

If your 18 year old wanted to walk along holding your hand because you were holding hands with your husband, that would be normal?

Tiglath

spamalot wrote: »

Seem to enjoy doing very young stuff which I think kind of led to the eldest SD being left behind by her friends. Eldest is at uni and doesn't like going out socially ( doesn't like alcohol or clubs/pubs/bars)

I'd actually see that as a blessing - can you imagine if they came to you on drugs, falling about drunk or getting it on with Spotty Tim behind the local shops?

Tiglath

Mojisola wrote: »

If your 18 year old wanted to walk along holding your hand because you were holding hands with your husband, that would be normal?

If stepdaughter wanted to hold her Dad's hand while I held the other, we'd all find it hilarious. We'd probably skip along the pavement singing! Even as a youngster she was always immensely pleased if DH and I hugged, and she'd squirm happily into the middle along with her brother.

**professor~yaffle**

The girls do sound a bit infantilised? Trying to hang on to daddy, maybe, but at 16 and 19 they should be over that and getting their own lives. OP says one of them actually sits on her dad's lap?? No wonder their friends are leaving them behind, sounds like the girls have never been able to (or allowed to?) grow up, which seems a shame.

jetplane

Once a month or so, 2 hours away? I thought you meant every weekend. Find something else to do once a month, no wonder they want him for themselves. Don't bother with a gift, ban them from your wardrobe but surely you can't be thinking of leaving your husband because of this, what about the rest of the month when they are not there?

themull1

They are 16 and 19, tell them that they're not staying over anymore when the baby comes. Why do they have to stay over anyway? can they not just visit for the day? My oh's son comes over, but doesnt stay over.