I'm not an evil step mum please be kind!

FBaby

Just to add that I experienced the exact same dynamics when I was growing up with my SM to the point where she was very unhappy, wanted my dad to support her in how she felt about me and my dad agreeing to it (because he didn't agree with all her negatives about me). They almost divorced over it.

What saved their marriage is that I ended up moving away, and then she started having problems with her own daughter (who was supposed to be the perfect child). I used to hate her with all my guts. Yet as I became a mum, we gradually got closer. Nowadays, we are extremely closed. She is a wonderful step-mum, so much better than she ever was when I was a child. She feels closer to me than to her own daughter, even though she and I get along very well.

We never know what tomorrow will be like, so don't get too wrapped up over it, it is really not worth it, you marriage is worth a lot more. If your husband wants something different with his kids than you do, let him be. You will either end up never having anything to do with them again, or like me, you might be surprised how your relationship with them evolve.

clearingout

Blackpool_Saver wrote: »

Yes this is nearly always the problem, the Dad is scared to upset the kids or the ex, he will either be denied contact, ostracised, demonised, OR the ex will demand more child support. The arriving without clothes is a way of making the ex pay for more, or to disrupt the new household. These exes know exactly what they are doing and the kids grow up copying them.

really? My children 'arrive without clothes' at their father's house these days because he stopped returning them. He picked them up on Saturdays (so a 'normal' clothes day) and then returned them to school on Monday (school uniform day) and then would deny he had any clothes that belonged to my house. I put up with it for months - but it literally got to the point where I was buying 3 new outfits a fortnight (and my ex makes no maintenance payments, never has, unlikely he ever will). Even with Primark, that starts to add up. So they go to their father's now in their school uniform - they understand why (they were fully aware of the game-playing and would tell me that dad says we can't bring our clothes home). I know what I'm doing, yes. But it has nothing at all with trying to manipulate my ex into buying new clothes or pay more maintenance. It's about keeping my own head above water.

FBaby

Surely the issue of clothing is one of the past for OP? I would think that at 16 and 19, they sort their clothes out themselves. My kids at 11 and 14 sort it all by themselves and have done so for a couple of years now. If they come back with something missing, I tell them off as they are old enough to remember to bring things back.

Ballabriggs

FBaby wrote: »

Just to add that I experienced the exact same dynamics when I was growing up with my SM to the point where she was very unhappy, wanted my dad to support her in how she felt about me and my dad agreeing to it (because he didn't agree with all her negatives about me). They almost divorced over it.

What saved their marriage is that I ended up moving away, and then she started having problems with her own daughter (who was supposed to be the perfect child). I used to hate her with all my guts. Yet as I became a mum, we gradually got closer. Nowadays, we are extremely closed. She is a wonderful step-mum, so much better than she ever was when I was a child. She feels closer to me than to her own daughter, even though she and I get along very well.

We never know what tomorrow will be like, so don't get too wrapped up over it, it is really not worth it, you marriage is worth a lot more. If your husband wants something different with his kids than you do, let him be. You will either end up never having anything to do with them again, or like me, you might be surprised how your relationship with them evolve.

Without being antagonistic, as bad as you say your step mum was, it sounds like you weren't an easy step child to be around either. If you hated her guts I'm sure that came through in how you behaved, no matter how much you think it didn't. Any problems she had with her own daughter are not really relevant. You said the OP was comparing herself with the SD and that the experiences were different, I'm sure that's exactly the same in the two different viewpoints of the step mum and step child. Both thinking they were right, but both maybe acting irrationally.

OP you sound worn out tbh and I'm not surprised given that you are 33 weeks pregnant. These young ladies are old enough to understand their own behaviour and they probably do it because they know it pushes your buttons. I think it's a case sibling jealousy because of the new baby, exactly as you would have with a toddler. This is a new life, just as important as the other kids with a right to a happy, stable home life. You have bent over backwards trying to make the girls feel welcome, time to focus on your own little unit and let your husband deal with them. They will either come around or not, that's up to them but they are not the main priority anymore, they will need to learn to share. Thankfully they are older and so should be getting on with their own lives soon. Their happiness is not your responsibility.

As an aside, is there anyway you could withdraw from the situation and he goes over to see them on his own? As much as everyone says its their home and they have a right to be there, it's not really let's be honest. It's your home and right now given how you feel it should be your own little space in which your baby, you and your hubby feel happy and peaceful. If you keep flogging this horse you could end up with PND which is no good for anyone. Circle the wagons and get your relationship back on track. You can always revisit the situation again when you feel better.

JoW123

spamalot wrote: »

Morning all,

Thank you all for your posts, even the ones that said I was a jealous weirdo re: lap sitting thing! I'd like to say I also have an amazing relationship with my dad, we do loads of things together and he is one of my best buds. We always say I love you and hug each other, but there is no way I'd dream of sitting on his lap, besides the fact he's got a dodgy knee I grew out of that when I was a youngster! Maybe different cultures or families have different normalities, I want to add I'm not judging anyone btw!

I did raise it once with DH and he said it made him feel uncomfortable and it was a little out of character in the way YSD went about it, so I don't think I'm the only one. As an aside, YSD did try to do it in the pub over Christmas with her grandad, dirty looks and all, this time DH noticed it first and mentioned it to me afterwards saying how uncomfortable it made him feel ( I think he for once got the same looks I did because he was sat next to me talking to his mum about the baby because she'd asked us some questions). I thought that by him noticing we'd made some progress but it just goes straight back to the same pattern as soon as they come over again.

The three of them went to a organised running event yesterday, I was at home. Apparently YSD is now saying to DH that he should be at home with her mum and the girls, and that although her mum is remarried and she says she likes her step dad, it's wrong that he's there and not DH. DH said she got upset because her daddy wasn't living in the family home, which upset DH. I understand that this is all connected with insecurities regarding the new baby but her parents split up 9/10 years ago! We've been together for 8!

Last night I told DH that I'm backing off, he did this sort of wounded puppy dog look and accused me of always seeing the girls in a bad light, which is not true. I can't do right for doing wrong. I know that some of you think I am being over dramatic but the way I feel right now, I'd like to just walk away and say to hell with it all. I'm clearly not cut out to be a step parent.

I can't deal with this new turn of events, I'm tired, very pregnant and just fed up.

If the behaviour has got worse recently, especially with the 16 year old I wonder whether its about the fact that a new baby is about to arrive? Their dad is having another child, maybe another girl who will then become his 'baby' and she won't be any more. If mum and dad were back together then there would be no new baby to alter the dynamics. Sitting on her dads knee, her granddads knee, which her dad says is unusual is possibly reverting back to childlike behaviour?? That's what stands out to me in all of this. And yes I know she is 16, but even so its still a big change for her. I'm not excusing the behaviour just musing as to whether this is the cause of things getting worse.

ska_lover

Georgiegirl256 wrote: »

Totally agree. I am in my thirties, and I still sit on my Dad's lap, and we are very huggy and clown about, in other words, I'm a real Daddy's girl.

For the OP to suggest it is anything more than a dad and daughter relationship, is in my opinion weird and disgusting, and it comes across to me that she is jealous.

I do, I am in my thirties and still sit on my Dads lap occasionally, I have a photo of me sitting on my Dads knee at a family party last year. I struggle to understand the step family dynamics some people are talking about

To think that some posters think that after the age of 6 - these huge boundaries need to be drawn up is strange to me.

ska_lover

Georgiegirl256 wrote: »

Why on earth not? Why do people make it out to be something it's not, and that it is something sinister? To be honest, it says more about you.

I couldn't agree more

spamalot

Ballabriggs,

Thanks for your post. Tbh I am worried about PND given all this tension. I feel like I don't have a voice that anyone is listening to and that I'm just suppose to shut up. Maybe I am, but that doesn't come without consequences.

I think my withdrawing for a while might be the only thing that will get us through right now and let DH and I get back on an even keel. He can see them on his own.

FBaby

Without being antagonistic, as bad as you say your step mum was, it sounds like you weren't an easy step child to be around either. If you hated her guts I'm sure that came through in how you behaved, no matter how much you think it didn't

I started hating her guts when she turned nasty. I could give you many examples, but one that stuck to me mind and hurt me massively as a teenager who had image issue is when one day, she got cross with me because I had not clean the bathtub after myself and she said out in anger 'well Miss X (my mother surname rather than my official surname, that is my dad's surname, ie. hers), you don't belong to this family. I never told my dad that she had said that because I knew he would have gone ballistic.

I wasn't a difficult child on the opposite and she acknowledges that now. The issue is that she had very strong educational ideas about what was right and what was wrong and those ideas were very different to that of my mum and dad. She didn't like how I was brought up, what I looked like, my manners etc... and she became obsessed with these. She said as an adult that it was because she cared and wanted the best for me, but it had the exact opposite result.

We started to get along when I raised my kids to see her as their grandmother, which she appreciated, she adores them and think I do a good job bringing them up. It is then she acknowledged that she expected too much of me (and later her own daughter).

Where it went wrong is that she took the role of a mother in a disciplinary way towards me, but wouldn't take the affectionate part. It just doesn't work.

FBaby

spamalot wrote: »

Ballabriggs,

Thanks for your post. Tbh I am worried about PND given all this tension. I feel like I don't have a voice that anyone is listening to and that I'm just suppose to shut up. Maybe I am, but that doesn't come without consequences.

I think my withdrawing for a while might be the only thing that will get us through right now and let DH and I get back on an even keel. He can see them on his own.

I think that's the best solution. The more you say something, the worse it will get. It is only once a month, surely the 28 other days mean more to you and your OH than the 2 they are there?

I think when things get that tense, it is better to step away for a while. You OH is on the defensive right now so whatever you say, he will counter attack, however, it will be going in and will make him reflect, and maybe by you focussing less on them, you will see that all that energy is just a waste of time.