I'm not an evil step mum please be kind!

GobbledyGook

It sounds like your younger step-daughter is worried about losing her Dad to the new baby. It's understandable in many ways, especially if she's young for her age (or spoilt).

In a few weeks you'll be too busy to worry about dirty looks from your SD's. Are you planning to breastfeed? Not asking to be nosy, but for me one of the perks of BF'ing has been the opportunity to say 'I'm just going to take X upstairs for a feed'. Upstairs whilst, yes baby would get fed, but I had my tv with my choice of channels or radio programme, magazines etc and complete peace and quiet. (I didn't normally hide upstairs to feed, but used the fractious baby excuse when it suited me)

I'd stop with the presents and if it's coats/shoes that they use I'd put a couple of things in the hall or whatever that they could use, but put your wardrobe out of bounds. When there's a new baby in the house people get what they get for dinner. In fact I'd be asking/telling your OH that he was in charge of dinners - you'll have enough to do.

I wouldn't exclude them totally though. They need to know that you are going to be a family of 5, not that you, OH and your baby are a family and they and their Dad are a different family. I'm not saying bend over backwards, far from it, just don't withdraw completely.

JoW123

spamalot wrote: »

Ballabriggs,

Thanks for your post. Tbh I am worried about PND given all this tension. I feel like I don't have a voice that anyone is listening to and that I'm just suppose to shut up. Maybe I am, but that doesn't come without consequences.

I think my withdrawing for a while might be the only thing that will get us through right now and let DH and I get back on an even keel. He can see them on his own.

I think this is probably the best solution for a while. You need to concentrate on your health and that of your baby. Your OH may not like it but present it to him as fait accompli as in 'I am doing this for my own health and wellbeing'. If the girls don't like it then tough. They need to accept that this is your decision, made for your benefit and actually no one else gets a say in it.

Person_one

spamalot wrote: »

Ballabriggs,

Thanks for your post. Tbh I am worried about PND given all this tension. I feel like I don't have a voice that anyone is listening to and that I'm just suppose to shut up. Maybe I am, but that doesn't come without consequences.

I think my withdrawing for a while might be the only thing that will get us through right now and let DH and I get back on an even keel. He can see them on his own.

In my first post I suggested you and your husband consider getting in touch with Relate.

Is that not a better option than giving up? That would certainly give both of you a voice, and an environment where it might be easier to listen to and understand each other.

FBaby

Just one thing that came to my mind. You say they borrow your clothes without asking. If that is the case, I would think it shows they might not dislike you as much as you think. I would never ever have wanted to touch anything that belonged to my step-mum.

Maybe it really is just a case of them being a teenager. Teenagers nowadays seem quite different to what we were. I have some friends with older teenagers who are 'good kids' and brought up with good values, but still some things they do or say, I am quite surprised they would get away with...but then my two are heading that way and I expect I will be very much the same with them which will be different to how my parents were with me.

Person_one

Georgiegirl256 wrote: »

Yeah, totally agree, see that's what I meant by jealousy. Apparently (after quickly skim reading the OP's new response!) the OP isn't jealous (according to her), but that's possibly what the step daughter is trying to do, make her jealous, nothing sleezy about it as the OP was trying to suggest.

I think the fact that YSD also sits on her grandfather's knee and does the same 'glare' then puts a bit of a different spin on that behaviour. Maybe its not about the OP as much as she thinks it is. Apparently daddy was getting glared at too!

Mojisola

Person_one wrote: »

I think the fact that YSD also sits on her grandfather's knee and does the same 'glare' then puts a bit of a different spin on that behaviour. Maybe its not about the OP as much as she thinks it is. Apparently daddy was getting glared at too!

Wasn't Daddy getting glared at because he had sat beside his partner? If she went to Grandfather and then gave Dad "the glare", it does sound as if it's calculated to make the person not in her favour feel bad/jealous/upset.

Person_one

Mojisola wrote: »

Wasn't Daddy getting glared at because he had sat beside his partner? If she went to Grandfather and then gave Dad "the glare", it does sound as if it's calculated to make the person not in her favour feel bad/jealous/upset.

The OP said he was glared at, but only YSD knows why, and a 'glare' is a bit subjective, isn't it?

The OP hasn't said a single nice thing about either of these girls, not one quality or personality trait she likes, not one happy memory or good experience. I realise she's very upset at the moment, but I'm not sure her insights into the reasons for the girl's behaviour are reliable right now.

Mojisola

Person_one wrote: »

The OP said he was glared at, but only YSD knows why, and a 'glare' is a bit subjective, isn't it?

The OP hasn't said a single nice thing about either of these girls, not one quality or personality trait she likes, not one happy memory or good experience. I realise she's very upset at the moment, but I'm not sure her insights into the reasons for the girl's behaviour are reliable right now.

After years and years of trying to be nice to them and not getting a polite response, I'm not surprised she hasn't got a good word to say.

FBaby

Mojisola wrote: »

After years and years of trying to be nice to them and not getting a polite response, I'm not surprised she hasn't got a good word to say.

She never said they were not polite. The issue seems to be more about their behaviour with their dad than with OP directly or at least that's the feeling I got.

I do think it is easy to over-analysis every move, sign, word when you are looking for evidence to validate the way you feel. We all do it to some extent, but sometimes it can just go too far hence sometimes it is indeed best to just take a step back.

Mojisola

spamalot wrote: »

In return I get nothing but one word answers, evil looks and the youngest one draping herself over my husband to the point that it is obscene, I kid you not!

I am sick of getting glared at and made to feel like an outsider in my own home.

FBaby wrote: »

She never said they were not polite.

I don't think the behaviour described is polite.