Who should pay for bridesmaids dresses?

burnoutbabe

or you could say

"ah, I hadn't realise I was paying, I can't afford £84 so I'll need to pick something cheaper to wear if thats okay with you, will send you a link when I have found a few ideas"

(ie find a similar style on ebay/cheaper shop).

This assumes you are okay to buy a cheaper dress and resell later on? And her response will set the scene of "YOU WILL BUY THIS DRESS"(you then resign from the bridesmaid role) or "okay, ebay fine/we will pay", friendship in tact.

I'd definately not book the hotel

arrange a hotel elsewhere and pay the £60 taxi (£120 both ways) but share with a few others who also stay in the cheaper hotel? Unless its like on an island, no where is THAT much for a pre-booked taxi ride?

Rainbowbrite

Wow I can't believe that! I'm worrying about how to break it to my BMs that we might not have money in the budget for them to have their hair done, but if /when that does happen il also be making it clear that they don't have to have it done professionally, I'm totally happy for them to do it themselves so they still don't have to be out of pocket.

It's utterly rude to expect someone to wear something specific and not pay for it!

Buying your own bridesmaid dress is quite an American thing, certainly not the norm here, and if they had made this decision it should have been communicated to you sooner, and you should have a say in the dress!

inklove

Brighton_belle wrote: »

it still implies it's completely ok for the op to pay these costs and anything else and that the op can find the money.
It isn't. It's inappropriate, thoughtless, and self centred of the bride to dump this on her via her fianc!.
All that will happen is bride replies with list of further costs for hair etc.

This is exactly what I don't want to happen, her OH while being nice does have a tendency to take liberties if allowed and I definitely don't want them to think that it's ok.

The bottom line is that is I had been told in advance that they expected me to pay for the dress I would have had chance to either explain that I would struggle to afford it or made an effort to get a dress that I actually liked (and felt was worth that much of my money) but now I feel like I'm being unreasonable saying anything.

It's hard because I don't want to upset my friend, or cause drama, or make it seem like I'm not committed to being a good bridesmaid for her, but it has really put a dampened on it all.

I was rereading all of the messages from them earlier and I was very tempted to just 'play dumb' and send "I don't understand, are you asking me to pay for the bridesmaid dress?"

Thanks again for all of the great advice, I'm actual surprised that everyone agreed with me, I was expecting a lot of people to come and say "oh yes it's now the tradition for bridesmaid to pay for their own dresses, suck it up"
It's a relief to know that I'm not being ridiculously unreasonable.

burnoutbabe

Paying for your dress is okay IF you get to choose it Iwithin some broad colour or style choice say) and would wear it again /can easily resell it.

As often a lot of people would buy a new outfit/dress for a wedding (finances permitting).

But if the bride insists on a particular design, they pay.

Playing dumb probably is the best, or just be very appologetic for you having misunderstood and be seem to be helpful to them (ie mentioning you can't afford it so it needs to be returned, but you'll find something nice to fit in that you can afford).

Wouldn't cancelling the hotel and staying somewhere else pay for the dress?

jetplane

inklove wrote: »

It's hard because I don't want to upset my friend, or cause drama, or make it seem like I'm not committed to being a good bridesmaid for her, but it has really put a dampened on it all.

I was rereading all of the messages from them earlier and I was very tempted to just 'play dumb' and send "I don't understand, are you asking me to pay for the bridesmaid dress?"

Well I don't want to sound juvenile but your friend started this so I think the upset and drama is down to her and the groom. I think your 'play dumb' message is a good idea and if they message back 'yes' then that opens the door for you to say sorry I cant afford it.

Money aside I still think it's a liberty, at what point did the bride decide she wasn't paying for the dress? When she asked you to be bridesmaid, when she was deciding what you would wear, when you went for your fitting, after she paid a deposit? Really its the bride who should pay and suck it up.

Flipping heck will you be my bridesmaid, it will cost you a fortune for the privilege, £500 to get here and stay overnight and at least another £100 for the dress, shoes, accessories et al. (Is it a free bar or will you have other expenses?)

Er no thanks I've booked a cheap holiday flight and will be soaking up the sun for a week but I wish you well.

The only one who should feel awkward is your friend.

DigForVictory

You are not being in the least unreasonable - my only concern now is that the longer you leave it, the longer they think you're going to do as they want despite the cost. Which makes finding a sub who fits the frock at shortening notice trickier.

As a courtesy to your friend, she needs to know with reasonable speed that her cunning wedding plan has been identified (and challenged), and that if she really wants you on the team, she had better be prepared to put her hand into her pocket.

Might something like this clear out the misunderstandings?
"I'm so sorry, I clearly didn't get the email saying bridesmaids were to pay for their own dresses, or accomodation, transport and so on.
Had I known sooner, I could have told you that whilst you are my best friend, & much cherished, I simply cannot afford the honour.
Please let me know how you want to proceed - I will be sorry if I have to miss your wedding because I cannot afford to come."

If she agrees, she picks up the tab. If she doesn't, she can compose a suitable "you're off the team".

Mojisola

inklove wrote: »

The bottom line is that is I had been told in advance that they expected me to pay for the dress I would have had chance to either explain that I would struggle to afford it or made an effort to get a dress that I actually liked (and felt was worth that much of my money) but now I feel like I'm being unreasonable saying anything.

It's hard because I don't want to upset my friend, or cause drama, or make it seem like I'm not committed to being a good bridesmaid for her, but it has really put a dampened on it all.

This started with your friend upsetting you - is she relying on your good nature not to cause a fuss to make you pay some of the costs of her wedding?

inklove

Well I sent the "I'm sorry I don't understand, do you mean that you want me to pay for the bridesmaid dress?"

They replied with "Yes of course, it's your dress after all"

I sent back "well it is usual for the couple getting married to pay for the wedding, including the bridesmaids dresses. I have only ever known bridesmaids to pay for their own outfits when they have chosen the dress themselves. If you had always planned for us to pay for them ourselves you should have said so and I would certainly have requested a say in the dress that I have to buy and wear."

I didn't receive a reply to that but not long ago my friend left me a voicemail saying that they had been unsure about the dresses (she wasn't 100% happy with them from the start) and after recent revelations it seems clear the dresses are just not a good idea so she is going to cancel the order. Instead she wants us all to just get a long, pale pink dress that we are happy with to wear as our bridesmaids dress, she has already bought us matching shrug/cardigans and she thinks that will look much better and we will all be happy.

I don't really know what to say to that.

quidsy

I would seem she has had similar replies from the other bridesmaids then, all expressing shock at having to pay.

she sounds like a prat tbh.

inklove

quidsy wrote: »

I would seem she has had similar replies from the other bridesmaids then, all expressing shock at having to pay.

she sounds like a prat tbh.

That was my first though.