Toys, toys, toys and anxiety!

victory

jamiefly wrote: »

My wife won't allow me to work in anything menial and it has to fit around schooling. I'm very lonely, isolated and long to be a part of society again. I've been a SAHD for nearly five years now and can't expect to walk into an acceptable role any time soon. I will override this and look for agency work from September when my son is in preschool 4 days a week.

Now were getting somewhere... Instead of answering in a rude, snappy, dismissive tone which you have done plenty, what you have written now you could have said at the beginning and had a much more helpful thread tailored to your needs...

You are isolated? Location or you feel like that? Take the little one to tiny tots groups, readings at a library, swimming, to the park, to parent and child gymnastics....

Lonely? Your wife can come back to the Uk or you could live abroad?

sulkisu

iammumtoone wrote: »

Rather than "override" her, again try to look at it from her side, she has a top job and must get asked what her husband does, do you want her to have to reply he cleans toilets for a living. There is nothing wrong with cleaning toilets and I don't suppose your wife thinks there is either but she might be afraid of it looking bad on her that you have to work when they is clearly no need for you to.
Why don't you do some charity work instead, gets you out meeting people, you don't need the money and she can say with pride my husband does charity work.

If that's what he does, then why not? The 'wife won't allow me to' part is the issue. I earn £75k p.a. while my partner does most of the childcare. He was made redundant and works part-time at the moment (graveyard shifts as an office cleaner) - while he looks for something else. It gets him out of the house, brings in a wage and he has a laugh with his colleagues. I love and respect him and I am proud of him for doing it. We don't need the money and with three toddlers to care for, he would be justified in not working. I have no problem telling people - including my colleagues - what he does and wouldn't dream of telling him that he couldn't do this job because it was somehow beneath me.

springdreams

It sounds like you resent your wife's successful career to me. She has worked very hard to get where she is.

Loads of women are in your shoes. Man up and find a way to deal with things, the same way as so many women are having to.

As for the loads of parcels, do as another poster has suggested, and refuse to sign for them. Your wife will eventually get the message and stop buying stuff online.

I also think you need to maybe join a few parent and child groups where the other parents can teach you a few coping strategies.

Do either of your parents or your wife's parents live locally? If so, perhaps they would be willing to look after the children one day a week to give you a bit of a break.

paulineb_2

jamiefly wrote: »

I have taken plenty on board from helpfull posters here. all 'thanked'.

And youve not thanked other posters because obviously you didnt feel the advice was helpful. I dont post on threads looking for thanks anyway and Im sure lots of posters dont but I said earlier on that I thought there was more going on for you than just the toys and it looks very much like there is.

You aren't allowed to do certain jobs, you arent allowed to talk about jobs viewed as more menial. You are miserable but you are well off, your kids are being showered with gifts by a mum who feels guilty that shes away from them.

Work ethic aside and I dont believe that being Irish necessarily means you have to work yourself into the ground, your wife is being controlling, she may be a lovely person but shes giving off the impression that she looks down on certain people due to their job title. Not a positive quality, neither is telling you what you can and cant do work wise.

I think you really need to take a long hard look at the way you are being treated and whether you can continue to be treated like this long term, because all the cash in the world doesnt make up for misery as you've suggested yourself. You are also bringing up kids in what sounds like a less than positive environment, if you are feeling low, shes feeling guilty, you arent allowed to work.

You should be able to do whatever you like for a job or a career no matter what your wifes position in the company is. Not allowed to talk about it? Who wants to live like that with the impression being given out that someone is ashamed of what you do?

paulineb_2

sulkisu wrote: »

If that's what he does, then why not? The 'wife won't allow me to' part is the issue. I earn £75k p.a. while my partner does most of the childcare. He was made redundant and works part-time at the moment (graveyard shifts as an office cleaner) - while he looks for something else. It gets him out of the house, brings in a wage and he has a laugh with his colleagues. I love and respect him and I am proud of him for doing it. We don't need the money and with three toddlers to care for, he would be justified in not working. I have no problem telling people - including my colleagues - what he does and wouldn't dream of telling him that he couldn't do this job because it was somehow beneath me.

That just about sums it all up for me.

jamiefly

sooty&sweep wrote: »

Hi
Apologies but I've not read the whole thread so apologies if I've missed this. However what happens when your wife is at home ?
Does she ever look after the children on her own ? Does she understand how much hard work it is ?
I think it's easy for the working parent to think looking after young children is all fun & play. They don't realise how hard and brain numbing it can be.
Maybe if she had some "quality" time with them without you around she may start to understand your point of view.
Jen

She doesn't even know how to change a nappy (properly) she spends plenty of quality time with them at the w/end when they become too much she dumps them back on me.

She took 5weeks maternity leave and complains when she comes home (flys out on a sunday, flys in on a wednesday or Thursday) ironically about the mass of toys strewn all over the place. It's a vicious circle, I tidy up and the children mess up, by the time they are both in bed asleep I am too tired to tidy up again.

minimoneysaver

What a bunch of judgemental people!!!

I applaud you for staying at home and raising your children while your wife is working. It can't be easy, as I've heard that many women are not at all welcoming at playgroups etc.

On the subject of the stair gate, I understand that your son was climbing over them and you are right, the advice in that situation is to remove the gates, same advice when the children are climbing over cot rails.

As for the presents, it is up to you what you do with them. I can't believe I've just read about 30 posts harping on about charity shops etc. One or two posts saying the same thing is more than enough. I can't understand why people were saying the same thing, over & over. I'm sure that you will find a way to get rid of the excess.

I would suggest that you sit down with your wife and let her see how much has been played with in a month. Maybe keep a running diary of the toys that are played with? It may help her to see in black & white that there are many things that are left sat in a box for months on end. There is also counselling. It may help her to understand the reasons why she feels the need to spend obscene amounts of money on 'stuff'

Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

LannieDuck

Would she consider taking a long weekend off work and looking after the kids by herself? You could take yourself away to visit relatives/whatever you find relaxing.

If she's never experienced childcare by herself, you're fighting an uphill battle to convince her how draining it can be. Plus it sounds as if you could do with a break. When's the last time you had a weekend away from the children?

victory

paulineb wrote: »

And youve not thanked other posters because obviously you didnt feel the advice was helpful. I dont post on threads looking for thanks anyway and Im sure lots of posters dont but I said earlier on that I thought there was more going on for you than just the toys and it looks very much like there is.

You aren't allowed to do certain jobs, you arent allowed to talk about jobs viewed as more menial. You are miserable but you are well off, your kids are being showered with gifts by a mum who feels guilty that shes away from them.

Work ethic aside and I dont believe that being Irish necessarily means you have to work yourself into the ground, your wife is being controlling, she may be a lovely person but shes giving off the impression that she looks down on certain people due to their job title. Not a positive quality, neither is telling you what you can and cant do work wise.

I think you really need to take a long hard look at the way you are being treated and whether you can continue to be treated like this long term, because all the cash in the world doesnt make up for misery as you've suggested yourself. You are also bringing up kids in what sounds like a less than positive environment, if you are feeling low, shes feeling guilty, you arent allowed to work.

You should be able to do whatever you like for a job or a career no matter what your wifes position in the company is. Not allowed to talk about it? Who wants to live like that with the impression being given out that someone is ashamed of what you do?

I'm not defending that way of thinking but I do know a few husband and wives set up where the husband works in London and the wife is expected to remain at home not doing ' any menial job' their words not mine as to not embarrass her husband, he says there's more credibility to saying ' oh my wife stays at home with the little ones' rather than the other, also wife is readily available to entertain, put on a show I would say but entertain he says, all the work colleagues at home ..... There are plenty of couples that think this way.

GobbledyGook

What do you want to do?

Forget what your wife will allow you to do, what you planned to do, what you think you should do etc. What do you want to do?

Do you want to find work? Do you want help finding activities to do with or without the children?

Being a SAHP can be very isolating. My OH used to work away a lot and it was harder being at home on my own with no plans than it was juggling being solo with the children and working part time.

My OH thought my first job was beneath me. He thought that if I was working I should have been doing something more fitting to the level that he believes I'm at. However, within a month he could see the difference in me and the impact that difference had on the children because they had a calmer, more confident, more fulfilled parent at home with them (I did voluntary work 1 day a week to start).

You sound a bit like I was with the good household income. With your daughter at school you could easily afford a childminder/nursery/creche once a week or once a fortnight. I currently put my son into a nursery once a week. i don't work so I don't 'need' to do so. All of my friends with children are back at work and we don't have a big family so his opportunities with children his own age are limited (I'd rather have teeth pulled than go to the local toddler group). Every other week I use that day to catch up on the house work that piles up when running after three kids. So that's the day the skirting gets done or the windows or the weeds etc. However the alternate week is mine.

I alternate my alternate weeks (if that makes sense). Once a month I do a voluntary role and on the other I go swimming or do something I want to do. On Monday I read a whole book from cover to cover.

When one partner works hard to build a good life for the family everyone in the family should have a good life. IMO there's no point being well off and miserable. The best thing about an above average income is having the choice to change things.

Good luck. Gemma x