Toys, toys, toys and anxiety!

LannieDuck

Being a stay-at-home parent is hard, no matter which gender. It's long hours and often thankless. Leaving aside all other issues for a moment, are you happy as a SAHD?

If not, it sounds as if your wife earns enough that you could easily afford proper childcare to allow you to work part-time. Maybe a nanny?

jamiefly

sulkisu wrote: »

Not strictly true, but can I offer another piece of advice (feel free to ignore it). Perhaps accept less from your wife yourself. I understand that she pays the bills, which is fair enough. However, instead of trading the £37k sports car in for a £45k car, why not just get a much cheaper practical car (assuming that you need one)? Dont accept the excessive financial gifts every month and tell her to keep her bonus. If you have a joint account, spend the bare essential and nothing more.
She won't take your concerns about work seriously, if you appear happy to enjoy the rewards.

I'm getting an estate that does 0-60 in less than 7seconds essential criteria if you ask me (only joking) we live out in the sticks so a car is essential (which is able to cope with moderate flood waters). I pay the bills from the house keeping (risking sounding like a troll of £3,300 a month) and I take the money as I worry she will spend it on more toys. What isn't spent (~£1,300-£1,500 in outgoings) gets kicked back into an old account of hers then recycled into a SIPP.

jamiefly

LannieDuck wrote: »

Being a stay-at-home parent is hard, no matter which gender. It's long hours and often thankless. Leaving aside all other issues for a moment, are you happy as a SAHD?

If not, it sounds as if your wife earns enough that you could easily afford proper childcare to allow you to work part-time. Maybe a nanny?

My wife won't allow me to work in anything menial and it has to fit around schooling. I'm very lonely, isolated and long to be a part of society again. I've been a SAHD for nearly five years now and can't expect to walk into an acceptable role any time soon. I will override this and look for agency work from September when my son is in preschool 4 days a week.

LannieDuck

jamiefly wrote: »

My wife won't allow me to work in anything menial and it has to fit around schooling. I'm very lonely, isolated and long to be a part of society again. I've been a SAHD for nearly five years now and can't expect to walk into an acceptable role any time soon. I will override this and look for agency work from September when my son is in preschool 4 days a week.

Why does it have to fit around schooling? There are plenty of childminders/babysitters who will drop off/collect from school (as will nannies), if you have the cash.

Seems to me you could work 2 or 3 days a week without impacting too badly on your children even now. But looking for work from September sounds like something at least.

As for 'won't allow you to work in anything menial', I'll say exactly the same to you that I would to woman in your position - what right does she have to tell you what you can and can't do? She can (and should) have an opinion, but saying she 'won't allow you to' is giving her far too much power over your career options.

I agree with those who are suggesting that this thread isn't about toys at all. There's a much more fundamental issue here that you need to resolve.

Adrenalina

Here's another way to spin it (and I'm only throwing out random thoughts here, things you probably have already thought about):
working mothers feeling guilty at leaving the childcare to others is incredibly common (show me a mother who doesn't). Are you sure she is missing her children? Or is it just guilt, that she doesn't conform to the "normal" ideal of a mother? what was the conversation when she fell pregnant with your first child? was she happy? worried? did she have PND? i.e. how does she really feel about her children? does she even know them? I have a two year old and she changes so much in just one week, never mind three.
What is the SIPP for? Is she planning on early retirement (at what, forty?) what you are saving every month is what a lot of families live on. Is this money really essential? I assume you have no mortgage to pay, so what is the money for? Isn't it more important that you all have a balance life style? If she wants to work hard she can do that for a local charity, but if she is fixated on the number on her paycheck she might need a reminder about choices she made five years ago.

I appreciate it is incredibly hard to ask for advice here, because you can't ever fully explain your situation to someone else, unless you take days over it. This is what close friends are for. Is there no-one you trust that you can speak to about this in person?

*EDIT* just saw your comment about not feeling part of society. I know toddler groups etc can feel daunting, especially as a man, but there are lots of activities where people chat afterwards and get to know each other and that way you build your own community. It sounds as if you certainly have the money to join baby swimming, toddler yoga, singing classes woodland craft groups etc and they are often keen for dads to get involved as so many children's activites have only female role models. I'm sure I saw some SAHD groups as well...

iammumtoone

jamiefly wrote: »

My wife won't allow me to work in anything menial and it has to fit around schooling. I'm very lonely, isolated and long to be a part of society again. I've been a SAHD for nearly five years now and can't expect to walk into an acceptable role any time soon. I will override this and look for agency work from September when my son is in preschool 4 days a week.

Rather than "override" her, again try to look at it from her side, she has a top job and must get asked what her husband does, do you want her to have to reply he cleans toilets for a living. There is nothing wrong with cleaning toilets and I don't suppose your wife thinks there is either but she might be afraid of it looking bad on her that you have to work when they is clearly no need for you to.
Why don't you do some charity work instead, gets you out meeting people, you don't need the money and she can say with pride my husband does charity work.

jamiefly

FBaby wrote: »

So our is about more than the toys! You have been given ideas and suggestions but haven't commented much on these.

I have taken plenty on board from helpfull posters here. all 'thanked'.

jamiefly

iammumtoone wrote: »

Rather than "override" her, again try to look at it from her side, she has a top job and must get asked what her husband does, do you want her to have to reply he cleans toilets for a living. There is nothing wrong with cleaning toilets and I don't suppose your wife thinks there is either but she might be afraid of it looking bad on her that you have to work when they is clearly no need for you to.
Why don't you do some charity work instead, gets you out meeting people, you don't need the money and she can say with pride my husband does charity work.

Brilliant. Hit the nail on the head.

I've been told when I start work it will be out of site (in another area), and I will not be allowed to talk about the joys of delivery driving et al in public. It's not the job she's ashamed about it's her position and what you said.

jamiefly

Adrenalina... good post thanks, we do have a mortgage to pay and we overpay where we can. We paid 10% off in 2012, 2013 and 15% this month. It's interested only and the plan was to use 25% from the SIPP to pay off the mortgage but we are paying it off in dribs and drabs all the same.

sooty&sweep

Hi
Apologies but I've not read the whole thread so apologies if I've missed this. However what happens when your wife is at home ?
Does she ever look after the children on her own ? Does she understand how much hard work it is ?
I think it's easy for the working parent to think looking after young children is all fun & play. They don't realise how hard and brain numbing it can be.
Maybe if she had some "quality" time with them without you around she may start to understand your point of view.
Jen