Toys, toys, toys and anxiety!

claire16c

jamiefly wrote: »

I don't it's tied to her mobile. Parcels get left in the porch (safe area).

All you need is her email address which I assume you know - and her password.

Then cancel them.

Or do what balletshoes suggested. Stack them on her side of the bed so she cant get in.

Stop whining about it and take some physical action.

jamiefly

FBaby wrote: »

So our is about more than the toys! You have been given ideas and suggestions but haven't commented much on these.

Yeah... all pretty much the same, bag 'em up and send them to charity. Genius I couldn't have thought the same.

Katem

Have you thought about getting your wife to send half the amount of toys (once a week instead of twice) and putting the equivalent amount away for a weekend break when she's home? Time spent with the kids is far more valuable than toys but this way you reach a bit of a compromise - she gets to send a parcel three times a month and you get half the amount of toys. And if she really needs to send something extra, an email with funny pics is always a winner with little people.

But my gut feeling is that this isn't about toys at all.

jamiefly

balletshoes wrote: »

Was your wife always this way, since you got married? Did she always have the work ethic she has now, has she always been earning this kind of money? What about you? Was it planned that you would be the stay-at-home parent all along?

Forget the toys and the clutter they create for a moment (you've had loads of practical tips on how to deal with that) - what would be your preference, how do you think the balance could be struck in your marriage and family life, so you are all more content than you all are now?

I come from a very wealthy background, my great grandparents were very wealthy, grandparents less so (old money usually causes problems further down the line (gambling on my fathers side and failed businesses) material things do not interest me I long for a simple, modest life and married a clever girl but never seriously thought she'd climb so high and fast I'd have prefered it if she hadn't to be honest.

Tixy

jamiefly wrote: »

Yeah... all pretty much the same, bag 'em up and send them to charity. Genius I couldn't have thought the same.

Really thats the only suggestion you feel has been made?

Did you not see the other suggestions such as
to return them or
to rotate the toys so less are out all the time or
to talk to your wife further about reducing what she sends or
don't open them all at once and bring them out gradually or
don't open them at all and leave them to build up unopened to try get your point across to your wife that she is buying too much and the impact it is having on you and your home life.

Obviously everything anyone could suggest you have already thought of yourself and discounted as of no use to you.

z.n

In the hope that OP is not a troll I am going to be very honest here- speaking from personal experience. This level of work ethic in a 'normal' (ie caring non-sociopathic or narcissistic) person is dangerous. It is fundamental to who you are and how you see yourself in the world and is totally incompatible with putting the needs of anyone (including yourself) first. I am sitting here and not in some swanky London office earning gazillions and working for two days straight because I could not cope with the competing demands of my work ethic and those of my children. It nearly caused my death and that of my child ('essential' business meetings taking precedence over ante-natal appointments) and caused a major breakdown when managing the needs of both work and kids at 100% proved impossible. Something had to give and for me it was my brain. Pop-just like that.

The buzz, the adrenalin, the wonderful feeling of esteem and excitement of a high pressured job are I suspect like a drug- and even now I could dive right back in. I am aware of all this because of years of therapy trying to 'put me back together again.' I also know that when I suddenly stopped work the business didn't fold- other people very competently stepped in to fill my place. Galling but true that in a work sense none of us is indispensible. Not so when it comes to being a parent.

With respect, if your wife is actually a bit of a softie underneath that businesslike exterior (and it sounds like she could well be) this is what happens if things go too far for just a bit too long. Far better to scale back a bit and look at the things that really matter in life. This is a conversation you need to have. The people who manage to keep all the balls in the air are generally male with family-supported wives who carry most of the load , women happy to outsouce parenting (live in nannies, housekeepers etc) women who choose to have no children or who (most commonly) take a lesser role (or both parents take a slight drop in terms of time commitment) so they can devote more time to family. Or any combination of the above.ie they are the ones who can compromise and balance work/home. The old fashioned work ethic where the client always comes first is outdated and takes no account of the speed of modern communications and information overload- the person instilling this ethic in your wife probably worked a more regular job, without the travelling, was male, or had very unhappy children. Or all of the above.

iammumtoone

OP ask yourself this. If you wife suddenly stopped sending the toys, would that suddenly make you happy?

When the accident happened was you wife away? Is wasn't your fault, it wasn't her fault it was just an accident, they happen. You were there, you could help your son, comfort him and make sure he was ok, what could you wife do? She must have felt awful not being able to see him at that time to give him a kiss and tell him he would be ok, so the only thing she felt she could do, if she could not cheer him up in person was send a toy to cheer him up. I am not saying what she is doing is right but she believes it is, just telling her to stop is not going to help, you need to try to see things from her point of view and be sympathetic that you understand what it must be like for her. Once to try to do that and start talking you will find ways to help resolve your situation.

poet123

This really isn't about the toys is it? It is a symptom of you feeling powerless and controlled, by money and by your wife. Whether that is the reality you can't help how you feel.

You sound overwhelmed and I doubt that you feel that given the monetary excess t you will get much sympathy from those close to you. You probably feel you should feel lucky, but you don't, and if lucky and wanting for nothing, is how you know others see you. that won't help your mood. You may even feel emasculated.

You are entitled to feel that way, indeed we can't help our feelings, but we can help how we react to them.

I imagine it is very hard being alone 3 weeks out of 4 and being in sole charge. Trying to establish a routine which is good for the kids and gives you some me time.

I am a big believer in lists. Sit down make a list of all the things you feel would improve your lot, starting with the the one that would make the biggest impact and make you happier. Be honest. Then carry on down to the small things mentioned here.

You can do it, but then comes the harder part. When your wife is next home take the opportunity to put all the problems out there, but not in a "you work away and so I am left to sort out all these issues" manner but in a "I really miss you and am finding it a struggle" manner. You have to do this for your sake, the sake of your marriage and for your kids.

Material things cannot plug emotional holes.

Good luck and be kind to yourself, but above all be honest, don't deflect the underlying issues by focusing on the toys, that is a symptom, not the cause.

paulineb_2

jamiefly wrote: »

Yeah... all pretty much the same, bag 'em up and send them to charity. Genius I couldn't have thought the same.

People are trying to help you here. Its posts like the above that makes posters think why do they bother.

sulkisu

jamiefly wrote: »

Yeah... all pretty much the same, bag 'em up and send them to charity. Genius I couldn't have thought the same.

Not strictly true, but can I offer another piece of advice (feel free to ignore it). Perhaps accept less from your wife yourself. I understand that she pays the bills, which is fair enough. However, instead of trading the £37k sports car in for a £45k car, why not just get a much cheaper practical car (assuming that you need one)? Dont accept the excessive financial gifts every month and tell her to keep her bonus. If you have a joint account, spend the bare essential and nothing more.
She won't take your concerns about work seriously, if you appear happy to enjoy the rewards.