Weddding Invite without Daughters name

Whattodonow

Last wedding I went to, three children squarked throughout the whole ceremony and the guests near them could not hear the vows and everyone was distracted. I felt really sorry for the bride and groom - the most important part of their day had been ruined.

So I don't blame people for wanting a child free wedding.

Saveitandsee

I wrote a whole post but inadvertently deleted it. Try again. Let's view this from the other side:

My fiance and I get wed this year. Aside from the children in the bridal party, we have opted to have an adult only wedding because if we invite the children of every couple we are inviting, we are going to have to drastically cull our guest list (which would include cutting out very close personal friends who are part of our everyday lives) out, because the venue can only hold a certain number of people and our budget simply won't stretch to a larger venue.

I recently received a telephone call from a relative who asked if she could bring her 2 year old daughter. I had to explain that if she brought her child then it would put us in a very difficult position with those who we have already explained to that the wedding is child free. My relative doesn't feel that it is the same for them because they live locally rather than her who is 460 miles away and so she has decided not to come. It's a shame that she can't come but I'm annoyed that she thinks that being a relative and living 460 miles away somehow entitles her to an exception that other guests aren't privvy to and I'm furious at the way she is trying to guilt me into allowing her daughter to be there.

I've just described my own wedding, and a phone call I received from a relative. Except our phone call was a lot more heated because for every reason (excuse) she gave as to why she couldn't get childcare, I had an answer.

I would guess that your husband's entire family aren't invited. Doesn't he have relatives that you could leave your daughter with? Parents? I'm sure they would love the chance to have a weekend with their grandchild.

Why should the fact that you can't secure childcare for your child, who is your responsibility, be laid at her door?

Why should she make an exception for an aunt who lives 350 miles away and who she probably due to the distance rarely sees, but not make an exception for people who live locally and who realistically probably has a relationship with their children?

Why do you think that merely having a bloodline entitles your child to be there? Or somehow places you in a higher ranking of importance to the other local and unrelated guests? Does she know your child well? Do they have a strong bond? Do the two of you?

You say that they have been engaged for two years but were planning the wedding since before then. Your child is also two so it would follow that in the initial planning stages that your child was not born and so didn't factor in their numbers when looking at venues - probably along with a whole host of other children who hadn't been born in that time. If you knew back then that they were arranging a wedding for 350 miles away, why, in those two years did you not put plans in place to secure childcare? Why did your husband not secure time off work in advance?

If it were a family funeral, would you think it inconsiderate of the host not to arrange the funeral for a time when your husband was off work so that he could watch your child? Would you bring your child anyway? If not why not, it's all family.

I understand and of course I accept that not inviting children may mean that some guests can't come and that's a shame because I'd really like them all to be there but having considered numbers and finances, there is no other fair way of doing it. I understand and of course I accept that not inviting children may mean that some guests can't come and that's a shame because I'd really like them all to be there but having considered numbers and finances, there is no other fair way of doing it. Why should I alter my 'no child' rule for one guest who considers the wedding so unimportant that her husband hasn't sorted time off work to attend it? After all, nobody has an automatic right (relative or not) to be invited. I've invited people who I would like to share in the joy of our commitment because they are important to me.

Let's be real here. My fiance is not my children's father. For the last 10 years, I have been a single parent. My family live miles away and the children's father and his family take nothing to do with them, so finding childcare doesn't come easily to me. Yet somehow I have always either managed to secure childcare or I have managed to say "Look. I'd love to be there but unfortunately I can't sort childcare out. But I hope you have a wonderful day". Not once have I ever considered my inability to secure childcare for my own children, someone else's responsibility.

I suggest you go away and have a long hard think about what it is that you are asking her to do.

Poppy9

Own_My_Own wrote: »

My sister had a no child wedding. My dd aged 2 was a bridesmaid. I found out the week before the wedding that we weren't invited to the wedding breakfast because it wouldn't be fair on the other people there who had children.
I wasn't overly impressed that I couldn't go to meal, but I didn't say anything. We just came home, got changed and carried on with our day.

It was her day and her choice.

I do think that's a bit harsh and using your DD! I wouldn't have been happy.

donnalou wrote: »

Yes I think that is the problem I feel deeply offended because I expected to be invited, I would never go away without my daughter, I always put my daughter first that is why I won't be going to the wedding

Every parent makes their child a priority but that is not the bride's problem to solve. You could decline the invite to the reception but there is nothing to stop you and your DD attending the actual service if it's in a church. If your niece is that important and close to you, this is an option to consider.

What I don't understand is your OH not having booked time off work if this wedding was planned years ago? Then you could have had your family holiday, attended service and enjoyed rest of your holiday.


A close friend of mine is getting married soon with only 30 guests she's favoured friends over family as she's decided it's her day so she will have who she wants there. DD has always been close to her but at 18 she's invited to Hen weekend but not wedding and is fine with that. With such a small guest list for the wedding OH and I are honoured to be invited.

RuthnJasper

flea72 wrote: »

Planned for years, so before your LO was even a consideration?

Also i would say its an adult only wedding. A few bridesmaids are the exception and are prob older than your LO too, with expectations on their behaviour.

A line has to be drawn. Its easier to have a blanket ban, than annoy some of the guests. You seem affronted that your LO isnt invited, but how do you think all the other parents feel if you get to bring yours and they cant bring theirs. Your LO isnt a bridesmaid, so obviously your niece doesnt feel her inclusion in the day is that important to her, otherwise, she would have bent the rules

It was quite rude to ask if your LO could come. What an awful position to put someone in. Id be more annoyed at my OH for not getting time off work tbh, so that i could go alone, rathe than getting antsy with the bride

I agree with flea72. Personally, I don't have a problem with smaller children, as long as their parents can keep them under control. My little niece and nephew, as well as other tinies, came to the most recent family wedding and were sensibly each given a 'party bag' containing a "quiet" toy like Lego, a colouring book and some crayons; worked a treat.

HOWEVER, I used to sing in the local church choir and sang at quite a few weddings. I had the misfortune of singing at one quite well-to-do ceremony where the small children of two guests were basically feral and left to behave as such by their parents. The bride had a very grand, traditional dress and two of the children decided to leap out as she walked down the aisle to sit on the train and "ride" it. The bride's father and bridesmaids had to deal with the protesting brats before the dress was torn. Not long after, child 3, irked at being left out of his siblings' train escapade worked himself to the front of the church and tried to launch himself under the bride's skirt as the vows were taking place. It was really distressing to see the poor bride's embarrassment and to see her struggling not to cry.

Obviously this is an extreme example. I'm sure that donnalou's child wouldn't behave like this and I can well understand why she is unhappy about the arrangement; but ultimately it is the bride and groom who have made the choice and it's their day. Maybe you can take your little girl out somewhere nice as a special treat with some of the money you've saved on petrol for going all the way there and back...?

Best wishes. x

FBaby

I was exactly in the same predicament than your niece. We had to decide to go with a children free wedding, the reason being that my OH's friends/family mainly don't have young children whereas all my friends do. It would have been a case of having as many children as adults, all of them unknown to my OH. It didn't seem right to be paying such a large amount of money for kids who he didn't care one bit about.

Most of my friends were absolutely fine with it and some even said that they were delighted to have an opportunity to have a day children free. The issue came with my sister. She came from another country and she made it clear to my mum that she wasn't coming without her son. It did annoyed me that she considered that it was her decision, didn't even discuss it with me, but in the end, my OH and I decided it wasn't worth battling with her on this issue and I was pleased she had even accepted in the first place coming from so far away.

In the end, one of my friend misunderstood the invitation and came with her young daughter. Nothing was said, accommodation were made for her, and everything was fine. Nobody seemed offended that there were two other children in addition to mine.

We had a wonderful time, really enjoyed my time with my sister and I'm so glad I didn't let this issue get in the way. Maybe you could discuss it with her, maybe you could offer to pay for her meal, or something you could offer as a compromise. Make sure you yourself look after your daughter and not expect others do it (I have been at a few weddings when I've seen parents enjoying their time drinking and letting their kids wander everywhere with other adults ending up ensuring they were behaving/safe).

Flugelhorn

donnalou wrote: »

Yes I think that is the problem I feel deeply offended because I expected to be invited, I would never go away without my daughter, I always put my daughter first that is why I won't be going to the wedding

I think this is the point, before I had kids I never realised how central they became to parents' lives. Your niece (unless she has kids) won;t see the problem but to you it is overwhelming feeling of wanting to be with your child.
I didn't have any kids at my wedding but have had to turn down the odd invite as kids weren't included and I struggled with child care at that particular time and would rather not go to the event than struggle with arrangements.

Mojisola

Flugelhorn wrote: »

I think this is the point, before I had kids I never realised how central they became to parents' lives. Your niece (unless she has kids) won;t see the problem but to you it is overwhelming feeling of wanting to be with your child.

Seriously? No work, no evening classes, no trips out with your OH or your friends?

Paulaviki

Most people I know are pleased to be invited to weddings and other events without their kids, they see it as a good chance to have a night off and enjoy themselves without having to worry about running after their kids. It's nit a bad thing to want a night off, or to enjoy it if you get one.

At my wedding we invited very limited numbers of kids as we didn't want it to turn into a kids party and because it would have meant adults missing out. No one complained to me, and if they did I've have told them straight and explained it was up to then if they didn't want to come.

Poppy9

I do find it odd that brides/grooms exclude nieces and nephews as I class them as immediate family and they would be on essential guests.

I've also never felt someone has been doing me a favour in not inviting my DD to a wedding/party etc. I just take the invite at face value and accept or decline it. An all day wedding without my DD when she was younger would be a problem as I had no parents to provide childcare, one of my siblings is disabled, another lived away and my in-laws were disabled/FT carer so I had to ask friends and only really had one I felt I could comfortably ask and it might not have been convenient. But I always accepted/declined without making a fuss and certainly didn't blame the lack of child invite for not attending.

duchy

My cousin pulled this one.
My (last) wedding was a registry office with a sit down meal for fifty after...on a Friday....no disco just the ceremony and a nice meal. We decided to make it child free based on economics (not wishing to pay a fortune for a meal a child won't eat) and suitability-Kids frankly would be bored.....and likely disruptive .
No-one had a problem with it except my cousin... He rang my Mum and said "I assume even though my daughter's name isn't on it (he had two daughters) she is invited. My Mum explained that no the invite was just for him as we weren't inviting any children......"But she WANTS to come" .....<yeah and ?> "She has never been to a wedding before "<unlikely as cousin is rabid born again Christian so presumably some of his friends would have got married in the past 10 years> "Well if my child isn't welcome then I'm not coming" <OK David - If that's the decision you have made-we must respect it....Bye (Mum quickly hangs up to cousin cousin going "but....but..but)>

(Truth was he was a PITA and we'd invited him out of courtesy )

Not all nieces/nephews/cousins are close- I don't think I'd seen this ten year old since she was a baby yet my cousin felt it was OK to try and emotionally backmail us into a difficult position with other family and friends who had accepted the invitation and made childcare arrangements.

In this case- as the wedding was so important I'm a bit baffled as to why the OP's husband is working and not taken holiday anyway though. They could have stuck to the plan of a family break with Mum just taking a day away to attend the wedding whilst Dad and daughter had time together.