Weddings Abroad bit Presumptuous

FishHookPockets

Hello all, I bet this has been discussed by a few folks at some point.
One of my sisters has decided to get married abroad. She is marrying into a fairly comfortable family who will be bank rolling the event in terms of the couples arrangements and venue. Guest however must pay their own travel and board.
I myself am a family sole earner non home owner with some savings (not easy I have had to buy virtually everything we have 2nd hand)
I would not be able to save enough to attend in the time frame which leaves to credit cards or raiding my ISA. For my partner and kids to attend and to kennel out dog + spending money etc it will wipe out a fair percentage of my money (more than i have probably ever spent on a car). My other option is to attend alone which seems wrong especially as my sister is never apart from her fiancee.
To be honest I see little reason for marriage unless practicing a religion, I have been in a relationship for 20 years and we've never seen reason.
The ceremony is not on a beach or anywhere special it is in a hotel . They just don't want to be in the UK, which Is their choice as a wedding is all about the couple of course.
I have genuinely been having sleepless nights over it and feel as though a large bill has come through the post or I have to commit social suicide.
Am I a misery or is it unfair to presume people should attend ?

OrkneyStar

No you are not a misery. Often couples who marry abroad have some sort of get together once they are home, so tell them you'd love to come to something like that. The reality of life is that not everyone can afford to attend, or have, such an event, they will have to see that sooner or later! I personally do believe in marriage but I still wouldn't fork out for attending a wedding abroad either! Hope you can sort it out without too much hassle!

sulkisu

FishHookPockets wrote: »

Hello all, I bet this has been discussed by a few folks at some point.
One of my sisters has decided to get married abroad. She is marrying into a fairly comfortable family who will be bank rolling the event in terms of the couples arrangements and venue. Guest however must pay their own travel and board.
I myself am a family sole earner non home owner with some savings (not easy I have had to buy virtually everything we have 2nd hand)
I would not be able to save enough to attend in the time frame which leaves to credit cards or raiding my ISA. For my partner and kids to attend and to kennel out dog + spending money etc it will wipe out a fair percentage of my money (more than i have probably ever spent on a car). My other option is to attend alone which seems wrong especially as my sister is never apart from her fiancee.
To be honest I see little reason for marriage unless practicing a religion, I have been in a relationship for 20 years and we've never seen reason.
The ceremony is not on a beach or anywhere special it is in a hotel . They just don't want to be in the UK, which Is their choice as a wedding is all about the couple of course.
I have genuinely been having sleepless nights over it and feel as though a large bill has come through the post or I have to commit social suicide.
Am I a misery or is it unfair to presume people should attend ?

I see nothing wrong with going solo - the fact that your sister and her fiancee are always together is irrelevant.
However, you do have a third option - which is not to attend. I don't think you are being a misery. Not having family present is the risk you run when marrying abroad. Dont dramatise it - it is not 'social suicide' to miss a wedding.

Person_one

Don't feel you have to go, I wouldn't.

If a couple choose a wedding that is massively expensive and inconvenient for their guests to get to, they have to expect that their guests will just decline the invitation, however closely related they are.

If they really wanted you and your family there, they would have either had the wedding closer to home or offered to pay for you. Its incredibly egotistical for people to think their friends and family will be just delighted to shell out thousands of pounds and use up precious annual leave just to watch them sign a contract!

peachyprice

No, you're not a misery, it is very, very unfair for brides, grooms and their parents to presume that other family members will want to spend a small (or not so small) fortune going to a destination they would otherwise not have chosen for their holiday and spend money on that trip that they otherwise would not have spent.

Has your sister actually said she expects you to attend? There are some decent couples out there who really don't expect many people at all to go but send out invitations out of politeness.

Mojisola

FishHookPockets wrote: »

Am I a misery or is it unfair to presume people should attend ?

Yes, it's unfair of people to presume their relatives and friends will spend loads of money travelling abroad for their "special day".

If you going alone is financially manageable, do that. Why does it matter that your sister is never apart from her finance when she goes places?

If even that is beyond your means, tell your sister now and plan on having a little celebration with them when they come back.

newcook

Could you and your family book into a cheaper hotel and treat it as a family holiday at the same time?

One of my friends got married abroad a couple of years ago – while I could no way afford to have stayed in their hotel, I found an all inclusive deal for the same resort for a fraction of what my friends hotel would have cost.

browneyedbazzi

Has she presumed you will attend or are you putting the pressure on yourself?

I got married away from where my family live and I invited people from home but made it clear that while it would be lovely for them to be there, they were not under any pressure to attend and I would understand if finances/work/life meant they were not able to make the trip.

Your first step should be to discuss your situation with your sister.

Tixy

It is unfair to presume you will attend.

Most people planning a holiday abroad would be understanding and make it clear that whilst people were welcome they would understand if people couldn't come (be that for financial reasons or other reasons).

Could you have a word with your sister about the situation and say sadly you don't think you will be able to come. Or that you may be able to come but are not sure yet, and if you do it will be alone.
Perhaps ask her if they are planning a UK receptions/party/drinks event for people who are unable to attend the wedding as there will be others who won't be able to go.

Mojisola

browneyedbazzi wrote: »

Your first step should be to discuss your situation with your sister.

But if she goes all bridezilla on you, be prepared to stand your ground. Your family's financial security is more important than her wedding.

trolleyrun

The easiest and simplest solution would be to not go. Explain to the couple that it's unfortunately not financially viable for you at this time (or whichever way you can think of to break the news gently). Tell them you wish them a lovely wedding etc.

I find it's best to be honest in these situations. There's no way I'd put myself in debt to go to a wedding, no matter how close I was to the bride and groom.