How to say "No" to being a Bridesmaid, without ruining a friendship?

Cottage_Economy

WantToBeSE wrote: »

duchy- i absolutely DON'T think i am taking the 'moral highground'. If your friend was doing something that you thought would ultimately cause them heartache, would you be able to support that?

Yes I would. But then my friendships aren't based on them doing what I want or I withdraw my support.

You're being a bridesmaid to support your friend and if it doesn't work out she'll need you more than ever. If you're friend is happy with her choice, it's not for you to impose your tacit disagreement with it. Try putting her feelings before your own. Suck it up and be her bridesmaid.

You're what I would consider a fairweather friend. When it's going ok and you like it you're there, the minute it gets sticky and uncomfortable you're nowhere to be found.

balletshoes

Mojisola wrote: »

I don't think we need to know why she feels so strongly.

There wouldn't be much point in posters telling her she shouldn't feel so strongly about X, Y or Z. Something that wouldn't bother one person might really upset someone else.

If she does feel strongly enough to be uncomfortable about being a bridesmaid, she either tells her friend about her misgivings or finds some acceptable excuse so that she doesn't have to be a bridesmaid.

I think its that the replies the OP has made in the thread suggest to me that she's only just met the groom recently, and she doesn't have a concrete reason to hang her feeling that the marriage won't last on? If she did, as a good friend she should tell the bride, and not make an excuse instead.

Cottage_Economy

balletshoes wrote: »

I think its that the replies the OP has made in the thread suggest to me that she's only just met the groom recently, and she doesn't have a concrete reason to hang her feeling that the marriage won't last on? If she did, as a good friend she should tell the bride, and not make an excuse instead.

Quick marriages are not the portent for disaster that everyone thinks they are.
There are plenty of people on this forum who married very quickly and are together donkey's years later (and yes I realise there are some that aren't!)

I hope the OP changes her mind and supports her friend, otherwise she may not have much of a friendship otherwise.

Mojisola

Cottage_Economy wrote: »

Yes I would. But then my friendships aren't based on them doing what I want or I withdraw my support.

You're being a bridesmaid to support your friend and if it doesn't work out she'll need you more than ever. If you're friend is happy with her choice, it's not for you to impose your tacit disagreement with it. Try putting her feelings before your own. Suck it up and be her bridesmaid.

You're what I would consider a fairweather friend. When it's going ok and you like it you're there, the minute it gets sticky and uncomfortable you're nowhere to be found.

So you'd rather be a hypocrite and pretend to your friend that everything's lovely?

I think a bride has the right to expect genuine enthusiasm and support from a bridesmaid. If I couldn't offer that, I'd rather she found someone who could.

claire16c

Just go and be the bridesmaid.

All you need to do is stuff like help the bride with her dress, help arrange a hen do and pose in some photos.

Ive been a bridesmaid a couple of times and what I thought about the couples relationship didnt come into it. It was all about helping with wedding stuff!

Cottage_Economy

Mojisola wrote: »

So you'd rather be a hypocrite and pretend to your friend that everything's lovely?

I think a bride has the right to expect genuine enthusiasm and support from a bridesmaid. If I couldn't offer that, I'd rather she found someone who could.

Your definition of hypocrite is vastly different to mine. I would keep my mouth shut because I do not have the same intimate level of knowledge about the situation or the man involved that she would do. I would trust my friend to do what she feels is right at the time for her future regardless of how I feel. My feelings don't come into the matter.

All that matters is hers and I will be a bloody zebedeee, even if I have to overcome my reticence to do so, to ensure her day is a good one and I'm there for her.

There's way too much me, me, me in the world today. Keeping quiet and putting someone else's feelings before their own would do a lot of people a great deal of good.

Unfortunately, thanks to social media there are too many people desperate to 'comment' and 'like'. The art of knowing when to keep one's trap shut is dying out. As is the ability to back your friend's play.

WantToBeSE

Thanks for all of the opinions, whether or not they were 'nice', i dont expect everyone (or maybe anyone in this case ) to see my point of view, especially with limited information.

I was just thinking out loud really. I am not a nasty person, a 'fair weather friend' or any of the horrid things i have been called on this thread, i am just concerned about my friend. She has been through such a lot in the 9 years we have known each other, i'd hate for her to get hurt again.

But, as you all said, it's not my business. I'll go, smile and pretend that it's all fine. Like I said, i really hope i am proved wrong.

duchy

WantToBeSE wrote: »

duchy- i absolutely DON'T think i am taking the 'moral highground'. If your friend was doing something that you thought would ultimately cause them heartache, would you be able to support that?

I dont feel that i can.

Like i said, i really hope that i am proved wrong, but i believe they are marrying for the wrong reasons.

I have just erased a long explaination of why i dont think they are marrying for the 'right' reasons, but really it's not my place to say what is right or wrong.

Well 24 people liked my post and several people have replied to your response to it......

Honestly - I think you are coming over as a control freak
She is your FRIEND- you either support her or you keep your mouth shut .
You are not forthcoming in your reasons so presumably you've just decided he's not suitable based on your own feelings and prejudices rather than anything he's actually done . As you say -it's not your place to say if the marriage is right or wrong so enough with the passive aggressive approach . Either tell her now that you can't be her bridesmaid -simple excuse would be that you feel as you have kids the brides"maid" bit isn't appropriate -or tell her you want to be with your kids and can't give her the attention she deserves .....just give her lots of notice ...........or stop with the judgements and show a bit of respect for her choices and be glad for her and supportive. Not sure why you are so convinced she is making a bad choice -are you sure you're not just a bit jealous ?

If the situation was reversed and you were planning your wedding and she was less than enthusiastic-how would you feel ?

Cottage_Economy

WantToBeSE wrote: »

I'll go, smile and pretend that it's all fine. Like I said, i really hope i am proved wrong.

As a bridesmaid or normal guest?

Georgiegirl256

Mojisola wrote: »

I don't think we need to know why she feels so strongly.

There wouldn't be much point in posters telling her she shouldn't feel so strongly about X, Y or Z. Something that wouldn't bother one person might really upset someone else.

If she does feel strongly enough to be uncomfortable about being a bridesmaid, she either tells her friend about her misgivings or finds some acceptable excuse so that she doesn't have to be a bridesmaid.

Possibly not, but it would enable people to be able to offer some better advise than we were able to. I don't really understand why people start these threads with (as the OP has admitted herself) "limited information".

If for instance he was a total sleezeball who was screwing around behind the friends back, then it would be easier to see where the OP was coming from. As it is, it could be something as simple as she just gets that feeling about him that it's not gong to work, and that really is no adequate reason to not be her friends bridesmaid....it's not up to her to decide wether the marriage will fail or not.