How to say "No" to being a Bridesmaid, without ruining a friendship?

Pollycat

Yes, I agree - I'm assuming that the OP has very valid reasons (but can't imagine what they are) for believing so vehemently that this marriage will not work that she is considering refusing to be a bridesmaid and possibly not even going to the wedding (she says in her first post 'don't think i can be part of the wedding as i don't believe it will work out.'

duchy

I find it a bit odd that if the OP is such a close friend -she's only recently met the groom.

Mojisola

WantToBeSE wrote: »

As per the title really. I recently met the person that my friend is marrying and don't think i can be part of the wedding as i don't believe it will work out.

Is it even possible to say "No" and keep the friendship intact?

Artytarty wrote: »

My friend told me she did not want to be my bridesmaid after I asked her.
I will admit that it stung a bit but we are as close as ever after nearly thirty years.
Her reason was that she wanted to be able to fully enjoy herself at the wedding and reception and not be "on duty" or under close observation!
I understood as she is the life and soul of the party type and does not like to stand on ceremnoy.
Perhaps you could say something like that?
So, sorry for long reply but I vote that you still support your friend even if you think she is wrong.

WantToBeSE - if you can find a valid reason like Arty's friend, you could go down that route.

I'm going to go against the consensus and say I couldn't be a bridesmaid if I really thought a friend was making a mistake. I couldn't go do things like dress shopping and so on with genuine enthusiasm and think my reservations would "leak" through. If she was a really good friend, she would pick up that something was wrong with me which could damage the friendship anyway.

balletshoes

Mojisola wrote: »

WantToBeSE - if you can find a valid reason like Arty's friend, you could go down that route.

I'm going to go against the consensus and say I couldn't be a bridesmaid if I really thought a friend was making a mistake. I couldn't go do things like dress shopping and so on with genuine enthusiasm and think my reservations would "leak" through. If she was a really good friend, she would pick up that something was wrong with me which could damage the friendship anyway.

okay, but in what circumstances would you be thinking that your friend was making a mistake? As I've already said, people get married for all sorts of reasons, if its just a feeling that it may not work out, surely thats no reason at all to not support your adult friend in her choice?

Mojisola

balletshoes wrote: »

okay, but in what circumstances would you be thinking that your friend was making a mistake? As I've already said, people get married for all sorts of reasons, if its just a feeling that it may not work out, surely thats no reason at all to not support your adult friend in her choice?

It's got to be a pretty strong feeling for the OP to start a thread about it. If it was just something vague, it wouldn't be an issue.

paulineb_2

Its possible it could have been a very quick decision to marry and that might not go down well with some friends. Could be any number of reasons, money issues, someone cheating, someone trying to make a pass at another friend, violence, lots of reasons why someone might think a future husband isnt suitable. Not saying that is the reason, but there are many people who get together and friends/family dont approve.

I also think it doesnt really help anyone on here answering the thread when we dont know what the misgivings actually are. It could be something minor or something serious.

Georgiegirl256

Mojisola wrote: »

It's got to be a pretty strong feeling for the OP to start a thread about it. If it was just something vague, it wouldn't be an issue.

It would be interesting to know the reasoning behind it. Maybe then people could try and understand why the OP feels so strongly about it. Without this information, we can't really advise properly as it just comes across (to me anyhow) that she just isn't very keen on this guy.

balletshoes

Mojisola wrote: »

It's got to be a pretty strong feeling for the OP to start a thread about it. If it was just something vague, it wouldn't be an issue.

As we don't know (as the OP hasn't told us why she thinks it won't work out, or why she thinks they are marrying for the wrong reasons) we can only go with how we would deal with it.

I'm firmly of the opinion that she should support her friend in her choice, unless she knows something the bride doesn't, in which case she should tell the bride.

And what are the "wrong" reasons for marriage to the OP - see to me thats irrelevant to the bride and groom, they are the ones getting married for their reasons, its not for the OP or anyone else to judge that, in my opinion.

Pollycat

paulineb wrote: »

Its possible it could have been a very quick decision to marry and that might not go down well with some friends. Could be any number of reasons, money issues, someone cheating, someone trying to make a pass at another friend, violence, lots of reasons why someone might think a future husband isnt suitable. Not saying that is the reason, but there are many people who get together and friends/family dont approve.

I also think it doesnt really help anyone on here answering the thread when we dont know what the misgivings actually are. It could be something minor or something serious.

I agree with this.

From the very limited information the OP has provided - and without knowing what her objection to this man is and the actual relationship with her friend and her friend's personality - it's impossible to answer this question:

WantToBeSE wrote: »

Is it even possible to say "No" and keep the friendship intact?

I do get the feeling that the OP won't come back and update this thread.

Mojisola

Georgiegirl256 wrote: »

It would be interesting to know the reasoning behind it. Maybe then people could try and understand why the OP feels so strongly about it. Without this information, we can't really advise properly as it just comes across (to me anyhow) that she just isn't very keen on this guy.

I don't think we need to know why she feels so strongly.

There wouldn't be much point in posters telling her she shouldn't feel so strongly about X, Y or Z. Something that wouldn't bother one person might really upset someone else.

If she does feel strongly enough to be uncomfortable about being a bridesmaid, she either tells her friend about her misgivings or finds some acceptable excuse so that she doesn't have to be a bridesmaid.