How to say "No" to being a Bridesmaid, without ruining a friendship?

bylromarha

If my friend asked me to be bridesmaid, we'd have already sat down with a glass of wine and had a conversation soon after the engagement about my concerns about the relationship.

Not a "I think x,y and z", more of a "how do you see x working out long term?" If a friend is close enough to be a bridesmaid, I'd want them to be asking tough questions of me rather than allow me to go headlong into a marriage without loving me enough to check I've processed the relationship.

Get a bottle of red OP, sit down with your mate and air your concerns in a loving non judgemental way. I hope you are surprised by what you hear.

FWIW - a friend came and told me how she had concerns over my marriage to OH. I listened to her concerns, said thank you for them, then laughed them off. As she didn't know my OH well, she took his dead pan humour for seriousness and was all worried how OH didn't seem ready for marriage...OH and I still laugh about it 14 years on!

balletshoes

claire16c wrote: »

Just go and be the bridesmaid.

All you need to do is stuff like help the bride with her dress, help arrange a hen do and pose in some photos.

Ive been a bridesmaid a couple of times and what I thought about the couples relationship didnt come into it. It was all about helping with wedding stuff!

yep, i agree completely with this, I thought that was the deal with being a bridesmaid too, full stop.

Morglin

WantToBeSE wrote: »

As per the title really. I recently met the person that my friend is marrying and don't think i can be part of the wedding as i don't believe it will work out.

Is it even possible to say "No" and keep the friendship intact?

Years ago, I said no to a friend (not my sort of thing), and we are still mates, 40 years on.:)

No bride wants a reluctant bridesmaid, so just be honest with her.

Lin

Billie-S

WantToBeSE wrote: »

Thanks for all of the opinions, whether or not they were 'nice', i dont expect everyone (or maybe anyone in this case ) to see my point of view, especially with limited information.

I was just thinking out loud really. I am not a nasty person, a 'fair weather friend' or any of the horrid things i have been called on this thread, i am just concerned about my friend. She has been through such a lot in the 9 years we have known each other, i'd hate for her to get hurt again.

But, as you all said, it's not my business. I'll go, smile and pretend that it's all fine. Like I said, i really hope i am proved wrong.

But what has the guy done to make you feel that he is not good enough for your friend?

And how come you have only just met him if he is your best mate's fella?

You've kind of come here asking for advice, but have only given half a story. Could we have more info?

I would say no, and just say (as someone said earlier in the thread,) that you simply don't want the responsibility and would just rather be a guest, able to relax and all that. Unless it is something very very serious, there's no need to say anything.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

I know somebody whose best mate cried as he was putting on his suit to be his best man, because he was certain it was going to end in disaster.

It did.

But the groom knows that his best mate was there for him, to support him with what he wanted to do, even if he didn't agree with the decision.

In the same way, my mother refused to attend my sister's wedding (and wouldn't allow the siblings to attend without her) because she didn't approve. That marriage has lasted longer than any other - including my mother's. My sister still gets near to tears just at the thought of the pain and embarassment she caused her, including not knowing what to say when BIL's family asked innocently where the family was (my granddad and nan went anyway, because they recognised it would make her happy).


Going, being supportive and making your friend happy on their special day is more important. So well done for putting her feelings first.

Billie-S

Jojo_the_Tightfisted wrote: »

I know somebody whose best mate cried as he was putting on his suit to be his best man, because he was certain it was going to end in disaster.

It did.

But the groom knows that his best mate was there for him, to support him with what he wanted to do, even if he didn't agree with the decision.

In the same way, my mother refused to attend my sister's wedding (and wouldn't allow the siblings to attend without her) because she didn't approve. That marriage has lasted longer than any other - including my mother's. My sister still gets near to tears just at the thought of the pain and embarassment she caused her, including not knowing what to say when BIL's family asked innocently where the family was (my granddad and nan went anyway, because they recognised it would make her happy).

That's incredibly sad, and no offence, but rather cruel of your mother. Your poor sister. What was it about your sister's OH that your mother didn't approve of? Good for your grandparents though.

My mother wasn't fond of my husband when we first met, as he wasn't a 'yes man' and didn't take any s**t from anyone. Most people pu$$yfooted around my mother, as she was a mardy cow half the time, and was sometimes hard to please. LOL. However, she did come to the wedding. She warmed to him eventually when she realised he loved me and took care of me, and what a good dad he was.

ska_lover

Hi OP,

I haven't been in on this thread from the start, but I think you are right to go (and obviously keep your opinions to yourself re the groom). Just be happy for your friend.

If you have only just met him, I cannot imagine what he has done to give you the impression that he is in some way a 'wrong un' but obviously only you know the reasons for your doubts that things will work out, but best thing you can do IMO is be a Bridesmaid, show her your support, and then if you are unfortunately proved right and it doesn't work out, be there for her again.

I would suggest you never tell your friend your true feelings, IMO it will cost you your friendship. He is the man she wants to marry.

ska_lover

bylromarha wrote: »

.

Get a bottle of red OP, sit down with your mate and air your concerns in a loving non judgemental way. I hope you are surprised by what you hear.

FWIW - a friend came and told me how she had concerns over my marriage to OH. I listened to her concerns, said thank you for them, then laughed them off. As she didn't know my OH well, she took his dead pan humour for seriousness and was all worried how OH didn't seem ready for marriage...OH and I still laugh about it 14 years on!

I love your idea, don't get me wrong, but I just do not see how this can be put across in a 'non judgemental' way.

The OP doesn't know the groom to be very well either by sounds of it, so hopefully she has read him wrong, and things will work out same as you

squirrelchops

I was in this position.

I felt really strongly that she was making a mistake. I calmly shared my reservations (as did the best man) and explained why I did not feel it was honest, in light of this to be a bridesmaid.

To this day by friend thanks me for being the only one who was honest. The marriage broke down after a relatively short time and she discovered he was a compulsive liar - things I had been worried about.

I never said 'i told you so' but just hope I would have someone be honest with me if they really though I was making the biggest mistake of my life.

Tiglath

DaveTheMus wrote: »

If you count your friends wedding that you're not going to but will ultimately fail that will be 3 refusals....3 divorces

wow

you're a marriage assassin!

Huh? Are you mixing me up with someone else? I don't have a friend that's getting married.