How to say "No" to being a Bridesmaid, without ruining a friendship?

Carl31

I was best man at a wedding even when I knew the bride was a cheating !!!!!

I no longer speak to the groom, due to the cheating wife's antics, but hey ho

bylromarha

ska_lover wrote: »

I love your idea, don't get me wrong, but I just do not see how this can be put across in a 'non judgemental' way.

You can do non judgemental chats quite easily.

It's using phrases like..."how do you see...?" "So what would you do if...?" "Have you had a chat about...?" "How do you find it when..."

Getting the other person to consider all angles for themselves is the best way to have these chats. Sometimes people thinking out loud and being challenged by a friend with further probing questions when they say something helps clarify what they really think.

Far better than "I think that.." chats as that immediately puts the hackles up in the hearer and stops them listening to what you're actually trying to help them think through.

Like I said - I hope a probing loving non judgemental chat will help this friendship deepen even further and put the OPs mind at rest.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

Billie-S wrote: »

That's incredibly sad, and no offence, but rather cruel of your mother. Your poor sister. What was it about your sister's OH that your mother didn't approve of? Good for your grandparents

Her plan for my sister was that she would go out to work (wasn't allowed to stay at grammar school past 16 because it was getting ideas above her station), buy her the council house and support her and the rest of us. My sister wanting a life of her own wasn't in the plan, especially one that included a husband whom, despite only being young himself, was a) Catholic b) from Irish parents and c) was smart and could see straight through her poor little girl act.



My mother's not the type of person to sort her own life out, she's always preferred to flutter her eyelashes and get somebody else to do it - and if that fails, blackmail, coercion, shouts and physical violence.

Fortunately, nobody ever has (or ever will) like me enough to ask me to marry them, so she's only had the opportunity to ruin one wedding.
So no offence taken. And yes, I agree it was incredibly spiteful.

bylromarha

Jojo_the_Tightfisted wrote: »

Her plan for my sister was that she would go out to work (wasn't allowed to stay at grammar school past 16 because it was getting ideas above her station)

My mum had to leave grammar school early too, to look after my cousins.

And so many people talk about the halcyon days of the 60s...

Rottensocks

WantToBeSE wrote: »

Thanks for the replies. I just don't think i can support them and although i may be wrong (i hope to be proved wrong in time), i just cant do it.
I could make up a convincing excuse (nobody to watch my kids etc) i don't want to lie to my friend.

I can understand what you're saying about it being an unsuitable match...but also it does seem very rigid and unbending to refuse to play this role for your friend, when she has honoured your friendship by asking you.

If you disapprove so much, surely it is cowardly to then refuse to tell your friend the real reason for your refusal? I think the option you are selecting (refuse, but slink away quietly) is the worst of the options, because it is, well, it seems so passive aggressive - "I won't do it, but I won't tell you the real reason why".

You say you hope to be wrong about your prediction for the future... I would say then that your options are:

A; Say yes. Weddings are , after all, events full of hope, so you can add your hope for them as a couple to the mix. In your privilieged position as confidante and bridesmaid, you can always ask your friend if she is 100% certain.

B; Say no, but be honest about why, and accept that your judgements about other people's decisions could be toxic to friendship.


I would also urge that you have a proper reflect upon why you feel it necessary to exercise your opinion and moral judgement in this way.

You know, you see plenty of unsuitable partnerships these days...What do others say about this marriage - it it universally believed to be a Bad Idea, or are you a lone dissenter??

Billie-S

Jojo_the_Tightfisted wrote: »

Her plan for my sister was that she would go out to work (wasn't allowed to stay at grammar school past 16 because it was getting ideas above her station), buy her the council house and support her and the rest of us. My sister wanting a life of her own wasn't in the plan, especially one that included a husband whom, despite only being young himself, was a) Catholic b) from Irish parents and c) was smart and could see straight through her poor little girl act.

My mother's not the type of person to sort her own life out, she's always preferred to flutter her eyelashes and get somebody else to do it - and if that fails, blackmail, coercion, shouts and physical violence.

Fortunately, nobody ever has (or ever will) like me enough to ask me to marry them, so she's only had the opportunity to ruin one wedding.
So no offence taken. And yes, I agree it was incredibly spiteful.

I don't even know you, but this made me want to cry Please don't think or feel that way. Was it your mother being like she is that made you feel this way? Everyone is worthy and loveable and deserves someone special to take care of them.

I actually thought that I'd never find anyone, as I had extended family and people I knew at school etc who undermined me and belittled me, and generally took the p1$$ out of me (long story,) and some people thought it was hilarious when I got a boyfriend. But I met my now husband in my mid 20s, and we're still together after more than 25 years.

The reason that there's been nobody for you yet, is that nobody has been good enough yet

twigpig

I'll probably get shot down but I can only give my opinion and I know some people will see things differently.....

If she's your friend, then be there for her and say yes.

Friends don't need rely on friends to tell them who they should be with or how they should live their lives. I'm sure you would also agree that your choices are your own and as much as anyone might share their views, choices in your life are yours and yours alone.

You should simply be her friend, regardless of any choices she makes and you disagree with. If indeed things end badly, she'll need her friend who has been there through good times and bad.......

If you can't do that, then you simply can't save the friendship....sorry

Edited to note, I've read your repy saying you'll go. This is the best thing you could do for your friend and if you are right, she will need you in the future. This is what friends do

Pollycat

THe OP has updated this thread to say this:

WantToBeSE wrote: »

Thanks for all of the opinions, whether or not they were 'nice', i dont expect everyone (or maybe anyone in this case ) to see my point of view, especially with limited information.

I was just thinking out loud really. I am not a nasty person, a 'fair weather friend' or any of the horrid things i have been called on this thread, i am just concerned about my friend. She has been through such a lot in the 9 years we have known each other, i'd hate for her to get hurt again.

But, as you all said, it's not my business. I'll go, smile and pretend that it's all fine. Like I said, i really hope i am proved wrong.

Not clear if she's decided just to go to the wedding or be a bridesmaid.

I hope the OP is proved wrong too and this marriage works out.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

Billie-S wrote: »

I don't even know you, but this made me want to cry Please don't think or feel that way. Was it your mother being like she is that made you feel this way? Everyone is worthy and loveable and deserves someone special to take care of them.

I actually thought that I'd never find anyone, as I had extended family and people I knew at school etc who undermined me and belittled me, and generally took the p1$$ out of me (long story,) and some people thought it was hilarious when I got a boyfriend. But I met my now husband in my mid 20s, and we're still together after more than 25 years.

The reason that there's been nobody for you yet, is that nobody has been good enough yet

Aww, you are so sweet - thank you!

(And yes, you're right, I expect it was her ultimately that led to me making some spectacularly poor choices/decisions on that basis. Everybody seems nice/good enough when you start from a rubbish place - but the odds of marriage seem pretty unlikely - I'm chuffed that ten people came out to the pub/37 Facebook posts were made today to say happy birthday - that's as near as being treated like royalty as I've ever had before )

downshifted

Jojo_the_Tightfisted wrote: »

Aww, you are so sweet - thank you!

(And yes, you're right, I expect it was her ultimately that led to me making some spectacularly poor choices/decisions on that basis. Everybody seems nice/good enough when you start from a rubbish place - but the odds of marriage seem pretty unlikely - I'm chuffed that ten people came out to the pub/37 Facebook posts were made today to say happy birthday - that's as near as being treated like royalty as I've ever had before )

Happy Birthday Jojo the Tightfisted :-):beer::j:beer: