How to say "No" to being a Bridesmaid, without ruining a friendship?

Georgiegirl256

Pollycat wrote: »

The OP says she 'recently met' this bloke so it's hard for most of us posting on this thread to imagine what she could possibly have against him.

I think if we knew what it was, we could perhaps understand a little better but unless it's something serious such as a crime committed or some history between him and another woman, it's not really for the OP to decide whether this marriage will work or not.

TBH, if I'd asked my friend to be a bridesmaid and found out this was going through her mind, I'd be horrified and upset - and I'd be questioning just how good a friend she really was to me.

Yes, exactly. I mean, there's plenty of people that as soon as I met them (male and female), I took a dislike to them, it's only natural, you judge someone within the first however many seconds. It would be nice to know exactly what the OP has against him. Like I said before, if it's a simple case of just not liking him, then that to me isn't grounds enough to decline the invitation to be a bridesmaid.

Okydoky25

If you were my chosen bridesmaid and this was your reason for not wishing to be my bridesmaid I would prefer it if you didn't come as a guest either. To attend a wedding with as a guest or in the wedding party it is there to celebrate the marriage nothing else.

Delree

Tell her the truth about why you're declining so that she can end the friendship. She needs to know what a poor friend who won't come through for her you are. It will be awkward and it will hurt but she'll get over it and you will have done her a favour.

ash28

I got married in 1975 against everyone's advice, too young, hadn't known each other long enough (7 months), didn't like him, had nothing behind us, he would never amount to anything etc. You name it and it was said....and that was from both families and from some of our friends. I didn't lose any friends over it - everyone was singing from the same hymn sheet.....

Here we are 39 years and 3 children and 6 grandchildren later, still together and still happy. And as for not amounting to anything, he confounded them all by working like a trojan, studying hard and ending up in a career that paid an almost 6 figure salary by the time he took early retirement a couple of years ago.

My brother got married in 1978...he was 18, she was 17 and the same things were said to them....still together and still happy.

Don't judge......let your friend enjoy her day and you could always enjoy it with her - if you can get off your moral high horse for long enough.

ostrichnomore_2

Hi OP, I've been in this position of 'knowing' a friend's marriage was going to be a disaster (along with all our other friends - the woman was a nutcase) and sadly we were proved right. We all supported our friend though, went to the wedding, and crossed our fingers we would be wrong.
What worries me a little bit about your reaction is, what can it be based on? You clearly don't actually know this man, so you can't be judging him as an individual, unless he did something so awful at the time that you can't get over (grabbed your tits when her back was turned, or something). Even if we personally dislike someone - we don't usually start to believe that therefore our friends shouldn't be with them. Sometimes people just don't hit it off, but in a group of friends you put up with the odd one or two you wouldn't otherwise socialise with. Our disliking someone a bit doesn't make us think their marriage to a friend will be a disaster.

So - is it not really him so much as something about their situation? Some people have quite fixed ideas about who should be in a relationship and who shouldn't, based on stereotypes. Is there a big age gap? Is it a mixed race relationship? Are they from very different backgrounds/classes? Are they different religions? If your feelings are coming from something like this, then you need to recognise that they are nothing to do with the couple or this man or their marriage, but your own prejudices.

Artytarty

My friend told me she did not want to be my bridesmaid after I asked her.
I will admit that it stung a bit but we are as close as ever after nearly thirty years.
Her reason was that she wanted to be able to fully enjoy herself at the wedding and reception and not be "on duty" or under close observation!
I understood as she is the life and soul of the party type and does not like to stand on ceremnoy.
Perhaps you could say something like that?
I was her bridesmaid a few years later and it didn't work out for the,
She remarried a couple of years a go and Asa. Mature woman she did not want a bridesmaid and all the trimmings but I was there with her lippy and comb etc in my handbag and to keep a close eye on things.
I will admit that second time around I did have my doubts about her choice. I agonised for ages about whether I owed it to her to share my misgivings but she is a grown woman with her own mind and it's her marriage, not mine so I kept schtum.
I reckon she was right as they seem very content to gether.
So, sorry for long reply but I vote that you still support your friend even if you think she is wrong.

FBaby

And what if it turns out she was right and they have a crap one? Will the OP feel smugly justified in her decision to stay away? See! I told you it would never last! All those people wondering where I was when she got married? That's right. I was sat at home refusing to attend knowing full well how things would turn out. Aren't I the clever one?

I good friend should never feel smuggly about having been right about something that ultimately ends up with the friend being very much upset and hurt. I have been in both position, sometimes right sometimes wrong, I would never tell later either way because it is arrogant and unecessary in both instances.

I think OP should go and hope for the best, see this day as maybe getting to know him better and feeling more confident that she might be wrong. If one day the marriage fails, she can be there for her friend without having to say 'I wish I'd told you that I thought at the time you shouldn't have gone with the wedding'.

seven-day-weekend

We have supported a friend twice at each of his marriages even though we had misgivings,(large age gap each time); at the second one my husband was best man.

The first marriage went the way we all thought it would, but he seems very happily married this time around. Hope it continues.

The point is, we supported him despite our misgivings.

Pollycat

Artytarty wrote: »

My friend told me she did not want to be my bridesmaid after I asked her.
I will admit that it stung a bit but we are as close as ever after nearly thirty years.
Her reason was that she wanted to be able to fully enjoy herself at the wedding and reception and not be "on duty" or under close observation!
I understood as she is the life and soul of the party type and does not like to stand on ceremnoy.
Perhaps you could say something like that?

I personally don't think the OP should lie about her reason for not being a bridesmaid or even not going to the wedding.

I think your situation was different - I'm assuming your friend was telling the truth about her reason for not wanting to be your bridesmaid.

I think if the OP has reservations about this marriage she should have the courage of her convictions and tell her friend the truth.

balletshoes

Pollycat wrote: »

I personally don't think the OP should lie about her reason for not being a bridesmaid or even not going to the wedding.

I think your situation was different - I'm assuming your friend was telling the truth about her reason for not wanting to be your bridesmaid.

I think if the OP has reservations about this marriage she should have the courage of her convictions and tell her friend the truth.

I still think it depends what her misgivings are, and what they are based on.