How to say "No" to being a Bridesmaid, without ruining a friendship?

FBaby

It's a difficult one. On one hand, you should feel forced to do something you don't want to do, on the other, if you are a good friend to her, you should be there by her side on her special day... and there for her if/when things go wrong.

How would you feel if you decline, it ruins the friendship and it turns out you were wrong and they have a great marriage?

One of my best friend got together with the father of her son after he treated her appaulingly. I was shocked that she gave him another chance at the relationship and moved in with him, on the basis of having a child together, which for me were all the wrong reasons. I was certain it would end up badly, but as it is, I was totally wrong. They somehow managed to make it work well. 5 years later and they have a respectful and peaceful relationship.

fluffnutter

seven-day-weekend wrote: »

You could even say that you are not sure she is doing the right thing, but will be there for her regardless.

Yeah, that will go down well. The polite response to 'I'm getting married' is 'Congratulations!' not 'You're doing the wrong thing but I'll be there for you regardless'. How rude!

fluffnutter

FBaby wrote: »

How would you feel if you decline, it ruins the friendship and it turns out you were wrong and they have a great marriage?

And what if it turns out she was right and they have a crap one? Will the OP feel smugly justified in her decision to stay away? See! I told you it would never last! All those people wondering where I was when she got married? That's right. I was sat at home refusing to attend knowing full well how things would turn out. Aren't I the clever one?

Either way it's not exactly covering yourself in glory. I find all that faux morality a bit distasteful. That 'I've got to be true to myself. I can't bring myself to attend something I don't think will work. Blah blah'. Actually, it's not about you. It's about someone who's decided to get married and wants to enjoy the day with her loved ones by her. Lose the ego and be a good friend.

seven-day-weekend

fluffnutter wrote: »

If my friend said this to me shortly before I was due to marry I'd be really narked frankly. It's patronising, rude and intrusive. Why do people think they've got a right to go round passing judgement on their friends' choices of partner? And even worse, telling them!

I only suggested it as an alternative to lying and staying away. I'm not recommending it.

Pollycat

WantToBeSE wrote: »

As per the title really. I recently met the person that my friend is marrying and don't think i can be part of the wedding as i don't believe it will work out.

Is it even possible to say "No" and keep the friendship intact?

In being a bridesmaid, aren't you supposed to be supporting/helping your friend on her 'big day' rather than making a decision - based on a recent meeting with her husband-to-be - on their future life together?

Seanymph

WantToBeSE wrote: »

duchy- i absolutely DON'T think i am taking the 'moral highground'. If your friend was doing something that you thought would ultimately cause them heartache, would you be able to support that?

.

Yes, because I'm not their mother, they are an adult - and if they have to walk that path to learn that thing then as a friend I'll toddle along it with them to help them if I can.

You should go, a true friend would be there on the day, and the day after, and the day after.

Georgiegirl256

OP, how many times have you met your friends OH? It's just it sounds to me (from the original post), that you've only met him once, maybe twice?

What grounds do you have in thinking it won't work out? Do you know something that you're not letting on?

If you know something really bad that your friend should know, then tell her. If you just took a dislike to him, then that's a stupid reason to not want to be her bridesmaid. She obviously thinks he's great or she wouldn't want to be marrying him, it's not your decision to make in thinking the marriage won't work out, and you know what, you possibly could be right....and you might not be, who knows?

Unless you have some cast iron evidence that this man is a total ar*e, then just support your friend, stick on that fancy dress, and keep your mouth shut.

thorsoak

WantToBeSE wrote: »

duchy- i absolutely DON'T think i am taking the 'moral highground'. If your friend was doing something that you thought would ultimately cause them heartache, would you be able to support that?

I dont feel that i can.

Like i said, i really hope that i am proved wrong, but i believe they are marrying for the wrong reasons.

I have just erased a long explaation of why i dont think they are marrying for the 'right' reasons, but really it's not my place to say what is right or wrong.

If you feel it's not your place to say what is right or wrong - why should you take the moral high ground and say they are marrying for the wrong reasons? You are judging them - and that's not your place.

You either support your friend as her bridesmaid, smile and keep your mouth shut - or you tell her that you don't think it will work and risk losing your friend.

Unless you have real grounds for thinking this - did her OH have a fling with you/dump you/treated you badly - your opinions are your own and should not be voiced openly.

Pollycat

Georgiegirl256 wrote: »

OP, how many times have you met your friends OH? It's just it sounds to me (from the original post), that you've only met him once, maybe twice?

What grounds do you have in thinking it won't work out? Do you know something that you're not letting on?

The OP says she 'recently met' this bloke so it's hard for most of us posting on this thread to imagine what she could possibly have against him.

I think if we knew what it was, we could perhaps understand a little better but unless it's something serious such as a crime committed or some history between him and another woman, it's not really for the OP to decide whether this marriage will work or not.

TBH, if I'd asked my friend to be a bridesmaid and found out this was going through her mind, I'd be horrified and upset - and I'd be questioning just how good a friend she really was to me.

sassyblue

There would have to be a serious problem before l would ignore a friends request to be her bridesmaid. I've been a bridesmaid at a wedding l knew wouldn't last but l knew the bride wouldn't listen to any warnings, and she'd had a few.

You're there to support your friend, and if that means through the marriage and divorce as happened in my case, so be it. People have to make their own mistakes.