Hubby's family think I'm nuts!

paulineb_2

Oh and trying to make you believe you are mad and that your version of events is wrong, gaslighting at its worst.

marisco_2

FBaby wrote: »

This as a one off event is not really significant. He was drunk, probably went a bit overboard with the girl, but most likely nothing more than a drunk man acting stupid, not realising that it's one thing to act like this with an adult, another with a 15yo.

He was sober enough to be aware of the time, making a beeline for a minor at midnight to give her a lingering New Year kiss, and then follow her around like a lost puppy.

That this 15 year old child chose to try and walk in on a grown man whilst he was showering, shows that she was aware he had feelings for her and wanted to pursue him. Not something you can convey to someone if you are paraletic.

I have always thought of the 'I was drunk' excuse as a total cop out for people to do what they know they shouldn't be.

tinkerfairy

Elaine434 wrote: »

I also agree that I need to have a serious talk with my husband, although I'm in the dog house with everyone at the moment so not sure how easy that will be

You need a very serious talk it's him, him all over another woman and kissing hr at midnight and not you is wrong but it's even worse as she is a child. I would be very worried and wouldn't not want him around her again.

tinkerfairy

Elaine434 wrote: »

The problem is, I'm starting to question if I am reading to much into it, am I seeing things that are not there because I wouldn't trust him as far as I could throw him.

I question everything I say and do now, tbh, I think I probably am a bit paranoid. But with him, every time you find out a little thing, it snowballs until you find out the behaviour you have found or seen is the tip of the iceberg.

No you are not being paranoid, he should be kissing you not a child. Giving her alcohol aswell is wrong,was he waiting in you too? Her following him to the toilet and attempting to go into the bathroom when he's in the shower, no your not being paranoid.

tinkerfairy

emmy05 wrote: »

the family only think youre nuts, cos they dont want you to report him for messin around with a 15yr old girl!!
really?? i wouldnt want anythin to do with my husband if thats his enjoyment of fun, get a grip woman! you have children! what if this was your child??

If not her child, what about when they are teenagers and bring friends / girlfriends home? I wouldn't feel comfortable with that knowing he is attracted to under age girls.

tinkerfairy

marisco wrote: »

Your husband is 34 and was behaving extremely inappropriately with an under age girl. Fawning over her, plying her with alcohol against the express wishes of those responsible for her and then being very suggestive in the way he kissed her. If those actions wouldn't send a strong and dangerous message, to an impressionable unworldly young girl I don't know what would! That basically boils down to him grooming her. That her foster parents most likely witnessed this and did nothing about it is also very concerning.

As soon as you raised totally valid concerns with him about this he twisted things and publicly made you look like the bad guy. Deflecting all his failings and faults onto you. He is quite the manipulator isn't he. You caught him out and questioned him and this is how he reacts.

It would seem that he has knocked your confidence hugely, and that he has a level of control over you, in as much as you are on here asking how you could have handled things better. As far as I can see you did everything right in asking him what he thought he was doing. How you proceed from here is your decision. Personally I could not be with someone who carried on in such a disgusting way. I would not be able to place any trust again. It would also not sit well with me to ignore what a risk he is to children. Personally I would report him to the police and see what they made of it all.

He turned it on her because he was guilty, I have seen this happen many times and I agree he is grooming her.

System

Its wrong for a grown man to flirt with a school age girl. Especially a girl with obvious special needs (if you can call being fostered a special need)..... As if they aren't 'damaged' enough from the situation they are in. What would happen if he was just 'flirting' but she misread the signals?

ouchy2012

I would be seriously worried about his behavior and would leave him, as for him saying you can not take the kids, is he for real?

Hes 34 and he gives an underage girl drink and then basically snogs her in front of you...I don't want to alarm you but it sounds like he is praying on an underage vulnerable girl.

I feel bad saying it but his behavior is highly worrying, there is a name for people like him!

itsanne

Elaine434 wrote: »

But this is it. He hasn't done anything, behaved inappropriately, but nothing physical.

Why are you saying he hasn't done anything?

He secretly plied a vulnerable 15 year old with alcohol. That's wrong.

A "lingering kiss" with a vulnerable 15 year old isn't wrong? Of course it is! Did he give lingering kisses to everyone else too?

The girl followed him into the toilet TWICE. A normal response to the first time would have been to ensure it couldn't happen again. An adult man allowing a vulnerable 15 year old girl into the toilet with him is wrong.

You have a responsibility to follow this up. You know your husband should not have behaved as he did - that's why you posted on here in the first place. If everything is as you describe, he poses a real risk to the girl. Quite apart from your marriage, how would you feel if things go further and you have stood back and said nothing? Imagine the police becoming involved, but not through you, and asking you questions about what you were aware of.


Elaine, I'm not going to comment on the state of your marriage. Others have done that already and will be available with advice if you wish to take it. I wish you well in what seems bound to be a difficult time ahead.

FBaby

I have always thought of the 'I was drunk' excuse as a total cop out for people to do what they know they shouldn't be.

I totally agree with this. I would have been furious if it was my hubby. All I'm saying is that there is a difference between acting inappropriately (which he did without a doubt) and having innappropriate sexual thoughts about a teenage girl. This is what ultimately he is being accused of and I can understand why he could feel extremely offended if that was never the case.

Whether there was more to it or not, who knows.