Teens and sex in the house

glitter_fairy

I was expecting this issue yet as until a year ago i only had pre teen children. We found out my husband had an older child, she is now 19 and is living with us. She has been for over 6 months. She now haas a job, is talking to her mum again, who is also been off drugs for 6 months.

Until a few months ago she had a long term boyfriend and stayed at his a fair amount and sometimes he stayed over. Recently she has had a few flings and has brought one or two back to ours after nights out. This I am not OK with. there are two other children living here and I feel its a bad influance.

I also do not want random people coming into our home that we do not know while the rest of us are in bed.

I know she is taking precortions and I have spoken to her about safe sex and she is very well informed.

The problem is she cant see why we mind. She grew up with her mum doing this and having random men in and out.

We are finding this hard, on one hand she is an adult and we cant control eveything she does, but this isnt just her home.

She thinks we are being unreasonable and old fashioned.

I will admit I am out of my depth I wasnt expecting to deal with this for a good few years yet.

claire16c

I was allowed a boyfriend over at 19 but wouldn't have brought a casual fling back for the night!

Maybe tell her you would be happy to get to know a boyfriend first I.e she's welcome to invite them round for a DVD night or meal but no one stays over until you know them better?

glitter_fairy

claire16c wrote: »

I was allowed a boyfriend I've at 19 but wouldn't have brought a casual fling back for the night!

Maybe tell her you would be happy to get to know a boyfriend first I.e she's welcome to invite them round for a DVD night or meal but no one stays over until you know them better?

I have done, its bringing men home from nightclubs tat even she doesnt know that well

claire16c

Thing is if my parents had told me to stop doing it I would have. Are you saying you've told her but she does it anyway?

onlyroz

I think you just have to tell her, calmly and firmly, that she is not to bring back overnight guests unless you've met them first. Explain that you don't think this is appropriate behaviour for your young children to witness. I would also be concerned about the security of the household if these really are just drunken nightclub flings - what happens if one of these people gets a bit light-fingered and takes e.g. a purse left lying around?

glitter_fairy

claire16c wrote: »

Thing is if my parents had told me to stop doing it I would have. Are you saying you've told her but she does it anyway?

Yes, she has done it once since, she cant seem to see why we dont want her to. She grew up seeing her mum and aunt do it and thinks its normal.

glitter_fairy

onlyroz wrote: »

I think you just have to tell her, calmly and firmly, that she is not to bring back overnight guests unless you've met them first. Explain that you don't think this is appropriate behaviour for your young children to witness. I would also be concerned about the security of the household if these really are just drunken nightclub flings - what happens if one of these people gets a bit light-fingered and takes e.g. a purse left lying around?

This is my concern too

fluffnutter

It doesn't really matter what she thinks. If you don't like then you don't have to put up with it. Whilst it would be useful for everyone if she understood your concerns, chances are, possibly owing to her upbringing, that's not going to happen. So just lay down the law. Obviously she's not a child and you can't control her life, but it is your home and you can control that. Tell her, or better still get her father to tell her, that categorically, unconditionally, she's not to bring her conquests back for a bunk-up. If she does, she leaves. Simple.

I'm not normally one to suggest laying down the law with teenagers - I think it's counter-productive and I also don't have a problem with kids sleeping with their boyfriends/girlfriends under their parents' roof. But this is just disrespectful - your house is not a knocking shop.

fluffnutter

glitter_fairy wrote: »

Yes, she has done it once since, she cant seem to see why we dont want her to. She grew up seeing her mum and aunt do it and thinks its normal.

But you and her dad are telling her it's not. Keep telling her.

fluffnutter

If she takes no notice, take her key away when she goes out. Obviously you'll have to get up to let her in (if she comes home) but at least you get to control who comes in your house.

I sound like a right fascist today. I'm not usually like this.

BitterAndTwisted

glitter_fairy wrote: »

I also do not want random people coming into our home that we do not know while the rest of us are in bed.

The problem is she can't see why we mind.

She doesn't have to see your point of view. The point is that it's your home and your rules apply. If she doesn't like it, she can go to their place for casual one-nighters if that's what she wants to do.

I would not countenance complete strangers being invited to stay my home without my prior consent. That you wouldn't be willing to give consent under any circumstances is neither here not there.

If she wants to have strangers staying over she can rent her own place. Being in loco parentis is not about winning a popularity contest. She's being selfish, reckless and unreasonable so put your ruddy foot down!