Teens and sex in the house

glitter_fairy

fluffnutter wrote: »

If she takes no notice, take her key away when she goes out. Obviously you'll have to get up to let her in (if she comes home) but at least you get to control who comes in your house.

I sound like a right fascist today. I'm not usually like this.

Thats a good idea.

I think we have been treading on egg shells a bit as we didnt want to scare her off and we really wanted her to know she was a part of our family as much as the younger too are.

fashionlover10

I think having boyfriends round is one thing but random strangers from a nightclub would be a massive no! Have you sat down and explained to her that whilst her mum may have done those things 1. it's just not safe and 2. it's your house and these are your rules?

themull1

I would wait until she came in and if she was with someone tell them to get out, embarrassing her might do the trick, if she doesn't take any notice tell her to get out as well. She's an adult now.

fashionlover10

onlyroz wrote: »

I think you just have to tell her, calmly and firmly, that she is not to bring back overnight guests unless you've met them first. Explain that you don't think this is appropriate behaviour for your young children to witness. I would also be concerned about the security of the household if these really are just drunken nightclub flings - what happens if one of these people gets a bit light-fingered and takes e.g. a purse left lying around?

I know it might sound a bit extreme but I'd be worrying that they'd end up doing more than just taking a purse. What if step-daughter decides she doesn't want to have sex and random stranger forces himself on her?

glitter_fairy

fashionlover10 wrote: »

I think having boyfriends round is one thing but random strangers from a nightclub would be a massive no! Have you sat down and explained to her that whilst her mum may have done those things 1. it's just not safe and 2. it's your house and these are your rules?

We have tried. But she is acting very angrily right now. Lots of 'you arnt my mum' to me and 'where were you when I was growing up' to her dad. She seems to blow up at the slightest thing.

TBH I dont really know how to handle it

Person_one

Even if she weren't living with parents but with flat mates, it's not the done thing to let strangers in if not everybody is ok with it.

BitterAndTwisted

glitter_fairy wrote: »

I think we have been treading on egg shells a bit as we didn't want to scare her off and we really wanted her to know she was a part of our family as much as the younger too are.

Listen, if she really was a part of a normal family she wouldn't be welcome to bring random strangers round for a drunken leg-over in the middle of the night. That's the sort of rule which normal families apply.

Apply it now, with the minimum of discussion, and absolutely no room for negotiation.

Young people need boundaries and this is one of them. make it not about the casual sex but about the safety and security of the rest of the family. She's not entitled to jeopardise that under any circumstances. If she wants a casual shag with a stranger she can go to theirs, do it in the local park and then come home or book a hotel.

BitterAndTwisted

glitter_fairy wrote: »

We have tried. But she is acting very angrily right now. Lots of 'you arnt my mum' to me and 'where were you when I was growing up' to her dad. She seems to blow up at the slightest thing.

TBH I dont really know how to handle it

She's manipulating you and turning on the guilt-trip. Do not rise to the bait.

How you handle it is not not engaging with her about it and stating explicitly what the rules are. And then enforcing them if you have to.

peachyprice

glitter_fairy wrote: »

We have tried. But she is acting very angrily right now. Lots of 'you arnt my mum' to me and 'where were you when I was growing up' to her dad. She seems to blow up at the slightest thing.

TBH I dont really know how to handle it

No you're not her mum, just a woman who has been kind enough to put a roof over her head when her own mother has failed her miserably. This has nothing do do with where her dad was when she was growing up either. But you might want to remind her that mouthing off like a 15yo is very unbecoming for a grown woman.

It's about respecting the people she has now chosen to live with and hopefully wanting a better home life for her siblings than she ever had.

If she wants to live fast and loose, that's fine, she's old enough to understand what she is doing, there are plenty of house shares advertised on Gumtree, I'm sure she'll find like-minded people to live with. In the meantime she is living in a family environment, not a freaking ho house.

lika_86

She's an adult and if she wants to live in your household then she can live by your rules. If she doesn't like then she can presumably go an find somewhere else to live. I understand that you want to create a relationship, but it won't happen while she doesn't respect you and your house.