Teens and sex in the house

paulineb_2

Person_one wrote: »

Why does casual sex always have to have a link with self esteem?

Im quite sure it doesnt always have a link with self esteem.

But in some instances when people sleep around, they have very low self esteem, its not always about the sex, it can be about wanting to feel loved and some people might confuse sex with love. Particularly if they've grown up in a home that was dysfunctional, they'll take attention wherever they get it and sex is a form of attention. Just speaking as someone who worked with teenagers/young adults for a long time, many who were sexually active, had one night stands and spoke openly about why they were sleeping with people in between relationships.

On the other hand you might get people with great self esteem who have casual sex and sleep with people they hardly know after theyve been for a night out. I tended to meet more of the former.

And from the OP's posting, it does sound like this girl has had an upbringing that has been less than positive at times, as other people have said, shes repeating what shes seen other family members do.

meritaten

poor kid - I bet she equates success with 'pulling' on a night out to bolster her self esteem. she sees her mum and aunt do this and probably try to 'outdo' each other. to her, I bet coming home by herself is like a 'failure'? she hasn't 'pulled' therefore, nobody finds her attractive. it isn't going to be easy to convince her otherwise!
The main thing is to get her to conform to 'house rules'. you have to let her know they aren't a moral judgement - but a matter of home privacy and security. YOU are not judge and jury over her!

Amanda65

We operate an 'our house, our rules' policy and if the children don't like it - tough.

DD1 was away at uni but the first time she bought her boyfriend home to stay they slept separately as we hadn't met him. After that we let them sleep together - they were a couple for two years. We have made it very clear that we do not wish to meet strangers at breakfast and random one night stands are not welcome. I think your step-daughter is testing you - stand your grand and let her see that respect should work for all members of the family

meritaten

I think we have to realise that most of us have a moral background and bring our kids up that way. This 'kid' hasn't been brought up the same way? her moral compass is way off - and at age 19 its ingrained. but, there is hope there as she seems to respect OP - and house rules, while she may think they are a bit strange, may respect them if she knows they apply to all.

Jobseeeker

Person_one wrote: »

Even if she weren't living with parents but with flat mates, it's not the done thing to let strangers in if not everybody is ok with it.

Exactly. One of my flatmates did this when we were 19 and we all had a flat discussion and decided it wasn't safe and what if they steal something. She is not a child she is staying on as an adult in a sort of flatmate situation so she should have respect for the other residents of the house. She should also be paying her share of the bills.

BitterAndTwisted

Her "moral compass" is her own business and at 19 years of age she will not be interested in hearing about other's moral values because in common with most other 19 year olds, they know everything and don't welcome being told anything.

She is at risk of jeopardising the family's safety and security by inviting complete strangers into the house without permission. This should be the only justification the OP and her husband should be using. Quite possibly with a side-order of there needing to be some mutual respect when you live together as a family.

System

Whether she thinks its right or wrong its your house, you make the rules.

Theres no way I'd allow people I didn't know well sleep overnight in my house.

I'd be thinking of the bad example she is setting your younger children.

Dunroamin

Person_one wrote: »

Why does casual sex always have to have a link with self esteem?

It's a legacy from the days when women weren't supposed to enjoy sex for its own sake.

itsanne

In terms of how to handle it, you simply don't negotiate on this one. Explain, yes, but the bottom line is that it's your house and your decision. You don't have to justify yourself because she doesn't agree. If she wants to have random one night stands she can - but not in your house. If that means she's putting herself at risk by going off with some stranger, so be it. It's either that or the rest of the household being at risk. It would be best, though, if your OH is the one to spell this out to her.

I suspect that she'd be less willing to make a fuss about this if she'd known and lived with you for longer, so would hope that in the long run she'll be more willing to co-operate.

In the meantime, if you're not confident that she will comply and you don't want to put her out, there are ways of making your house a much less appealing bordello . You will, however, have to steel yourself for some sleepless nights or embarrassment. It's an awful shame she can't get in without waking you as she doesn't have a key / key has been left in the inside of the lock / chain is on . . . Simply telling random bloke that he may not stay will put her off bringing others back, and if she makes a fuss in front of him he'll leave anyway. If she manages to sneak someone in, an interruption in the middle of "things" will soon give the message that it's not a good idea. (It would be easy to set up something noisy so that they can't get in without being heard.) Again, random bloke will have to leave.

What you are expecting of the girl is completely reasonable, but even if it were not you have the right to have the final say on what is or is not allowed in your house.

Guest101

Just yo point out the alternative, she goes back to their house where her safety is compromised to a whole new level