Would this bother you?

notanewuser

Adrenalina wrote: »

I take it you found out by accident that the SIL you lent things to has passed them on? Does she know that you know? Otherwise you could ask her how long she thinks she still needs the items for, jut as a reminder that they are yours and you're expecting them back.
Or you could make up a very good and cash-strapped friend who you promised xyz to, and when could they bring them round...

We were up there visiting and went (unexpectedly) to see baby E's mum. I literally fell over the toy in the doorway. "Oh cool," I said, "you've got one of these. They're fab, aren't they? I bet E loves it."

"Actually," she said sheepishly, "it's yours."

When we got back to babies A and C's house I mentioned that I'd fallen over the toy. "Oh yes," said their mum, " C was finished with it so I gave it to them for E. I didn't think you'd mind."

They live 260+ miles away - they can't bring anything round without a lot of hassle.

notanewuser

Janepig wrote: »

I'd be cross about people passing stuff on that I'd loaned them to others without asking, but on the other hand I'd really only be lending/giving stuff that I had no further use for. For instance I gave my moses basket to a friend after having DS because she was expecting and it was just cluttering up my house. I was happy for her to have it and do what she wanted with it. She mentioned afew times about letting me have it back and I made it clear that I didn't want it.

I actually had a loan of a moses basket after DD was born from a colleague of DH's, and I wouldn't have dreamed of doing anything other than giving it back in the condition it was given to me (although I got a new mattress for DD to use, I didn't use the one that came with it) - even though the woman whose basket it was has never gone on to have any more children.

I wouldn't give away anything I'd set my heart on keeping - sentimental stuff, DD's dress she came home from hospital in, first teddy, present my mum bought for DD for Christmas before she was born (she passed away just before DD was born), etc... That's stuff I wouldn't lend, no matter how sure I was of having it back.

OP, I think unless you are upfront and make it clear to your relatives that you want the stuff back, then you've got to give it up as a bad job. No point seething about it unless you speak up.

Jx

Thanks. I haven't loaned or given anything precious.

mountainofdebt

notanewuser wrote: »

Thanks. I haven't loaned or given anything precious.

and I think this is what you have to run with, however much it grates.

Something similar happened to me and whilst it did annoy me I decided that it wasn't worth falling out over but I learnt to be very careful what I lent, to whom and to make it clear the terms of the loan.

Janepig

notanewuser wrote: »

Thanks. I haven't loaned or given anything precious.

That's something then, however annoying the situation.

Honestly I never cease to be amazed on this forum, how thoughtless and mean people can be. How can you not realise that if someone lends you something then you should give it back? Some people seem to take real liberties with other people's goodwill don't they?

Jx

FatVonD

Could you say to E's parents that can they please hand the stuff back to you when E outgrows it rather than giving it back to one of the other siblings as someone on your side of the family is wanting to borrow it?

notanewuser

FatVonD wrote: »

Could you say to E's parents that can they please hand the stuff back to you when E outgrows it rather than giving it back to one of the other siblings as someone on your side of the family is wanting to borrow it?

As far as I know, they're done with one thing (so I should be able to get that back later this month) but have not long had the other thing from A + C's parents. I suspect it will be some months before I see that, and as they have a large and destructive dog I dread to think what state it will be in. I'm actually feeling queasy when imagining how much poo and puke may have found their way into the fabrics (non-removable) from 3 babies. _pale_

paulineb_2

Given that's the case, there's little point taking something back that's in less than good condition.

throwback

Firstly if you did make it clear you wanted the items back, yes they should have been returned.

However, when we had kids we had masses of stuff given to us from so many different people, we would no way be able to keep track of what came from who in order to return it, and so we always checked and didn't accept anything if anyone said they wanted it back.

Most of the stuff we were given was from 'completed' families so I know the stuff wasn't wanted by the original owners anymore and we probably did them a favour in taking it off their hands. I know that when we have friends/family who have kids we will be happy to pass on our stuff, including the stuff given to us by others, or to charity if we don't know anyone who wants it.

I'd say in your case a lesson learned, and it is my policy that I never expect to get back anything I lend, so if it's precious or I might want it in the future, I just won't lend it - more because it will probably be forgotten about by the person borrowing it rather than an intent to keep it.

notanewuser

paulineb wrote: »

Given that's the case, there's little point taking something back that's in less than good condition.

Indeed. Makes me so cross to be so taken for granted though. As if it doesn't matter what happens to our stuff.

notanewuser

throwback wrote: »

Firstly if you did make it clear you wanted the items back, yes they should have been returned.

However, when we had kids we had masses of stuff given to us from so many different people, we would no way be able to keep track of what came from who in order to return it, and so we always checked and didn't accept anything if anyone said they wanted it back.

Most of the stuff we were given was from 'completed' families so I know the stuff wasn't wanted by the original owners anymore and we probably did them a favour in taking it off their hands. I know that when we have friends/family who have kids we will be happy to pass on our stuff, including the stuff given to us by others, or to charity if we don't know anyone who wants it.

I'd say in your case a lesson learned, and it is my policy that I never expect to get back anything I lend, so if it's precious or I might want it in the future, I just won't lend it - more because it will probably be forgotten about by the person borrowing it rather than an intent to keep it.

I shan't make the mistake again.

There was nobody else giving stuff to the parents of babies A+C, and we only lent the car seat to the parents of B+D, so that shouldn't get mixed up with anything else.