Would this bother you?

CH27

Given your previously documented problems with your inlaws i'm surprised that you didn't expect this thoughtlessness.

dizziblonde

I think you'd be being quite harsh to be annoyed at a younger sibling with a close age gap coming along and re-using something... but passing stuff on without asking you and not keeping it in decent condition is something that would wind me up no end.

From the other side of it - we borrowed a lot of stuff from a relative for our eldest, and I wrote down every single thing that we'd borrowed to make sure it could all go back - and a sibling came along very very soon after (I've got an 11 month gap between kids so we're talking about learning it was on the cards pretty much still as the teeny tiny baby stuff was still being used) - we did check it was ok to hang onto the stuff we were borrowing but yep it got double the use I'm sure was expected... but taken care of, and indeed some things like sleeping bags I went out and bought our own of when we found out that our youngest had reflux meaning she could puke for England - purely so the borrowed ones didn't get damaged. Stuff has gone back (via the MIL who is storing it all in her loft) with our stuff we've bought and are finished with added to it for whenever the relative we borrowed from has their second baby... some stuff we're still using and again, it's known about, and some stuff they're fine with not coming back (things like a car seat that was hardly used... and before anyone starts - don't).

But I take scrupulous care of loaned stuff, and also don't loan stuff out myself I'm not bothered about having back - especially now we're done with having kids (although I'd have loved the insanity of three under-3 secretly..)

Nicki

notanewuser wrote: »

Just trying to get some perspective as I don't know whether this would bother others as it is me.

Obviously not. :rotfl::rotfl: Perhaps just looking to get others to agree with you, as another person's perspective on the same situation has rather comprehensively been picked apart in your post above

notanewuser

CH27 wrote: »

Given your previously documented problems with your inlaws i'm surprised that you didn't expect this thoughtlessness.

I didn't have that much to do with them before DD came along!

notanewuser

Nicki wrote: »

Obviously not. :rotfl::rotfl: Perhaps just looking to get others to agree with you, as another person's perspective on the same situation has rather comprehensively been picked apart in your post above

Well, you'd missed/ignored things I'd already said elsewhere, which then led to your "advice" being a bit skewed. I was just making sure you actually understood the issue.

I've moved from being totally !!!!ed off to writing off much of it off. It's the principle of it that's being tested, not the value of items.

paulineb_2

If its not about the money and its about how they treat you, you cant make people treat you with respect or your belongings with respect, thats the bottom line. You can only make a decision about whether to lend anything out again and take these relatives as you find them. And if thats thoughtless and selfish thats thoughtless and selfish. Given that they are 260 miles away and presumably you dont see them that often, Id just get on with your own family and yes it must be hurtful, but some people are thoughtless, just because they are your husbands relatives doesnt mean they'll behave in a manner you find acceptable.

You could always tell them how you feel, part of the issue when you are upset with people and they dont know is that it might cause you more problems, because you have all these feelings and they arent being aired.

If you cant air them, then forget it, move on and dont lend them anything again, which Im sure you wont.

notanewuser

paulineb wrote: »

If its not about the money and its about how they treat you, you cant make people treat you with respect or your belongings with respect, thats the bottom line. You can only make a decision about whether to lend anything out again and take these relatives as you find them. And if thats thoughtless and selfish thats thoughtless and selfish. Given that they are 260 miles away and presumably you dont see them that often, Id just get on with your own family and yes it must be hurtful, but some people are thoughtless, just because they are your husbands relatives doesnt mean they'll behave in a manner you find acceptable.

You could always tell them how you feel, part of the issue when you are upset with people and they dont know is that it might cause you more problems, because you have all these feelings and they arent being aired.

If you cant air them, then forget it, move on and dont lend them anything again, which Im sure you wont.

We certainly won't. Lesson learned there!

poet123

Well, you can always use this to fuel the dislike between your husband and his family. You have posted previously how he always defends them, puts them above your wishes, so if this is really annoying him as much as you say it is you can turn it to advantage.;)

Personally, I would not have passed on anything I thought I would want back, because few people take as good care of things as would be appropriate if it was going to be used for a third time, let alone a fourth or fifth.

I agree with most of what Nicki said.

nearlyrich

notanewuser wrote: »

In the last 2.5 years, absolutely!

Before that we didn't have to be so "involved" with them.

The old saying that you can choose your friends but not your family is very true however you live over 200 miles away and if I was you I would be telling hubby that it's time to stop being so nice to them. You can't change them and they clearly don't come up to your standards for in laws. Let them make the effort to come to see you for a while and if they don't I am sure you won't be too sad.

notanewuser

nearlyrich wrote: »

The old saying that you can choose your friends but not your family is very true however you live over 200 miles away and if I was you I would be telling hubby that it's time to stop being so nice to them. You can't change them and they clearly don't come up to your standards for in laws. Let them make the effort to come to see you for a while and if they don't I am sure you won't be too sad.

I wouldn't! But for DD and DH's sakes I put up with them. It is just very odd to me that the collective act this way. We're talking about 5 members of the same family, plus 3 partners who for 20+ years weren't involved with DH's family!

That's why I ask her for perspective - I don't know whether their "way" is normal and mine not, or whether they're all just very thoughtless!