Would this bother you?

Nicki

It quite possibly has been twisted in their heads. The aftermath of a birth, a bit like a wedding, is an emotional maelstrom for the whole family. Is it possible after all this time to try to straighten it out.

Tbh a lot of what you describe is just what happens when one family member lives far from the rest. I'm in the same situation in that I live a long way from my parents and siblings who all live close by. The expectation is that we visit not the other way round, even though 5 flights at a time are more expensive than 2 and we would pay their flights and put them up. When we visit all 5 of us stay in a hotel even though there is room at my mums because she isn't up to the mess of kids any longer, and my siblings don't take time off work particularly just because we are visiting as they have limited leave. There are really only two choices: to accept that's how things are after a while if you choose to move away and tolerate it with good grace to keep the relationship going, or to get upset and make yourself unhappy about it. I choose the former. I doubt it's personal (in either my case or yours). Oh and my mum never asks after my husband of 22 years when she phones either, again probably not personal.

ETA My siblings didn't come to any of my children's christening seven though they were godparents the first time, and my parents didn't come to the third one, again even though flights and accommodation would have been paid. It's just not that important to anyone else I think

Nicki

Is baby A the IVF baby? If so, although you probably weren't of all the facts at the time, that might put your in laws behaviour into a completely different perspective.

If there is 8 months between your DD and baby A, then SIL was right in the middle of an IVF cycle at the time. She could well have been travelling to see your newborn a day or two after a general anaesthetic. In those circumstances I can see why the idea of staying in a hotel after a 250 mile trip felt too much and also why the grandparents might have been torn. Lots of high emotions all round, secrets which couldn't be told then make for hurt feelings and a damaged relationship which has lasted 3 years maybe?

I do think you have to at least consider that whatever the situation now is that perhaps at the outset none of this was meant personally but that misunderstandings along the way have ended up causing unhappiness and discontent all round.

poet123

It is amazing how things which are not meant can be misconstrued. I attended a funeral over the last week and there I met the wife of a cousin who has been cool with me since I inadvertently upset her at my wedding 32 years ago! She felt that I hadn't given her enough of my time when going around the room speaking to guests and was annoyed with my husband for politely saying his elderly gran had arrived which meant I excused myself and went off to welcome her. She snapped that clearly others were more important than her, and that coolness is still ongoing. I have mentioned it several times over the years and apologised but still she cannot let it go. People can be very odd like that, but for me, life is too short to be so silly.

notanewuser

Nicki wrote: »

Is baby A the IVF baby? If so, although you probably weren't of all the facts at the time, that might put your in laws behaviour into a completely different perspective.

If there is 8 months between your DD and baby A, then SIL was right in the middle of an IVF cycle at the time. She could well have been travelling to see your newborn a day or two after a general anaesthetic. In those circumstances I can see why the idea of staying in a hotel after a 250 mile trip felt too much and also why the grandparents might have been torn. Lots of high emotions all round, secrets which couldn't be told then make for hurt feelings and a damaged relationship which has lasted 3 years maybe?

I do think you have to at least consider that whatever the situation now is that perhaps at the outset none of this was meant personally but that misunderstandings along the way have ended up causing unhappiness and discontent all round.

Yes, baby A was IVF. SIL was 7-8 weeks pregnant when they visited DD (born 2 weeks late). Baby A was about a week late so there's almost 8 months between them but should only have been 7 (just).

I think (and hope) that there's a lot of truth in what you say.

Georgiegirl256

Although, IMO the OP can be slightly anal (for want of a better word) about certain things, she certainly doesn't deserve the barrage of abuse she's been getting on this thread. How would you feel if you'd just given birth and you were trying to establish a routine with your new baby and all of a sudden a houseful of guests descended on you.

I can see both sides of the story, but find myself agreeing with the OP on a lot of issues. For grandparents who don't see their grandchild that regularly, to not enquire about her when they phone up is strange, and I can totally see why the OP is peeved, I would be too.

I think the main issue here is the husband.

Nicki

Treading gingerly here, but OP is there any scope for finding a way forward here concerning the baby stuff without letting the situation upset you more?

Could you divide all the stuff into categories in your head. And then deal with each category in the way which will ultimately cause you least upset and have the least impact on the fragile relationship with the Inlaws.

The stuff you know you won't want back because it's probably been trashed, could you mentally let that go and write it off as a gift even if it wasn't intended to be at the outset?

The valuable stuff which you know they aren't using, you deal with politely but assertively. Give a date by which you want it returned and a link to the same item in roughly the same condition on eBay for them to replace it for you if it has been lost. I'm specifically thinking of the tens machine here but also anything which you have an objectively good reason to want back now.

The remainder of the stuff, can you ask for it before you go up to visit and again when you are there. Things like the car seat bases. They probably need a bit of notice to retrieve it from garages and lofts and won't want the hassle of having to send it to you.

Where stuff has been passed along, you obviously ask for it from the person you believe to have it, not the person you officially lent it to. And be armed with a diplomatic reason why you want it, such as to lend to a friend or your sister or to sell on, or just sentimental reasons.

notanewuser

Nicki wrote: »

Treading gingerly here, but OP is there any scope for finding a way forward here concerning the baby stuff without letting the situation upset you more?

Could you divide all the stuff into categories in your head. And then deal with each category in the way which will ultimately cause you least upset and have the least impact on the fragile relationship with the Inlaws.

The stuff you know you won't want back because it's probably been trashed, could you mentally let that go and write it off as a gift even if it wasn't intended to be at the outset?

The valuable stuff which you know they aren't using, you deal with politely but assertively. Give a date by which you want it returned and a link to the same item in roughly the same condition on eBay for them to replace it for you if it has been lost. I'm specifically thinking of the tens machine here but also anything which you have an objectively good reason to want back now.

The remainder of the stuff, can you ask for it before you go up to visit and again when you are there. Things like the car seat bases. They probably need a bit of notice to retrieve it from garages and lofts and won't want the hassle of having to send it to you.

Where stuff has been passed along, you obviously ask for it from the person you believe to have it, not the person you officially lent it to. And be armed with a diplomatic reason why you want it, such as to lend to a friend or your sister or to sell on, or just sentimental reasons.

I don't want any of it anymore apart from the TENS machine and the car seat bases. The car seat bases should be in a townhouse with no loft or garage (:eek:) so should be easy enough to get. The TENS - I'll ask them to look for it between now and our visit, and if it's not found I'll get DH to deal with that (with his brother).

Nicki

Sounds like a plan.

Sometimes takes me a while to get there especially when one of the kids has trashed something new or someone has behaved like an !!! but my two mantras in life try to be "it's just stuff" and "don't take it personally". In the end that makes me happiest usually