Would this bother you?

notanewuser

mountainofdebt wrote: »

That's a really strange choice of word to use......I would have used the phrase brought up

I chose the word carefully.

mountainofdebt

notanewuser wrote: »

I chose the word carefully.

Then that says it all.

notanewuser

mountainofdebt wrote: »

Then that says it all.

It was more efficient than saying "he was brought up to bear a disproportionate amount of responsibility for his younger siblings, being made to feel he was abandoning them when he left for university (despite 2 of the 3 following afterwards) and feeling guilty about earning more than them. This is so deeply ingrained into him that it still affects his relationship with his closest family now. He gives so much more than he gets back emotionally and he's constantly looking for his father's approval (never forthcoming)."

But thanks for making me write it all out!!!

silvercar

There is a basic assumption that if you lend something for a niece/ nephew to use and show no evidence of producing a second child yourself, you would have no reason to object to the item being used for another niece/ nephew. It would be polite to ask, but I can't think of a reason why you would not be prepared to lend to second borns unless you wanted to put things away for a future use yourself before the items were worn out.

Definitely courteous to ask, but what reason could you have to demand back other than a planned future offspring?

silvercar

notanewuser wrote: »

It was more efficient than saying "he was brought up to bear a disproportionate amount of responsibility for his younger siblings, being made to feel he was abandoning them when he left for university (despite 2 of the 3 following afterwards) and feeling guilty about earning more than them. This is so deeply ingrained into him that it still affects his relationship with his closest family now. He gives so much more than he gets back emotionally and he's constantly looking for his father's approval (never forthcoming)."

But thanks for making me write it all out!!!

Oldest children often feel this responsibility, whether thrust open them or not.

poet123

I worry about the use of the word grooming though. It has come to mean that a sinister element exists. Your explanation does not fit the word.

The bottom line here is that it does appear you despise his family, his upbringing and his attachment to them. You may even have cause, but I can't see how the pair of you can be happy together unless he breaks contact, or you mellow a little.

notanewuser

poet123 wrote: »

I worry about the use of the word grooming though. It has come to mean that a sinister element exists. Your explanation does not fit the word.

groom
gruːm/

verb
gerund or present participle: grooming

1.brush and clean the coat of (a horse, dog, or other animal).
"the horses were groomed and taken to shows"
synonyms: curry, brush, comb, rub, rub down More
(of an animal) clean the fur or skin of (itself or another animal).
"their main preoccupation is licking and grooming themselves"
give a neat and tidy appearance to (someone).
"a beautifully groomed woman"
synonyms: brush, comb, smooth, do, dress, arrange, adjust, put in order, tidy, make tidy, spruce up, smarten up, preen, primp, freshen up; More
look after (a lawn, ski slope, or other surface).
"groom your lawn—keep the grass cut"
2.prepare or train (someone) for a particular purpose or activity.
"star pupils who are groomed for higher things"

synonyms: prepare, prime, make ready, ready, condition, tailor;

More (of a !!!!!phile) prepare (a child) for a meeting, especially via an Internet chat room, with the intention of committing a sexual offence.

Nothing wrong with my use of the word as far as I can see. Of the 5 examples given only 1 relates to anything sinister.

poet123 wrote: »

The bottom line here is that it does appear you despise his family, his upbringing and his attachment to them. You may even have cause, but I can't see how the pair of you can be happy together unless he breaks contact, or you mellow a little.

The vast majority of the time we are perfectly happy, thank you. There are plenty of things about his family that DH doesn't like. It's only the prospect of visiting that draws out these issues usually. It's not a daily issue for us.

I'm resigning myself to the fact that they think and behave very differently to us, and am modifying my approach so as not to be wound up by it. Unfortunately DH's "conditioning" means that every so often he feels he/we should do something or other that ultimately ends up biting him/us on the 'arris.

notanewuser

silvercar wrote: »

Oldest children often feel this responsibility, whether thrust open them or not.

Indeed. I'm an eldest child, as are many of my friends. But in DH its much deeper than anybody else I've encountered.

notanewuser

silvercar wrote: »

There is a basic assumption that if you lend something for a niece/ nephew to use and show no evidence of producing a second child yourself, you would have no reason to object to the item being used for another niece/ nephew. It would be polite to ask, but I can't think of a reason why you would not be prepared to lend to second borns unless you wanted to put things away for a future use yourself before the items were worn out.

Definitely courteous to ask, but what reason could you have to demand back other than a planned future offspring?

I have never said we're wanting to demand anything back (except the TENS and that won't be demanded).

poet123

notanewuser wrote: »

Nothing wrong with my use of the word as far as I can see. Of the 5 examples given only 1 relates to anything sinister.



The vast majority of the time we are perfectly happy, thank you. There are plenty of things about his family that DH doesn't like. It's only the prospect of visiting that draws out these issues usually. It's not a daily issue for us.

I'm resigning myself to the fact that they think and behave very differently to us, and am modifying my approach so as not to be wound up by it. Unfortunately DH's "conditioning" means that every so often he feels he/we should do something or other that ultimately ends up biting him/us on the 'arris.

Yes, I am aware of the other usage, but common usage means that it is used to indicate an undertone of malice. It is clear to me that was the way you used it. Just an observation.