Would this bother you?

notanewuser

I've asked 3 or 4 times and got very flimsy answers. We're going up at the end of the month so will set that as the deadline.

mountainofdebt

notanewuser wrote: »

It's not really that they changed, I don't think, but the relationship did. DD is the first grandchild on both sides. While my (small but spread out) family couldn't contain their excitement, DH's family appeared not to be bothered. The gifts they bought for her were things they knew (but perhaps forgot) would not be used (dummies, bottles etc). (They were bought and given a few weeks after DD was born so they knew breast feeding was established etc.)

They have never asked after me or DD when they've called DH. That's odd to me. As was expecting us to put up 8 of them at our house within a week of DD's traumatic birth. We offered to put them up in a hotel (even though they could easily afford it themselves) but this was refused and DH "punished" by them coming much later for a couple of hours.

Where we could visit either way whenever we liked before DD (3-4 times a year) now it's more awkward. DH wants DD to know her grandparents and cousins etc but they seem determined to make that hard. They just don't really make any effort. It's very alien to me.

why do you think the relationship changed, especially as the cousins were born with a short space of time of your daughter being born (and incidentally your OH being the eldest?)

was it because you (subconsciously) thought they should be more excited at the prospect of your daughter?

Do you feel that they could make more of an effort in seeing your daughter and that visits are a one way street?

I have to say though I'm still perplexed as to why you asked the question in the first place especially as you and your OH are annoyed by their actions, as it really doesn't matter what we strangers think......if there was a difference of opinion then a different viewpoint may be useful to see where the other one was coming from

notanewuser

mountainofdebt wrote: »

why do you think the relationship changed, especially as the cousins were born with a short space of time of your daughter being born (and incidentally your OH being the eldest?)

was it because you (subconsciously) thought they should be more excited at the prospect of your daughter?

Excited? No. Mildly interested? Absolutely. Nothing subconscious about it.

There is a relationship shift when a new generation arrives, I think.

mountainofdebt wrote: »

Do you feel that they could make more of an effort in seeing your daughter and that visits are a one way street?

Yes. They make no effort. Some would be a start. Visits are very one way, and that's not likely to change due to DH's parents providing childcare they don't get free time. The brothers plus families don't want to travel as it eats into their weekend drinking etc.

mountainofdebt wrote: »

I have to say though I'm still perplexed as to why you asked the question in the first place especially as you and your OH are annoyed by their actions, as it really doesn't matter what we strangers think......if there was a difference of opinion then a different viewpoint may be useful to see where the other one was coming from

I was interested in others' views. I didn't realise questions had to be justified on here!

Nicki

It's often a very difficult dynamic for grandparents when one child is struggling with infertility and IVF and another child then falls pregnant easily. The couple with fertility issues can frequently be very upset about their own situation and find the grandparents excitement about the siblings child adds to their grief, so the grandparents need to be sensitive all round. That being said when your child was born, all 8 of them within days of the news were ready and willing to travel 250 miles to come and see your new arrival, despite what was going on with their own struggles. It was you who asked them not to come because you didn't want them to stay with you immediately after the birth. That's a valid decision for you to make but perhaps not then fair to accuse them of not being excited enough? How much would transport and hotel accommodation for 8, plus a few days loss of earnings for all the wage earners have cost? Perhaps the projected hotel costs were what tipped the balance?

DaveTheMus

notanewuser wrote: »

It's not really that they changed, I don't think, but the relationship did. DD is the first grandchild on both sides. While my (small but spread out) family couldn't contain their excitement, DH's family appeared not to be bothered. The gifts they bought for her were things they knew (but perhaps forgot) would not be used (dummies, bottles etc). (They were bought and given a few weeks after DD was born so they knew breast feeding was established etc.)

They have never asked after me or DD when they've called DH. That's odd to me. As was expecting us to put up 8 of them at our house within a week of DD's traumatic birth. We offered to put them up in a hotel (even though they could easily afford it themselves) but this was refused and DH "punished" by them coming much later for a couple of hours.

Where we could visit either way whenever we liked before DD (3-4 times a year) now it's more awkward. DH wants DD to know her grandparents and cousins etc but they seem determined to make that hard. They just don't really make any effort. It's very alien to me.



Indeed. They can't afford to replace it so that won't happen, and I don't really want to buy a new one if they're going to find it when they finally decide to look for it!!

I think you just revel in your role of martyr. You continually 'put yourself out' and continue to have 'the pee extracted' yet repeat the same process over and over again. You also appear to have the habit of adding adjectives that just aren't necessary, they only serve the purpose of magnifying your victim status.

Above you go on about how his family never ask about you on phone calls....so what. My wife's mother doesn't ask after me on the phone and it doesn't bother me...what would bother me is if she's putting on a facade and making a point of asking after me because she feels she must...


I'd much rather deal with someone who is themselves than someone who asks how I am because they feel they have to, not because they're actually interested in how I am.

mountainofdebt

notanewuser wrote: »

I was interested in others' views. I didn't realise questions had to be justified on here!

I understand that but I would say the majority of people ask your sort of question when there is a difference of opinion between partners and the poster wants justification for the way that they feel or insight into why the partner may feel the way they do.

silvercar

Nicki wrote: »

It's often a very difficult dynamic for grandparents when one child is struggling with infertility and IVF and another child then falls pregnant easily. The couple with fertility issues can frequently be very upset about their own situation and find the grandparents excitement about the siblings child adds to their grief, so the grandparents need to be sensitive all round. That being said when your child was born, all 8 of them within days of the news were ready and willing to travel 250 miles to come and see your new arrival, despite what was going on with their own struggles. It was you who asked them not to come because you didn't want them to stay with you immediately after the birth. That's a valid decision for you to make but perhaps not then fair to accuse them of not being excited enough? How much would transport and hotel accommodation for 8, plus a few days loss of earnings for all the wage earners have cost? Perhaps the projected hotel costs were what tipped the balance?

I agree with this. Once you said it was too much for them to stay with you - understandably, they possibly thought that all 8 visiting so soon may also be too much.

notanewuser

Nicki wrote: »

It's often a very difficult dynamic for grandparents when one child is struggling with infertility and IVF and another child then falls pregnant easily. The couple with fertility issues can frequently be very upset about their own situation and find the grandparents excitement about the siblings child adds to their grief, so the grandparents need to be sensitive all round. That being said when your child was born, all 8 of them within days of the news were ready and willing to travel 250 miles to come and see your new arrival, despite what was going on with their own struggles. It was you who asked them not to come because you didn't want them to stay with you immediately after the birth. That's a valid decision for you to make but perhaps not then fair to accuse them of not being excited enough? How much would transport and hotel accommodation for 8, plus a few days loss of earnings for all the wage earners have cost? Perhaps the projected hotel costs were what tipped the balance?

DH's parents were retired and had no commitments. It was a weekend so none of the others were working. They had nothing on and were prepared to come only if they could stay here. We would happily have paid for them to stay at the hotel down the road - their suggestion when I was about 6 months pregnant (with them paying) but somehow that all changed when DD actually arrived. Whenever any of them come to stay they do NOTHING to help so its a lot of work - something I just couldn't consider at that point in time. I think that's now been twisted unfairly into "they wouldn't let us visit" which doesn't really help. (The hotel would have been around £100 per couple for 2 nights, so £400 in total.)

Only 4 came when they did - including the couple having IVF. Unbeknown to us (but DH's parents knew) they were actually expecting. Baby A arrived 8 months after DD. We visited 2 weeks later and stayed in a hotel, as we now always do when we go up there as nobody has room for us.

ETA - my 81 year old nan travelled 250 miles and stayed in a hotel she paid for herself so as not to burden my mum when DD arrived. They visited for an hour or so each day that they were here (mum and dad lived abroad). That's pretty much my benchmark.

notanewuser

silvercar wrote: »

I agree with this. Once you said it was too much for them to stay with you - understandably, they possibly thought that all 8 visiting so soon may also be too much.

4 came in the end, for the day (10 hours travelling for a 2 hour visit). The others didn't bother and only came for DD's 2nd birthday/naming ceremony because they all stayed here (8 adults, 2 toddlers, 1 dog). I thought that meant there would be lots of help but it just meant waiting on them all hand and foot. At least they brought nappies for their children that time though!

notanewuser

DaveTheMus wrote: »

I think you just revel in your role of martyr. You continually 'put yourself out' and continue to have 'the pee extracted' yet repeat the same process over and over again. You also appear to have the habit of adding adjectives that just aren't necessary, they only serve the purpose of magnifying your victim status.

Above you go on about how his family never ask about you on phone calls....so what. My wife's mother doesn't ask after me on the phone and it doesn't bother me...what would bother me is if she's putting on a facade and making a point of asking after me because she feels she must...


I'd much rather deal with someone who is themselves than someone who asks how I am because they feel they have to, not because they're actually interested in how I am.

I haven't "gone on about" anything, thank you. I don't care about them asking after me, but I do care that they show not one jot of interest in DD. Is that normal? They ask what the weather is doing every bloody time, but never about DD.