Would this bother you?

burnoutbabe

The Tens machine is a specific separate thing to the toys.

I would ask for that back, again and say you really need it returned and point out that you will have to buy a new one if you don't get it back. And then get on and buy a new one if they can't find it.

The rest, i agree with others - if you lend it to one nephew/niece, then the assumption would be it could be used for the younger one too and then returned (unless you fell pregnant in between).

notanewuser

*max* wrote: »

You obviously despise all of them, judging from previous threads, and this one too.

I don't even know why you lent any of them anything in the first place, knowing how you felt about them - unless you like playing the martyr, and showing your husband how bad his family *really* are? Why would you expect anything from people you clearly do not like, except the very behaviour you are trying to show them up on?

That is completely unfair.

I don't despise them AT ALL. I don't understand much of their behaviour since our daughter was born 3 and a bit years ago. They were reasonably normal before that!! We had no idea when we lent them stuff what would happen to it - how could we until we had done it?! DH grew up with 5/8 of these people remember, and even he is unhappy about it!!!

notanewuser

Spendless wrote: »

The only bit I'd be annoyed about is the losing of items. It really wouldn't occur to me as either giver or receiver of a baby item from a sibling that it was only intended for the use of one baby, when the next is on its way when the item has been finished with.

I wouldn't expect my sister to ask me if I was ok with this, because realistically I am not going to answer 'No, I only wanted it used by one other baby'.

I would expect it to be returned after usuage if there wasn't a baby already on it's way or if I was expecting one myself - or had mentioned that I was going to start trying so would like it back.

I only have one sibling so can't comment on the dynamics of family relationships where there's 3+ children, but I suspect it may have been thought that if you were prepared to lend to 2 of your husband's siblings then you would be prepared to do the same for the 3rd one.

While we're talking about siblings, bear in mind that all of these things have been arranged between the unrelated women - ie the sisters-in-law, not the brothers. I don't know whether it makes a difference but there's a degree of separation there. I know A+C's dad wouldn't be able to identify the loaned clothes out of a line up. E's dad claims he didn't know they had the TENS.

notanewuser

Toto wrote: »

I totally understand the principle here, I would be irked too. But, ask yourself what are you likely to get out of this? Honestly I doubt you will see your tens machine again or anything else for that matter. I can see you getting a whole load of stress and a bit of a row with DH about how he isn't supporting you etc.


Is all of this stress and irritation worth it? If it were me (and it has been) I would mentally give the items to the in-laws, all of it. I would release myself from all of the annoyance and look for a way to treat myself to a new tens.

We're not stressed about it really. As I said before I just wanted to gauge what others felt about the situation. DH is probably more upset than me because he feels let down by his blood relatives. I don't think anybody has meant any of it deliberately, but they are (it seems in many ways) exceptionally thoughtless people!!

Spendless

notanewuser wrote: »

While we're talking about siblings, bear in mind that all of these things have been arranged between the unrelated women - ie the sisters-in-law, not the brothers. I don't know whether it makes a difference but there's a degree of separation there. I know A+C's dad wouldn't be able to identify the loaned clothes out of a line up. E's dad claims he didn't know they had the TENS.

I doubt it's seen that way tbh. The females might have arranged it but the items are as much your husbands items as they are yours (ie they belong to baby, so they belong to each parent equally, since baby can't give permission).

My IL's have borrowed kitchen items of mine before. In my head it is 'mine'. If we want to be specific about it they aren't, they belong to mine and husband's household. IL's described the item as having borrowed it from my husband, because it's from their son/brother.

I also wondered if the baby clothing had just got mixed up with a bundle of other stuff. I was 'out of it' when I had eldest, came home from hospital with a pile of clothes that I really couldn't recall who had given what. I took DS to have a photo taken in this really lovely blue and white romper suit. Some weeks later at our friends house, my husband spotted a photo of a baby in the same outfit and made a comment that he hadn't realised the photos were ready. Then our friend told us it wasn't, it was a pic of her baby then 5 years old in the same outfit - she'd given it (or lent it) to us whilst I was in hospital. Without ever seeing that photo, I would never have known it had been passed on, rather than a brand new outfit. If she'd then subsequently asked for it back it would have been the first time I'd have realised where the outfit originated from.

mountainofdebt

notanewuser wrote: »

DH isn't that close to his brothers, but as the eldest was groomed to feel responsible for them all.

That's a really strange choice of word to use......I would have used the phrase brought up

brunettifan

paulineb wrote: »

So shes to leave her husband and move back in with her parents and go back to work full time and all will be well yes?

And why not post on the net about things that are troubling her? People do it every single day on these forums. None of us need to read or respond if we dont care for the subject matter.

Sometimes people just want a bit of a sound off and thats it done.
And if its not done and the threads keep coming well maybe its just a longer period of time that things are challenging them for, doesnt mean they need to uproot themselves and divorce their partner.

Or I think the divorce rate would be through the roof:rotfl:

Perhaps they do, but as an outsider reading a lot of the old threads her dissatisfaction with her lot comes across loud and clear. How long does someone put up with that if they think they are being put upon by a partner, unsupported and taken advantage of or ignored by his family?

We do all sound of but most of us do take stock at some point and either sort out what is causing us to be annoyed and look at what we are doing to add to it, or we take ourselves out of the situation. Looking at the number of thread this is not a recent type of problem, it is not getting better, and the poster is not any more satisfied with her lot than she was a while ago.

Is this too blunt? Sorry, if it is, I haven't quite guaged the level of honesty v level of tact needed on here yet:D

onlyroz

I can see how you're annoyed about the tens machine if you have a specific need for it and your relatives don't seem to know where it is. But the other stuff I'd just chalk up to experience.

I gave my brother our old isofix base because I knew they were expensive and would last fine over several children. I have no intention of asking for it back and I wouldn't really care if he flogged it on eBay or took it to the tip.

HPoirot

It is indeed rude to "forget" about stuff that has been lent and to pass it on to others with no mention to the lender.

As for the OP's other "dissatisfactions" this would be none of my business on this thread unless she asked about it.

valk_scot

notanewuser wrote: »

That's why I ask her for perspective - I don't know whether their "way" is normal and mine not, or whether they're all just very thoughtless!

I think they're just different ways of thinking tbh. It does sound like they've got a very close knit family group going on up there and because you're so far away and don't see them on a daily basis that you and your family are somewhat out of the loop, as were. If you'd been closer in distance and integration then you might well have seen this coming and chosen not to add your items to what they clearly see as the communal equipment pile for all the babies of the family. There's no fault on either side, it's just a different way of doing things.


But now you've got involved in this particular aspect of the extended family dynamic it might be better just to cut your losses and simply not say anything, especially if you've not decided if you're going to go for a second child. You're going to look a bit odd if you demand items back and then later down the line decide not to have a second baby! If you do have the second child it's very probable that you'll get your turn at the whole pile of communal equipment anyway. Unless there's another baby of the same age born and the parents are significantly worse off than you are, then the gracious thing would be to let them have all but your specific items.


I had the oldest baby in our family group btw so I made a very significant contribution to the family baby equipment pile! It mostly rotated back to me at the second baby, which was fine even though everything was several degrees scruffier. And when I had an unexpected third child that was far younger than all the cousins I ended up with enough equipment for triplets, lol, as everyone turned out the attics. As my baby grew out of items I offered them back to the original owners but no-one wanted them. So I put them into various NCT sales and it was agreed I could keep the cash for them, since I'd put so much into the "pot" at the beginning. It wasn't a huge amount of money but it evened things out. The one person that didn't want to join in to this was my SIL btw, she bought all her items new, kept them for a possible second baby and then sold them again when it became clear she couldn't have one. Entirely up to her and no-one felt aggrieved about it.