Would this bother you?

Arlandria606

Yes, this would absolutely annoy me. It's disrespectful on their part to not return lent items, especially since you made it clear they were loans, not gifts. Even if it wasn't made clear, if a friend lent things to me, I would always ask when they wanted it back when I was done with it so that they had the opportunity to clarify if it was in fact meant as a gift. It's more so to pass them on to other people without asking you first (and their sheepish tone when admitting it means they know it), and definitely so to not take care of the items. Some wear and tear is to be expected and accidents happen, but that's no excuse to be careless.

I appreciate your situation - you're now (understandably) annoyed at their behaviour, and you can't easily reconcile things without expressing your annoyance, which makes you the bad guy. It's also potentially worse because it's the in-laws rather than your own family.

Maybe your husband could ask on your behalf? A fictional friend in need of the items might help to both excuse his asking and garner a prompt response.

I would also be reluctant to lend to them again. Yes, it's nice to appreciate the bigger picture, and I'm sure it wasn't done to intentionally upset you, but they certainly weren't considering your wishes and you don't exist to bankroll your in-laws' childbearing decisions. Long-term, I would just not offer - and if they ask, make a joke of it. "Sure, so long as I actually get it back this time. Don't want to have to charge you late fees, hahaha!"

bloolagoon

I don't think the issue is loaning goods (no one ever expects them back in pristine condition) but the fact you have issues with his family. This is just another example of your differences.

I'm from a close family and my children's old goods have passed everywhere and I knew that as it was my upbringing. My husband finds it rude that they didn't ask, he didn't mind but did find it rude.

notanewuser

bloolagoon wrote: »

I don't think the issue is loaning goods (no one ever expects them back in pristine condition) but the fact you have issues with his family. This is just another example of your differences.

I'm from a close family and my children's old goods have passed everywhere and I knew that as it was my upbringing. My husband finds it rude that they didn't ask, he didn't mind but did find it rude.

I'd find it unacceptable whoever it was to be honest. That they've done other bizarre/selfish/thoughtless stuff doesn't really impact on this situation.

The fact that its winding my husband - who will usually find some way to defend his family - up speaks volumes I think.

System

Yes it would annoy me too and I think your inlaws have been very thoughtless but to be honest, I wouldn't have lent things out in the first place if there was a chance I was going to need them again because I like to keep my things in good condition and if you let someone else borrow them theres no saying what state they will come back in. If there was no chance I'd need them again I'd either give them away or sell them.

nearlyrich

Having read several threads about your "awful" in-laws I am surprised you lent them anything in the first place. They do keep fulfilling your expectations that they will let you down and annoy you don't they?

Nicki

I have to be honest and say if I wasn't planning on having another child, or was planning such a big gap between my children, then it wouldn't bother me in the slightest if family used my baby equipment for as many children as they liked. If and when I did have another I would simply expect them to give back what was still usable of my stuff plus whatever stuff they had bought for themselves they no longer needed, and I would then top up with essentials.

Thinking about common things to pass on, the carseat should be replaced if it is more than 5 years old irrespective of how many children it has been used for, for safety reasons. Cot mattresses would also need to be replaced. Clothing may be for the wrong sex or just quite outdated by the time OP's next child comes along. Feeding stuff like bottles and dummies can't really be passed on from child to child, and sterilisers and breast pumps etc are what they are whether they are used and a bit scruffy on the exterior or not. So we are left pretty much with the toys, and here I would expect there to be some to come from the inlaws which didn't originally belong to the OP so she will make up her losses from there. Oh and the pushchair but these change so much over time and improve so much that to be honest OP probably would want a new one for her new baby anyway.

Rather than get in a tizz about what is done and can't be undone, why not think of a way to move on from here. I would say to the inlaws that you are starting to think of having another child and could they start to put baby stuff aside for you as their children no longer need it, and definitely don't pass any of your stuff on to third parties, and you will collect outgrown stuff each time you visit. If they have finished their families, I suspect they will be glad to get the baby stuff cleared out of their houses anyway. OP can then inspect what comes back and decide what is worth keeping and what has been used to destruction. If there is something which she really wants which has come back worn out, then she could pleasantly ask for that item to be gifted to her new for her new baby when the time comes. If OP isn't going to have another baby however, there is no point in her inlaws replacing the equipment, and as she offered to lend it to the first sister free, it would be wrong to expect them now to pay for the usage of it IMO just because it had been used for more than one child.

mumps

GobbledyGook wrote: »

Ha! Sounds like your neighbour could be related to the 'friend' of mine. I found out when she told me how shocked she was that her sister had managed to sell the pram for over £250 even though it was second hand. She even commented that it must have cost me a fortune. One of my regrets to this day is that I was too gobsmacked to say anything much to her (although needless to say she's not a friend anymore after I deliberately drifted away from her and I never leant her anything again!).

Almost identical thing happened to me, sil borrowed my pram, then told me she had let a friend have it and when I told them I was pregnant with baby no 2 I was told the pram was wrecked. I was also gob smacked. I had a new pram for baby and then sil got pregnant again and asked if she could borrow my second pram. I said I had already promised it to my sister who was pregnant. Problem with in laws is you always seem to get them blame if it gets nasty, well I do, so had to bite my lip.

mumps

notanewuser wrote: »

How would that work then?

We'd just end up the bad guys!

That is what is so annoying, you do something nice and either end up feeling like a mug or with people thinking you are the problem. I sympathise but don't know the solution.

notanewuser

Nicki wrote: »

I have to be honest and say if I wasn't planning on having another child, or was planning such a big gap between my children, then it wouldn't bother me in the slightest if family used my baby equipment for as many children as they liked. If and when I did have another I would simply expect them to give back what was still usable of my stuff plus whatever stuff they had bought for themselves they no longer needed, and I would then top up with essentials.

Stuff doesn't get passed "upwards" in DH's family.

And again, would it be okay with you if you lent it for 1 child - possibly 2 at a stretch - and it ended up a mess because 5/10/20 babies used it? There's a difference between lending and giving. We lent.

Nicki wrote: »

Thinking about common things to pass on, the carseat should be replaced if it is more than 5 years old irrespective of how many children it has been used for, for safety reasons.

Yes, but the isofix base (almost £100 new) should be fine. And I didn't lend the seat and tell them to use it as much as they liked and give it back when they felt like it. It should be our decision when to get rid of it, not theirs to wear things out for us!

Nicki wrote: »

Cot mattresses would also need to be replaced.

DD's cot was an heirloom and far too precious to lend out.

Nicki wrote: »

Clothing may be for the wrong sex or just quite outdated by the time OP's next child comes along.

Babygros don't really date, do they? That's all DD wore for 6 months. And being neutral they would work for a baby of either sex. As I said, they were immaculate when lent. I expected to lose a few to stains or whatever but have had NONE back in 2.5 years. If i did have another child I doubt I'd be getting 6 months worth of babygros from the inlaws!

Nicki wrote: »

Feeding stuff like bottles and dummies can't really be passed on from child to child, and sterilisers and breast pumps etc are what they are whether they are used and a bit scruffy on the exterior or not.

Didn't use bottles or dummies.

Nicki wrote: »

So we are left pretty much with the toys, and here I would expect there to be some to come from the inlaws which didn't originally belong to the OP so she will make up her losses from there.

It's only 1 toy of significance. Any other toys passed on I don't want back. I daresay they've long since been binned anyway.

Nicki wrote: »

Oh and the pushchair but these change so much over time and improve so much that to be honest OP probably would want a new one for her new baby anyway.

I was still using the pram when most of the others arrived, and having spent close to £1k on it, I absolutely will be using it if we have any further children.

Nicki wrote: »

Rather than get in a tizz about what is done and can't be undone, why not think of a way to move on from here. I would say to the inlaws that you are starting to think of having another child

We're not.

Nicki wrote: »

and could they start to put baby stuff aside for you as their children no longer need it, and definitely don't pass any of your stuff on to third parties,

The third party is one of the inlaws!

Nicki wrote: »

and you will collect outgrown stuff each time you visit. If they have finished their families,

I doubt they have.

Nicki wrote: »

I suspect they will be glad to get the baby stuff cleared out of their houses anyway. OP can then inspect what comes back and decide what is worth keeping and what has been used to destruction.

I actually don't want to see the things bought with my hardearned and loaned with the best of intentions if they've been used to destruction!

Nicki wrote: »

If there is something which she really wants which has come back worn out, then she could pleasantly ask for that item to be gifted to her new for her new baby when the time comes.

They barely acknowledge DD, they're not going to shower another one with gifts!

Nicki wrote: »

If OP isn't going to have another baby however, there is no point in her inlaws replacing the equipment, and as she offered to lend it to the first sister free, it would be wrong to expect them now to pay for the usage of it IMO just because it had been used for more than one child.

As I've said, I can write some of it off. It's not about the money.

notanewuser

nearlyrich wrote: »

Having read several threads about your "awful" in-laws I am surprised you lent them anything in the first place. They do keep fulfilling your expectations that they will let you down and annoy you don't they?

In the last 2.5 years, absolutely!

Before that we didn't have to be so "involved" with them.