Family and housing help needed

Amara

I'm my own dad's words 'I am nothing because I am a divorced single lady, 'if I get married again I become his daughter and my son becomes his grandson again'
:eek::eek::eek:
I haven't got any advice, but move out. Please. And quick.

Mojisola

Laney2515 wrote: »

I renovated his house to a more liveable standard fitting and paying for kitchen, bathroom, patio, front and rear upvc doors, part double glazing, conservatory, gas main fitted to enable central heating, decorating and carpet.

Also I paid for all bills except for council tax which he pays for. I do all the cleaning, washing,gardening and furnishing and all household items.

Can you see that he is treating you worse than a servant?

A servant would at least get some pay but you're doing all the work and paying all his bills!

He has no respect or love for you.

moneyistooshorttomention

Listen to Mojisola. She's been a carer for quite some time (in a loving family set-up in her case) and she knows what she's talking about to feel that way about it.

You've had some good advice too from other people. Certainly investigate the suggestions put forward by BigAunty as well.

Take care.

Mojisola

moneyistooshorttomention wrote: »

Listen to Mojisola. She's been a carer for quite some time (in a loving family set-up in her case) and she knows what she's talking about to feel that way about it.

I am very lucky in that my parents both appreciated what I was able to do for them. Both sides of the family have very strong ties and work together to help whoever needs it but the love and respect flows both ways.

No-one has the right to treat another family member like dirt - to do so while they are caring for them and funding their life is despicable.

SnooksNJ

Laney2 wrote: »

I do all the house work and cleaning and provide all the items needed, washing cooking gardening etc. He could not cope on his own before I moved in with him-this being the main reason I did it. The house was in a bad state of repair, my dad had become a hoarder so house was in poor state. He was in a pretty poor mental state. Had no hot running water and only form of heating was a wood burning stove. I used to take him meals up, do his washing and try and tidy up a bit when I didn't live there. When I brought this up, my dad said Whoopy-do' . My brother to this day states; 'He was happy' I have tried to get him assessed for dementia, but the test they did he had no problem with ;dates adding numbers etc' my dad is a very clever and intelligent man. My brother is very clever too.

Be clever too. Get a lawyer and start documenting everything.

isthatreduced

I would get the meters changed to key meters i.e pay as you go.
Then if he wants utilities when you are both out working and at college and it runs out he will have to pay.
It will make it easier for you to leave as it is pay as you go,as a bill cannot be run up.

moneyistooshorttomention

The one other thought that I have is that I wonder whether this "rent" money father pays brother is being handed over by one hand and then received back in the other hand iyswim?

Is brother keeping that "rent" money or finding some way to hand it back to father later "by the back door"?

I guess its being assumed that brother is keeping that £200 per month...but this may or may not be the case. Father may not have as little income left in his hands by Grasping Brother as it looks...

I've seen monies handed over within a family kept by the receiver when one person handed them over, but handed back again when another member of the family handed theirs over. So one person in the family got "paid back", but the other one didn't.

Sometimes that can happen in a family where the two adult "children" are treated unequally....and that particular "cat can be let out of the bag" some years down the line.

There may well be other facts that are being kept from you....after all both father and brother kept the house ownership pretty darn quiet for years....

BigAunty

isthatreduced wrote: »

I would get the meters changed to key meters i.e pay as you go.
Then if he wants utilities when you are both out working and at college and it runs out he will have to pay.
It will make it easier for you to leave as it is pay as you go,as a bill cannot be run up.

Firstly, key meters are expensive. Secondly, he'll probably just sit in the dark waiting for her to come back and feed the meter - he has no means to do this, thanks to being milked by his son, and believes its his daughter's role to support him financially.

The OP needs to regain her pride, independence and freedom. She can still pop by and help her father regularly when living elsewhere without being sucked into inheritance blackmail and spending on her disposable income on him.

moneyistooshorttomention

I think another thing that strikes me is that if father wasn't using the "daughter is a woman and a divorcee too" argument within his own little head to justify this differing treatment of his two "children" he would likely find another one.

I can think of a family I know, for instance, where the different treatment wasn't down to the worse-treated one being a daughter and the other one being a son. The "reason" in that case boiled down, it would appear, to the daughter being more intelligent/capable than the son. "Oh well, she is better able to look after herself":cool:. When it became clear that the son was actually doing better for himself despite that it then changed to "Oh well....he has children and she doesn't".

Parents can and do make up "reasons" for differential treatment in their heads and will only work their way through a list of different "reasons" if it becomes plain that one doesn't actually apply at all.

If a parent doesn't like their "child"...they don't like "their child" and there is nothing that can be done and they will maintain differential treatment regardless and its just a case of "banging your head against a brick wall" to think otherwise. Best to accept the fact as well as possible and move on.