Family and housing help needed

moneyistooshorttomention

As Charlie says: it does sound like your brother is a master manipulator. I think you may well be right that you do need to move out, as you put it "for your own sanity". He is only going to carry on and on trying to convince you that things are different to the way they actually are. I think Charlie may have correctly identified the situation as a similar mentally abusive situation to the one she was in by the sound of it (if with different relationships involved).

It can't be good to have someone applying pressure to you to try and convince you that you are wrong in your thinking...when actually it sounds as if you are seeing things quite clearly from where I'm standing.

moneyistooshorttomention

"Gift with reservation"...so THAT is the excuse your brother uses to get rent out of your father to live in his own house!

That's something I've never heard of before and another thing it would be good to discuss with a solicitor.

It may be that the Council may still find a way round things to get some money out of that house to pay for your fathers Care Home (should he ever need one in the future) and despite that 7 year rule.

Your brother does sound like he's pretty much worked things out okay...entirely to suit himself. The one thing he probably hasn't made contingency plans for is if his unpaid carer for Dad (ie you) moves out. Hence he will doubtless be trying to mess with your head and convince you its your duty to stay there with Dad (but on HIS terms) and trying to make you feel guilty. He's obviously succeeded in making you feel guilty.

If you do move out...then your brother will just have to come up with a Plan B to ensure your father is cared for (IF he is that concerned about it) and if that means moving your father into his home then it does and on his head be it. Brother is doubtless giving you all sorts of "reasons" just why father couldn't move into his home with him. Ignore them. If he says "There isn't enough room" then reply with "Make room then...have the kids share a room or convert your dining room".

Laney2

My brother is actually the one who wants me out :-/ I'm not sure if he thinks our dad needs any care as he hasn't had to be in the situation to give it.

moneyistooshorttomention

Laney2 wrote: »

My brother is actually the one who wants me out :-/ I'm not sure if he thinks our dad needs any care as he hasn't had to be in the situation to give it.

In that case then...I would be thinking along lines of making out a diary of a typical week/month detailing off exactly what you have done for your father and what amount of time it took to do it.

Maybe a letter from someone like a doctor stating the condition your fathers help is in might help convince him?

He is obviously supremely unwilling to be convinced. I can imagine it would be quite easy for someone not actually living there to wilfully blind themselves to just how much is involved in caring for your father.

Hmmm...next thought being that I am wondering whether it might help convince both your brother and your father just how much you are actually doing if you were to go and have a holiday break somewhere. Do you have a friend or relative you could go stay and with for a week or two elsewhere in the country? That would give you a much-needed break and chance of some clear headspace to think things through more clearly/have a rest and might help bring the message home a bit to brother and father of how much you are doing.

What's that jokey comment that housewives make about the man coming home from a day at work to find mess everywhere, the kids fighting, the cat had been sick (well it was some sort of similar scenario) and the husband asking what had happened to create such a scene of chaos. The wife's reply was to the effect of "The easiest way to let you see that I don't sit doing nothing all day was to have a day where I didn't do anything"?

EDIT: if you cant immediately think of someone friendly to stay with...then even one of those few days worth of break that people sometimes have in one of those holiday caravan parks somewhere and they fund it by cutting coupons out of the newspapers that print them (think its the Sun newspaper that does these?).

ERICS_MUM

Is it possible your brother wants you out so he can then get your father out, maybe into a home ? This would give your brother vacant possession of the house, obviously easier to sell and worth more. Does brother have 'power of attorney" for your dad ?

Finally I hope you don't mind me asking but is this be a "cultural issue", e.g. Do you belong to a faith/religion where men are seen as head of the house - father/husband/brother depending on the woman's circumstances ?

Anyway whatever the reasons, please please please seek legal advice. I'm shocked at your situation and i wish you all the best for the struggle that lies ahead for you.

Laney2

The only cultural reasons are that my dad is just a very chauvinistic and sexist person. He was an only child and vet selfish in his ways. My brother is turning into him- not so chauvinistic but very controlling and manipulative.

Laney2

I do not know any of my dad's finances etc I would say my brother has already got power of attorney.

moneyistooshorttomention

That thought had crossed my mind wondering about if its a cultural issue...as this just isn't the way modern Britain "works"....but I thought it was most likely that your father is just a particularly old-fashioned British man.

Laney2

Thankyou for all your input. It's nice to get impartial views.

Mojisola

If your father is paying rent to your brother in order to avoid the "gift with reservation" IHT problems, then he is a landlord and should be complying with all the relevant laws as well as declaring the rent he receives in his tax return.

You've been totally suckered by your brother and father. It's your choice now whether you cut your losses or carry on being a mug because the man who thinks so little of you won't be able to care for himself if you go?