So confused......

Naya

claire16c wrote: »

Are you his girlfriend or his slave?

The best Christmas present you will get this year is dumping him.

For the time being, more like slave but he has said I will get a better man than him....he thinks I cannot leave him but I will have to prove him wrong ....will be tough but need to do it...
Thanks

go_cat

If you find yourself swaying back.....come back on here and we will sort you out

paulineb_2

Naya wrote: »

For the time being, more like slave but he has said I will get a better man than him....he thinks I cannot leave him but I will have to prove him wrong ....will be tough but need to do it...
Thanks

It wont be tough, it will be much easier than you think. I promise you that. Much easier.

thorsoak

Naya wrote: »

Good afternoon everyone....


I need some advice and hope someone could help me...I will cut a long story short as much as possible....


Here it goes:


I have been going out with someone for 15 months after promising myself that I will not go thru this again but thought of giving relationship another go...but this one is so confusing...


My boyfriend who I will refer to as X has some strange behaviour should I say....It was going fine in the beginning and I did my best to adjust to the strange behaviours as such
1. Do not talk to X in the morning as he needs to think
2. Do not hold his hand or walk next to him when we are out together, I should follow...
3. Do not point at anything when talking to him or hold anything to show him - it's apparently childish behaviour
4. Do not call him darling as it's so cheap and low life
5. He apparently is re-educating me because I'm stupid and because I do not hold any Masters in anything, I should learn to communicate and behave in front of his family, who I will meet one day apparently... ( I take no notice of that one...)


But lately, he has become I should say so selfish that I am questioning the whole relationship:


We were living near each other for almost 6 months then he had to move because of work...X is contracted and it went sour with his last employer for some reason and X blames me for that....He was off work for a month and I did my best to help and support him as he was becoming a recluse.....he then told me that his ex-employer is withholding his salary and will not pay him as he owes them some days he took as annual leave and I lent him some money to bridge over until his next job started. He then explained that his new employer cannot put him on their books as his ex-employer is not releasing him from his contract until these due days are covered. I believed him again and continue supporting .... He is now 8 months in his new job and he claims he still has not been paid by either new or ex-employer.
He borrowed my car a few times.....sometimes for a whole week and I need my car for work but thought I need to help him to get this issue sorted asap. X then asked me to get a second car as he will pay for it since his family has given him some money. I started to look for a small car and when it was time to buy the car he told me don't worry I don't need your car anymore, so no need for a second car. But he borrowed my car again last week.


I also have to do his shopping as he works long shift and do not have time....a few weeks back I went to drop his shopping 1hr30 mins drive....he got upset with me because I said I did not want to go out to eat anything, which I pay for everytime and he said he does not want the shopping either. I got so annoyed as I have spent money that I am short of to be wasted... so I set off for home and he calls me, asking me to bring the food back and paid me the £30 I asked for, that was the first time I asked him to pay as I was getting fed up of feeding him. Oh , I cannot go in his flat as his contract does not allow visitors apparently...


Also, when X needs the car I need to drop it at his and take the train home, he even cannot pick the car from me....to return the car he comes to my house, I then need to go back and drop him home...journey of 90 mins, which I believed 2 are a waste of time. Before I had to pay for fuel too but now I refuse to.


Last week....I drop the car to him and was telling him about a loan I applied for to consolidate some CC debts, which I will not take as it's working more expensive....he had the cheek to tell me to take the loan for him as it would be of great help to him...I told him no as I do not want it, it's too expensive and will be secured on my house for 15 years. He said that if I trust him, I will do it....he said he will give me a cheque to cash when he gets paid.....whatever was my thought...


I needed to go to hospital early December and I needed him to pick me up as I would not be able to drive afterwards. It was all arranged....then when it was time to pick me he called and said he has just had an accident and broke 2 ribs. I told him I'll come to the hospital right away and he refused...he then did not call for a whole week, which is normal...afterwards he accused me of not caring for him...
If someone broke 2 ribs early December, would they have been healed as he is driving again....


Anyway, I have started to think that he is using me and has done so for the last 15 months...he does not want to take the relationship further or commit to anything, money he borrows, does not get returned so I have written off anything I have gave him so far...lesson re-learnt about trusting/believing people.


I cannot get my head round someone not getting paid for almost a year....how can that be possible...


Sorry for the long post....


Any thoughts welcomed....

My thoughts? HE IS TAKING YOU FOR A SUCKER!

Walk away from this toxic relationship NOW ....if not sooner!

Naya

Laurajo wrote: »

I don't think it is possible.

I think he is lying, manipulative and you are being taken advantage of. Totally agree....

It sounds like this relationship is very one sided. I would also query the reason for not being allowed at his flat and not being 'allowed' to meet hs family. It all screams of him hiding something. I've been thinking of the same but cannot prove it...

I'm not usually a 'get rid' sort of person, but you definately need to take a step back from this relationship. He has serious issues which need to be addressed. hahaha will do

Also, please don't take this the wrong way, but you seem to have been a little naive (that's not exactly the word I want, but I can't think of a better one) to let him get away with this appalling behaviour. I don't mean this as a criticism in the slightest, I just wonder if there are maybe confidence or self esteem issues behind your previous acceptance of this awful behaviour?

Oh I don't mind, I deserve...stems from a bad relationship before, and I started to think that I was the one to blame....So decided to do everything to please but that is not working either...

Maz

So confused.......? The only thing I'm confused about is why you are allowing this vermin to control your life and treat you like a piece of carp?

Do yourself a massive favour and bin him, pronto.

*max*

Naya wrote: »

Thanks for the kick ....I need to get myself out of it....

You think?? :eek:

Jesus wept...I don't know how you bore this for 15 months. He's treating you like a slave, like a complete mug, and you keep going back for more. What do you even find in him??? Unbelievable....Break up with the psychopath, do it today!

Naya

xbrenx wrote: »

Oh my goodness. The bit about walking behind him is soooo wrong, that goes back to the days of women being lesser beings I believe. Hubby and I use that as a joke occasionally if one or other isn't keeping up but in your case he is completely degrading you by requesting you do that.

Please tell me you're asking for confirmation that you need to leave this man. He will drag you down so badly, don't let him, hold your head high and move on before you feel you're trapped.

I'm so sorry.
Hugsssss x

In a way yes....just wanted to re-affirm that I was not mad and needed to hear from others....a little comfort lol....

paulineb_2

Oh and people like him and my two exes were nice in the beginning, this is often the issue. People are nice to you, in my case one of my exes, the first one was nice to me for a long time and then it unravelled at a speed of knots and I didnt even notice it. I remember a friend saying to my mum, that the guy concerned was always putting me down in public, I didnt even see it.

When something has been ok, then the person starts to turn on you and you question it, you get the blame, its you, its you, its you.

When Im aware that I have faults but it wasnt all me, there is no way that a relationship goes wrong and one person is completely faultless and if that does happen, Id suggest its the minority. But people treat you terribly and then say its you, you start to question yourself. Big time

I think both my exes have some kind of mental health problem/personality disorder because their way of viewing the world was just so off centre. Something really awful could happen to me and Id be questioned about what it was about me, what I did to cause it.

And people dont come with a flashing great sign on their head saying, Im a bit of a loonball, but when you do work out whats going on, leave. Dont get into extended discussions about it. Ditch the number from your phone, block it, dont respond to emails and dont contact him again.

You wont change him, he wont change and you'll end up with damaged self esteem/confidence/worth. Leave.

clarryd

Naya, as per Paulineb and go cat say it wont be hard you will feel alive and free once you have done the deed.

The weight will be lifted off your shoulders.

You know this behaviour is not right or you wouldn't be wanting to discuss it with us.

I have been there for very different reasons and I was expecting my first child. I walked away for my sake and my child.