So confused......

duchy

Did you finish the relationship and agreed to help him "as a friend" or are you still "his girlfriend" ?

If he really wants to change (and the relationship is still on)- suggest a break .....for two months - during which time he gets counseling . During that period of not seeing him at all -reassess your own life - Best scenario he has a complete personality change (not holding my breath on this one ) worst scenario you've made him take a look at himself.....and also rediscovered yourself and realized you don't need someone who doesn't see relationships as you do and are getting on with your life.

Otherwise - move house and change your number

Seriously he's going to try to be super nice for a while ...... but once he's got you back where he wants you he'll slip back to his old ways. Don't be sucked in. Get rid and stay rid. You'll probably find your friend's comments interesting now you've dumped him -they will tell you what they really thought of him !

ska_lover

Naya wrote: »

Hi everyone


I'm still there, read the posts though not logged in and thanks so much for your support...I've been keeping low lately because there has been some developments - some good but mostly bad. I've told him how I felt and it ended up with a massive argument... He has apologised and asked me to help him, which I find hard to swallow as to me it is just the calm before the storm. I am staying put though and not giving in.


Been going out with friends and doing things round the house to keep myself busy....

By helping him, you are breaking yourself

You could waste years of your life with this looser and then end up with no self esteem, OR walk away now with your head high.

Id completely cut him out of my life, no calls, no conversations no nothing. He is not Mr Right, there is no point whatsoever in holding on, other than to cause yourself misery

AcidHouse

Hi Naya, I hope you can stick to no contact.
Regardless of what he says or does, don't respond at all.
You don't owe him any explanations for your decision or another second of your precious time, he's sucked enough of your life from you already. Responding to him just lets him keep his foot in the door so he can start worming his way back to using you again.
Reclaim your dignity and self-respect by completely ignoring this scumbag and keeping him out of your life for good.
I wish you well for 2014.
Look after yourself
Good luck x

Naya

Hi all,


Just to let you all know that the relationship has been over for some time now and just need to get a key back, which he is using to blackmail me with. He said he will cause trouble at my work but I don't know to what extent it is true.

Alikay

Naya wrote: »

Just to let you all know that the relationship has been over for some time now and just need to get a key back, which he is using to blackmail me with. He said he will cause trouble at my work but I don't know to what extent it is true.

Don't allow yourself to be blackmailed: Get a locksmith in. Even if he does give the key back, he may well have had another one cut.

Regarding trouble at work - just make sure that your workmates know you've split up and there's some animosity between you, then if he does try any funny business they'll be aware he's being vindictive. You don't need to go into detail with them : A simple "X and I split up in January, and he's being a bit difficult" should suffice.

paulineb_2

Naya wrote: »

Hi all,


Just to let you all know that the relationship has been over for some time now and just need to get a key back, which he is using to blackmail me with. He said he will cause trouble at my work but I don't know to what extent it is true.

Blackmail you? How? Tell him to sod off and if he doesnt you'll be asking the police to have a word in his ear re the blackmail.

Naya

paulineb wrote: »

Blackmail you? How? Tell him to sod off and if he doesnt you'll be asking the police to have a word in his ear re the blackmail.

He has told me to call the police if I want and he is threatening that he will call the police saying that I am harassing him. Haha

paulineb_2

Naya wrote: »

He has told me to call the police if I want and he is threatening that he will call the police saying that I am harassing him. Haha

Well call them if he keeps it up. Stop the contact with him, as someone else said, get a replacement key. The less contact you have with this person the better, dont keep the lines of communication open, its not productive.

Naya

paulineb wrote: »

Well call them if he keeps it up. Stop the contact with him, as someone else said, get a replacement key. The less contact you have with this person the better, dont keep the lines of communication open, its not productive.

Will definitely do that...

Jenniefour

Hi there Naya,

Got on this thread very late. You've been given some excellent, solid advice. If you want to understand a bit more about the process you've been through - which is extremely abusive - then do a Google search on Narcissistic Personality Disorder and relationships. I think you, and others who have had similar experiences, will recognise the patterns described in some of the articles you can read.

Essentially, they seem like the perfect guy when you meet them - very attentive, interested etc. Mr Perfect. Seductive and charming. But this is so they can find out what makes you tick in order to get their supply of adoration and attention, gain the upper hand, know your weak spots (which will definitely be used against you later) so they can manipulate you for their own ends. Over - idealisation carried out by above i.e. 'love bombing'. Then they start the next stage - devaluation - by put downs which gradually makes inroads into your self worth and confidence. Aimed at showing you what an inferior person you are - and how superior they are. They often try to isolate partners/wives from their own families and friends - cutting off support systems, makes their partners more vulnerable and dependent on them. They lack empathy. They can be serially unfaithful - because one attentive woman is not enough to fill a bottomless pit and they may be setting up your replacement prior to leaving you. In fact they rarely leave without having a replacement in the wings. On the other hand, if you decide to end the relationship they will try to prevent you leaving by whatever means they believe you are most vulnerable to - threatening, coercing, turning on the charm, acting the Victim and so on. Leaving these guys is potentially the most dangerous time - partly because they are vengeful and hate it when they're not calling the shots. You are not allowed to leave - it has to be their decision, not yours. And they will still try to screw you over in whatever way they can anyway.

This guy is not going to let go if he can help it - this way he's staying in control of you - so try to maintain a total no contact, do not let yourself be pulled into any dialogue of any kind whatsoever. Get the locks changed as soon as possible. You need to think about continuing to protect yourself from him, as others have wisely said. No matter what he does or threatens to do do not engage or allow him to get into any emotional blackmail whatsoever. If he directly threatens you call the police.

They are ill and need professional treatment. Love can't help these people. They leave a trail of relationship destruction behind them. Over the years I have known a few women who have been in a relationship with men with some form of this disorder, and they (the men who have NPD) always do endings badly in some way - they are incapable of saying 'fair enough, it's not working, let's call it a day'. Their game is getting their supply of attention and adoration, and being in total control. You are there to meet their needs - your needs are not important to them and will only be met if doing so happens to meet their needs as well. They do not know how to have a healthy relationship - even though this will often not be apparent when you first meet them - they can be very skilled at presenting what you want to see/hear and this is part of the way they function. Mr Charming. Until they know they have you hooked.

Please look after yourself, and I wish you all the very best for the future