Tricky situation with child

RAS

Jobseeeker wrote: »

It will be nowhere near as tight as it is for a student. £11k and a variety of benefits is a lot more than a student gets. Fair enough she was in halls in 1st year and that is cheap but now rent and bills in a flat is very expensive. Everyone here is saying she should get a job, I was assuming she had one but the OP hasn't stated either way. I think a lot of people on this board didn't go to Uni and won't understand how hard it is. I remember a girl being hospitalised for malnutrition because she had no food/money. She'd come out of care so she also got full loan, doesn't mean you're rich.

A lot of us have actually been there and done that (lived on grants and loans). Her parent shave already helped by paying her accomodaqtion deposit.

Their income is £11K plus DLA and ESA (likely to be income based), so not massive.

Like many parents they have recently fallen off the Child Benefit/Child Tax credit cliff and income is likely to eb a lot lower than this time last year.

supersaver2

RAS wrote: »

A lot of us have actually been there and done that (lived on grants and loans). Her parent shave alreadyt helped by paying her accomodaqtion deposit.

Their income is £11K plus DLA and ESA (likely to be income based), so not massive.

Like many parents they have recently fallen off the Child Benefit/Child Tax credit cliff and income is likely to eb a lot lower than this time last year.

I should imagine they would clear some WTC on an income that low also. They may well be struggling after losing child related benefits as you mention above, this seems to be quite common.

Melaniep101

OP - I can really sympathise, as we are going through a similar situation with my 19 year old. She started Uni in September,in halls, that we're paying for. The rest is being funded by her with the help of student loans.

When she left in September, we noticed a huge drop in our grocery shopping bill, electric, gas, petrol etc, not to mention that life was suddenly less stressful, the house stayed tidy, and my make up/clothes stayed in my room! Although the accommodation fees (£1250 every 3 months) are crippling us financially, we are finding that the visits home are more frequent and longer than we thought. She came back for Christmas on Saturday, but isn't back at Uni til the end of January! That's six whole weeks that we're effectively paying double rent for her!

On the last visit, she came home with a suitcase full of washing as "washing clothes is expensive", no !!!!!! Sherlock, we could have told her that! Nice of her to bring it home for us to pay for though. She's also in the habit of not bothering to bring her own toiletries, but choosing to use mine (of which are my one small luxury in life).

They do seem to compare themselves to people with rich parents that can afford everything, we get the old "everyones parents are picking them up" after a last minute request that we drive an hour and a half to collect her and her huge suitcase of dirty washing.

OP - You're not being unfair, sound like her expectations need to be reset and she needs to be reminded that she is an adult now, therefore she has financial responsibility for herself. SHe is being very unfair to expect you to pay up for her luxuries, she needs to get a part time job and help you out. And don't feel bad that you moved away, thats her tough luck and you have every right to live where you want to!

My daughter did announce that she'll be working at Tesco while shes home and has offered to chip in, so I will take a token amount from her. Not that I want her to feel that we want her money, but more to teach her that she can look after herself now and pay her own way.

You don't owe your daughter anything OP, and she needs to realise that she's an adult now.

crumblepie

Haven't read all the replies but when I was a student and went home I'd only stay a week or so at a time. My parents were poor and finances were tight. We'd go food shopping and I'd pay for the shop which would include 'normal' day to day food and my veggie food for the time I was there. Any fancy extras I would pay for and wouldn't expect my parents to pay for them.

I'd normally pay something towards the petrol that was used to take me to and from the train station. I'd have had to had to pay for a taxi otherwise which would be much more expensive.

FBaby

What utter nonsense
She's hardly a pauper if she's bought the new PS- in facr her disposable income based on full grant plus the extra grand bursary is probably more than her parent's .

It has nothing to do with who is richer but with expectations. As BitterAndTwister said, the girl is probably totally oblivious to the situation, and that is because OP has not shared her situation with her daughter.

What is the point of going shopping with your daughter, letting daughter pick items she probably used to enjoy and looked forward to having again, to then resent her for it and decide that she would ask her for money to make up for it. Why oh why say to daugher during that shopping trip 'sorry darling, I know you'd like those items, but unfortunately, things are a bit tight now that our financial situation has changed and I just can't afford to buy these items. Maybe you are able to pay for these specific items yourself?'

What I find sad is to let the daughter (referred to as a child in title.....) do all the things she is being accused of, and then is bitterly expected to pay a set amount of money to make up for it. It is OP's fault for not communicating with her daughter properly that she is now feeling upset or angry. Even better than waiting until she was back £100 down because of daughter and just informed her before coming down of what the current situation was and that she would not be able to take her to her friends as often as she might like unless she helped with petrol costs. If she then had a tantrum about it, I would say she was spoilt, but to request money after she was let to believe that she would get all those things from her parents as before is just not, from my perspective, very motherly, regardless of the age of the 'child'.

BitterAndTwisted

I honestly didn't get from the OP that she was thinking about asking her daughter retrospectively for payment of those extra costs. Just that when she comes home in the summer then the support can't be what it is now.

That seems utterly fair to me given their circumstances.

SuzieSue

OP, I think the main problem is that your daughter doesn't realise how tight things are for you and why should she if you haven't told her?

She is old enough to know your income and outgoings. I knew my parents' finances from the age of around 12 and so I knew what they could and couldn't afford. Things were very tight for them until my mother went to work when I was 15 when their finances improved significantly.

I think you should be totally honest with her so that she will understand why you are charging her for food etc and so that she doesn't resent you for it.

FBaby

BitterAndTwisted wrote: »

I honestly didn't get from the OP that she was thinking about asking her daughter retrospectively for payment of those extra costs. Just that when she comes home in the summer then the support can't be what it is now.

That seems utterly fair to me given their circumstances.

But that's the point. Why allowing in the first place if they couldn't afford it? They let it go one week, then letting it go again this time, but then seeming to be growing resentful of it and deciding to ask for money as a reaction to her behaviour rather than as a preventive measure so that everyone knew where they stood from the start.

I suppose I struggle to understand OP position because if it was my daughter, I would have something from the minute she was piling food in the trolley, or turning the heating on, and if required, brought the subject of her needing to contribute from the moment she left for Uni.

FBaby

She is old enough to know your income and outgoings. I knew my parents' finances from the age of around 12 and so I knew what they could and couldn't afford.

I totally agree with that. I discuss money with my children (13 and 10) as a matter of everyday life discussion. They roughtly know how much we earn, what our mortgage is and that this year, we won't be going on many outings so that we can save for a lovely holiday.

If you don't inform your children of your financial situation, or worse you chose to protect them from it, they can't be expected to know their parents's financial restriction and act accordingly.

jellyhead

Was the heating issue there beforehand, when she was taking her A levels? I would never have dared to touch the thermostat in my parent's house, it's just not something that would have occurred to me. We used to fight for space around the gas fire.

I think it's the difference in circumstances that's causing the problem, because most of us who were paying our own share of things as teenagers grew up poor and knew that our parents couldn't afford luxuries.

OP's daughter has probably never had to consider costs before now.