Tricky situation with child

aileth

Bennifred wrote: »

:eek: Good grief! They didn't bring her up very well, did they? Talk about reaping what you sow..........

Well I like to think I turned out all right, so they certainly aren't that bad.

Unfortunately, she is the youngest and last child and got spoilt within an inch of her life. They are now suffering for it, big time.

Mojisola

FBaby wrote: »

Really? I must live on another planet, one where my desire to make my children happy doesn't stop when they turn 18.

aileth wrote: »

Unfortunately, she is the youngest and last child and got spoilt within an inch of her life. They are now suffering for it, big time.

I don't think many parents expect their (adult) children to manage completely alone once they reach 18 but life is all about balance.

An adult child has to realise that part of becoming an adult means they have to behave towards other people (including their parents) as adults do. I would do things for my kids like collecting them from the airport but so would my kids do that for me. It's a gradual transition from being completely dependent to being independent and equal members of the family and society.

I'm not my children's "keeper" any more - I don't tell them how to live their lives but neither can they expect me to arrange my life around their wants. We're mutually supportive of each other as are the other adults in our family.

Prothet_of_Doom

http://www.moneysavingexpert.com/redir/e5897875

What I would do is get the student to do the sums for you. Explain that you are having trouble making ends meet, and could she help you work out a budget.

When it comes to a minus figure start crying. Explain how guilty you feel for not being able to support her like other people do.

I can sympathise. My son, gets the full grant of £2900 a year plus £1400 bursary because he gets a full grant, and because he gets it, I have put any pay rises into pension, so that over 3 years of inflation, it's more of a struggle to break even, (although in 20 years time, I might have a better retirement), and yet the first thing my wife wants to do on his Xmas return is take him out for an expensive meal.

Have to add that he has saved the Bursary and half the grant, in an ISA, so already planning for when he graduates and might need a car and insurance.

Melaniep101

Mojisola wrote: »

I don't think many parents expect their (adult) children to manage completely alone once they reach 18 but life is all about balance.

An adult child has to realise that part of becoming an adult means they have to behave towards other people (including their parents) as adults do. I would do things for my kids like collecting them from the airport but so would my kids do that for me. It's a gradual transition from being completely dependent to being independent and equal members of the family and society.

I'm not my children's "keeper" any more - I don't tell them how to live their lives but neither can they expect me to arrange my life around their wants. We're mutually supportive of each other as are the other adults in our family.

I have to agree with this^^^^

I think the nice thing about going to University versus leaving home and getting a job, is that it's a nice segue between being a "child" and being an adult. You get the independence of living away from home, and the sense that you can make your own decisions, whilst still having a bit of back up if you need it.

But I do think that some kids (my own daughter included) have huge expectations that their parents should continue to support them financially and indeed indulge them even though they are choosing to be an adult. I know my husband and I just don't have the funds to live up to this expectation, nor do we think we should have to. As far as we are concerned, our daughter has moved out of home, and is now responsible for her own life. We are helping with the first year of accommodation fees, but in year 2, she'll be on her own. At her age, I had a baby to support (her), and I managed to look after two of us on next to nothing.

She is gradually coming around to the realisation that being an adult is not as easy as being a child and "gets" that we are not a never ending source of money. But it's taken a lot of arguements, upset, discussions, us saying No and a year or two of stress to get the message through!

Lily-Rose_3

Thank you all (again) so much for your replies. The upshot is, that I wondered if it was acceptable to ask her for a contribution, or to pay for petrol and extras, and most people say it is, so I am massively relieved about this. I don't want to charge her board and rent or make a profit from her. I just wanted a bit of help.

Just wanted to make two things clear, that seemed to have got lost in the thread, as it's gone on.

1) Fbaby: I didn't ever say 'pay your way or don't come home.' Somebody else must have said that at some point, but I most certainly would never ever say that to my daughter.

2) We don't do an 80 mile round trip to take her to her pals and then another 80 miles round trip to pick her up: I may have caused that confusion. What it is: we live 20 miles away from our old town now, so it's 40 mile round trip to take her and 40 mile round trip to fetch her back. (Two 40 mile round trips, because we have to take her and then go back for her later: hence the total of 80 miles.)

I feel a bit bad, as she isn't home THAT often, but the last time she was here (reading week,) she was here for 9 days, and we must have used £30 extra in petrol and also wasted some 8 hours or more in that week driving. AND a couple of times, she wanted to go for just 2 or 3 hours, and so by the time we got back home, we couldn't relax or do anything, as just over an hour later, we had to go back to pick her up again!!!

So anyway! I was planning on saying something, and I started off by moaning about how much food costs these days, and the price of petrol. I said 'you know it's shocking! We spend about £130 a month on petrol now.' And she said 'WHAT?' She thought we spent about £40 a month on petrol :rotfl: She sat there open-mouthed.

So Fbaby and several others are correct that I'm a muppet for not letting her know before: after all, she isn't bloomin' psychic! My bad. But, it would have been nice if she had 'thought' to offer something. But Oh well...

So anyway, she said, 'I don't mind giving you a bit for petrol for giving me lifts,' and I said 'I would be really grateful: thanks darling.' Also, she said she can get the bus one way sometimes, if it makes things easier for us. I said that would make it better, as it's very time consuming, driving 40 miles there and back, and then having to drive 40 miles there and back AGAIN an hour or two later. One time, when she went to the old town, a friend's parent kindly brought her back, and it was such a help, only having to do that one journey. So if we only have to do it one way, it is very helpful.

She has stayed at someone's house before too, but she only does that maybe 2 in 5 times. So I said to her, 'if you CAN get the bus there, then we can fetch you back.' And 'if you CAN stay at someone else's house, that also helps.' So tomorrow, she is getting the bus to our old town at 11am (they are only every 90 minutes and the last one is 5.30pm.) But then we only have to get her back. I put a tenner in the car last night, and she said 'shall I get this? Will it be enough for the three trips over the next week?' :eek:

So I'm getting somewhere! It seems all I had to do was say something #idiot

Also, we just went to Morrisons, and I went with £15 cash and said this is all we have til Friday (not a lie,) so we have to be careful with what we buy, and she chucked a few bits and bobs in (bananas and grapes and one veggie meal,) but she got about seven quids worth of cosmetics she wanted with her debit card! So this was a good sign.

So I think we may be finding some middle ground.

As someone said, maybe she will not bother with her mates from the old town eventually. I hope not, as it IS a bind having to go back there. But I am fully aware she didn't choose to live here, and it's not her fault we have to take her, as the bus service is lame and she can't drive. But as I said to her: if she can meet us halfway somehow, (like get a lift back if we take her, or get the bus there and we get her back,) that will help us a lot. After all, she is not here that often. It was the summer hols I was dreading though, so that is why - as many have pointed out here - we needed to 'nip it in the bud' so to speak.

I was going to leave it til after Christmas to have a word, but the opportunity came up yesterday, and I kind of discussed everything with her, and she was quite happy and more than reasonable. As I said, (and so did many others,) it may well be that she just doesn't realise. She is only just out of childhood, and doesn't know everything.

That comment about how 'other' families don't charge rent though: when I discussed that with her (subtlety,) she said 'well they don't pay rent, but they do still buy their own stuff, and usually don't have parents running them about.' (Most of her pals live close to transport links, and near to their mates, whereas she lives in a place that has rubbish public transport unfortunately.) And she actually said she feels bad asking us to take her places. As I said, it's not her fault we moved out here, but as someone said earlier in the thread: we shouldn't have to apologise for moving into a nicer, more rural area. So it IS finding that middle ground isn't it?

Also, I asked her if she could please only turn the thermostat up to 19 only, as the house does not need to be any hotter than that, and she said she was sorry.

I also like what someone said earlier, about saying 'we used to have money to look after you, but now the government give it to you instead.' Brilliant.

Every single one of the replies have been so helpful, and I am so appreciative of all of you. Even the ones who were brutally honest

I think we'll all be OK.

Thank you. Hope you all have a banging Christmas! :xmastree:

aileth

Wonderful result, Lily-Rose!

Lily-Rose_3

aileth wrote: »

Wonderful result, Lily-Rose!

Thank you my lovely It did turn out fairly well. As I said, I think she was just oblivious to it actually.

But all you good people on here did make me feel better and gave me the confidence to say something. However, she did kind of suggest it herself a bit

pollypenny

Great news, Lily-Rose. The transition years, uni etc , can be a difficult time.

Hope you all have a good Christmas .

[Deleted User]

Excellent news

Dxxx

FBaby

Brilliant outcome OP, glad you opened up the conversation calmy and openly so that you got to a compromise together rather than getting angry and resentful with each other.