Tricky situation with child

lostinrates

On a totally different tangent about jobs, what is her course? Many sandwich course students at my uni condensed by doing the industry year in holiday times in various short placements. Others just got work that was even vaguely subject relevant or industry relevant or had transferable skills for cv enhancement. Its a tough old jobs market afterwards and this sort of thing not only lines pockets a bit, but improves employability.....

persa

OP, you talk about becoming disabled rather than just officially registering as such, and your OH has taken a different type of job - so all the signs are there that you have less money. But does your DD know exactly how much less?

She grew up in the good times, so it's understandable why she thinks you can afford to buy all her favourit branded stuff from the shops and run her about every night. Maybe she's decided to pretend to herself everything is the same, everyone likes the status quo, but it's not, and you need to (gently) explain that.

You probably wouldn't have thought twice about paying for nice things when you had more money, but you've had to cut your cloth. Rather than compare your family to other families, maybe compare your past situation to your current one. In the past you had X, but now you have Y, and that's a drop of Z.

Many British people hate talking about their finances, but if you don't reveal the hard reality of everything, your DD will be happy to pretend life is rosy for all of you. You wouldn't ask if you didn't have to - in your shoes, that's the point I'd make. If you could bring in more money, you would - but your OH is limited by the current economic climate and your health has changed. It's not about being harsh, or unfair, or trying to teach your DD a lesson - it's about asking her to help when you need it, after the many years of you helping her.

Make clear you will always be there for her emotionally - it's just financially, you can't be as generous as you used to be.

dawyldthing

Jobseeeker wrote: »

It will be nowhere near as tight as it is for a student. £11k and a variety of benefits is a lot more than a student gets. Fair enough she was in halls in 1st year and that is cheap but now rent and bills in a flat is very expensive. Everyone here is saying she should get a job, I was assuming she had one but the OP hasn't stated either way. I think a lot of people on this board didn't go to Uni and won't understand how hard it is. I remember a girl being hospitalised for malnutrition because she had no food/money. She'd come out of care so she also got full loan, doesn't mean you're rich.

That also depends where you live as I lived in Leeds and paid no more than 225 per month rent. Shared with 4 others every time so bills ended up minimum (probably around 50 a month roughly I think it worked out at) and I rented my room out in summer so I could work at summer camp and it funded that. Some live in places that working people would live in at 100 a week which I think is ludicrous. I spent my first summer at home but every summer afterwards I worked in America at a camp for 2 summers and Canada for a summer and did all the festivals with Oxfam for a summer (due to me doing a 4 year degree and also deferring a year).

I don't know what loans and grants are these days but I got 4500 loan and 1000 grant and it was more than enough and still gave me money for the summer. It looks to me with the grants and loans that they get more than I got and I lived quite well in honesty. Its all about moderation and setting themselves a budget that they have x to live on for everything and so need to find things that are within it.

I think I paid a bit towards things but also to fund my travelling I worked during the year at the ice rink from Jan to March (but it looks like it runs less now though), online shopping with sainsburys, student mentor (that got a 300 grant), student ambassador, did interviews for people going to camp which all kept me busy and gave me spends. I really don't think there are many degrees that couldn't mean that someone could work 20 hours a week, reduced during exam season, but the work experience helps when leaving uni.

I'd also suggest she puts a 20 into the pot a week that she is there but pay separately if the taxi of mum and dad are running (we've never had a car so its never applied to us - you don't miss what you don't have) but I wouldn't be a taxi service for no-one. I'd also see if she can rent somewhere in September (even if it means signing up in September as in most places there are more places to rent than there are people so there are usually places to rent)

pixo

To be honest I would just show her what you originally wrote. She probs doesn't even realise how much more she is costing you and is used to you being better of. I'm sure if she reads what you have wrote she would then realise and want to help out.

emweaver

Mojisola wrote: »

You didn't fall for that one, did you? Don't you remember it from Infants - "But no-one's Mum makes them tidy their toys/eat all their dinner/say please/etc?

It really doesn't matter what other parents do anyway - their financial situation isn't yours. You know what you can afford and either she lives within your means or contributes to the house.

That is completely different I wouldn't expect any parent to charge their child to stay with them over the holidays and do not know of anyone who does.

Saying no to the stuff she throws in the trolley and running round as a taxi is different. Just put your foot down but I wouldn't charge her just set rules.

busiscoming2

Glad you had the conversation with her. At least now she knows the facts, so if you find her slipping back into her old expectations you can remind her of it.

Hope you have a Happy Christmas.

Mojisola

emweaver wrote: »

That is completely different I wouldn't expect any parent to charge their child to stay with them over the holidays and do not know of anyone who does.

Saying no to the stuff she throws in the trolley and running round as a taxi is different. Just put your foot down but I wouldn't charge her just set rules.

Well, as the consensus has been that few parents would actually charge their children, you're in agreement with the rest of us.

On the other hand, if the parents are only just getting by financially and there isn't enough money to cover the extra costs of having another person at home, it's reasonable to ask that person (whether it's a "child" home from uni or a friend staying for some weeks) to cover the extra expense.

They'd be spending money on food and other things if they lived elsewhere - what's wrong about giving that money into the family?

FBaby

Because for most uni students they don't consider to hedge moved out their home only gone for further education away, a bit like boarding school. It's a big adjustment to realise that their home is now only their parents home especially when they haven't been warned in advance.

My family home will only become my and husband home when the kids have moved all their bits to another proper home. They will however be encouraged - to put it mildly- when they ate finished with their studies and taken on employment.

lostinrates

FBaby wrote: »

Really? I must live on another planet, one where my desire to make my children happy doesn't stop when they turn 18. My parents still come in two cars to the airport to pick us up when we go to visit them because we and the suitcases don't all fit in one car. That's almost 2 hours round trip. They do it happily because they are happy to see us. I would do just the same for them without a thought.

I find it amazing the length many parents are ready to go for their children, taking them to football games miles away supporting them in the cold and wind for hours year on year, but they turn 18, and they can't even do a few miles to make them happy. And then wonder why the 'kids' are confused...

I feel I should tell you fbaby, this post has given me much food for thought about my own relation ship with family and friends, my own nature and airport trips. Its funny the posts that make us think, huh?

Lizziepuff64

Hi, Lily-Rose

I've been caught between a similar rock and a hard place and my heart aches for you. It's such a tough decision to have to make as we are naturally protective of our offspring BUT some children suffer from an over-inflated sense of entitlement and I think that's what's at the root of the problem.

I am fortunate enough to work full-time with a reasonable wage. However, I became a single parent 3 years ago with my son (then 18) siding with his father and my daughter (then 10) living with me. My son went far away to University as, unlike your daughter, his exam results were so poor, only one Uni would have him.

Despite being in reduced financial circumstances I transferred £25/week into his bank account to "top-up" all his loans and grants. Apparently getting a job would have got in the way of his studies. The Oyster card he used when he came back to London was linked directly to my credit card so I was effectively paying for his transport. I paid for all his travel to and from Uni except at the start and end of the year when his father drove him there and back. I regularly did an online shop for him (loo roll, deo, pasta etc). I paid the deposit on his student house rentals. When he decided to stay with me during holidays, my front door and my fridge and my purse were wide open. Oh, the guilt!!

And I never even got so much as a cup of tea made for me. Or the offer of a pint at the pub. Or a meal prepared or washed up.

I reached the end of my (generous) tether in the Summer when, after 8 weeks with me, he announced he had a job and was moving in with his father, leaving me high and dry with 2 cat-sitting arrangements we had made. My son was very surprised when I asked for my keys back when he left and outraged when I cancelled the Oyster card and stopped his weekly allowance.

Logic told me a) that it was time for his father to step up to the plate and b) that I was trying to accommodate a selfish young man whose expectations far exceeded my means. His face when I suggested that he should contribute to the family finances was a picture!

Sadly, this hasn't ended well and my son and I are now estranged at his instigation.

There are thousands of students who put themselves through University with no help from anyone at all; they work part-time and they cut their coats according to their cloth. They are a credit to society and make great adults. Your daughter could be one of those amazing people and make you very proud. Or she could be like my son. I think you need to nip it in the bud and be firm about YOUR expectations. But I know how hard that is.

Either way, I really hope you find a way of keeping yourselves afloat without alienating your daughter.

Best wishes and Merry Christmas