Tricky situation with child

Quai

I personally know how difficult it is to budget with ESA and DLA. That said, my 16 year old boy offers me HIS money when we are out, but I say no thanks. Your daughter sounds a little over-indulged. Treat her as you did when she was in primary school and say no to overly expensive items.

She is an adult and speak to her about the family's change in circumstances - though she is already fully aware. I also needed to stop working due to disabilities, so my children know we had to make changes to the way we lived - very similar to yours.

Just because her friends parents' don't ask for a contribution is no reason why she shouldn't. She needs to grow up (maturity wise) and realize the reality of your financial pressures.

* make her own way to her friends - get hold of a timetable and get a bus

* eat what's given to her or buy her own

* toiletries you shouldn't buy for her at all

* I doubt she leaves the heating on all day at Uni, so you control the thermostat

I know it's difficult, but if she comes back for such a long period, she must genuinely want to spend the extra time with you and your husband. This should help her to understand, but you need to lay it all out for her, just as you did for us.

green_as_grass

The best thing parents can do for their children, financially, is help them learn how to budget.

At its most basic this means learning to do without, until you can afford to buy. I'm afraid your daughter is learning to do the opposite. She has learned how to make you feel guilty so that you will give, spend and do for her whatever she wants, regardless of the cost. Sorry to say, but this is what you are teaching her. At the same time you are making your own lives a misery and possibly putting yourself in dangerous levels of debt.

You need to take control, stop feeling guilty and do what is best for your daughter - that is say NO (as many times as it takes).

Yes, do this as kindly as you can, but also firmly. Tell her you cannot afford to continue as you have been or you risk losing her home (and you will all be forced to find somewhere else to live).

We plan to take this line with our daughter when she goes to uni (even though we could afford to pay her way) because we want her to learn financial independence, and we will NOT feel guilty:

1. Suggest she gets a job during vacations (full-time not part-time). Whether she does or not she will bear the following costs.
2. She will contribute a modest amount towards her board whenever she stays at home (less than commercial rate because we will be happy to have her home).
3. She will pay realistic petrol money per mile whenever she is given lifts (or borrows the car if she succeeds in passing her test) - she won't get priority for use of the car either. Otherwise she will use public transport at her own cost.
4. Any extras such as toiletries, food preferences etc. that are more costly than our normal household ones she will pay for at the full price.

We would be generous at birthdays, Christmas etc. buying practical presents that will help support her living expenses and studies (but we won't tell her that in advance. She will be expected to apply for full student loans (tuition fees and living expenses) and live on these during term times. The loans are adequate. We plan to supply her with a second-hand laptop when she leaves home and will help her set up a spreadsheet to monitor and plan ahead her finances and what she can afford when.

None of this is being harsh. The alternative is to turn your offspring into ungrateful, take-you-for-granted scroungers who leave university without a clue how to manage their finances.

What we 'save' from this approach we will be able to use to help her when she sets up her first home, perhaps by taking out a joint mortgage with her. We won't GIVE her money towards her own mortgage because what's to stop her selling the house to take a lavish world cruise or buy drugs?

We will only be substantially generous when we can afford to do the same for her sister at the same time and we are confident that they will manage the money given sensibly and not squander it on such as Playstations or continually latest version of iPads etc.

The crucial thing for you here is to reject any guilt she tries to throw your way!

ska_lover

OP I really feel for you and is a difficult situation. Your daughter is only a young adult who has moved out to uni recently so I think some people on this thread need to cut her some slack!! It is not easy getting to grips with budgeting and your own finances when you first leave home

I would say - regain control over your own home. Tell her she is not to touch the thermostat! Stop buying her fancy grocieries, just buy what you normally would, and if she wants extra let her buy it - if she has no money, the basics will be in the cupboards and she won't starve. Cut down with the lifts.

On one hand you want her to be an adult, but you are babying her. I think just the title of the thread 'tricky situation with a CHILD' speaks volumes, shes a young adult hun, and you need to treat her like one AS WELL as her acting like one. While you are willing to keep doing this stuff for her, she will let you do it

If she wants to be independent, she shouldn't be relying on you for lifts as often as she seems to.

I think if you expect a rent payment in the summer, you are setting up for a fail. Tens of thousands of students are after the summer jobs, what if she doesn't get one, what will you do then? I would tell her I expect her to get a job, but wouldn't bank on it actually happening

bouncydog1

I think it would be very helpful to your daughter to set out what her costs will be in years 2 onwards. DD lives in a very basic student let shared between 5. Rent is £350 per month each, utilities just under £100 per month all paid on DDM to get best deals. Then on top of the fees are bus tickets ( bought at cheap rate), books, printing ( or paper and printer ink as she has her own printer) plus normal costs of food, toiletries, washing powder etc.etc. Your daughter really needs to be living frugally this year to sVe what she can in case she can't get a job in the summer to help towards next years costs.

There will also be deposit to pay up front for next year plus agency charges if applicable. If she takes a tenancy from 1 July then first two months rent may be at 50 % or maybe full amount. She probably hasn't considered any of this and as your income is limited you are not likely to be able to help her.

Suggest she goes on the Uni site to find out about area living costs outside of halls because she may be in for a shock!!

Yorkie1

For those who haven't read the whole thread, OP resolved this with her daughter 10 days ago on post #103 or something like that!

Dovah_diva

I think the thread title says it all really. Glad the OP has resolved the situation though.

bouncydog1

Yorkie1 wrote: »

For those who haven't read the whole thread, OP resolved this with her daughter 10 days ago on post #103 or something like that!

Aware of that but Lily-Rose is probably still following her thread and I do believe it would be very helpful for her daughter to look at what her position is going to be when she moves into off-campus housing as the costs and bills position is very different from living in halls and landlords and utility companies don't wait for loan payments to come through!