Tricky situation with child

goonarmy

Lily-Rose wrote: »

Hello. Long time lurker, newly joined.

Basically, we have a 19 year old daughter who started uni in September, and TBH, we are quite an economically poor family. We used to be better off, but circumstances changed all that.

My husband earns £11,000 a year in a factory, and I am disabled and on DLA and ESA. (I have been on disability for 6 years since age 45.) So after rent and council tax and bills etc, we are just about OK, but not 'rolling in it.'

Because of our low income, our daughter got a scholarship for getting good A level results, and because we are poor. And she also got a grant to pay a third of the year's rent for her. But she still got the full student living loan. So she actually had more money at uni than some of her pals from wealthier families. So much so, that she was able to buy a PS4 out of her uni grant. (£350.) And still have enough left to live on.

Upshot is, that we can only just make ends meet, and when she comes home in the summer, I would like her to contribute to the family income. She came home for a week in early November and we spent an extra £25-£30 on the food shopping that week, as she has fancy veggie stuff and lots of fruit and things like that, and she really piled the stuff in the trolley. And even though she spends about £15 a week on shopping at uni, and buys the cheapest of everything; she piles all the expensive stuff in when she is at home. We used about an extra fiver more than usual in that week on the electric meter too.

Well, we let that go, as it was only a week.

Now she has now broken up for Christmas, and has been here for 3 days, and she's already piling expensive stuff in the trolley, and has her kindle, phone, ipod, and laptop on charge half of her waking hours, and the heating on continuous, leaving the thermostat on 21/22 at night - as she doesn't go to bed til 2am! I have been getting up at about 4am and turning it down to 16 as I am stifling! Our electric cost from early November to last Wednesday was about £1.20 a day. Now it's gone up to £1.70 a day.

In addition to this, we moved house in August, from the town we lived in to a little town 20 miles away. This was 4 or 5 weeks before she went to uni, and she kept wanting to go back to our old town to see friends. But we have no train station, and the buses are few and far between, and they stop going from our old town to where we are at 5.30pm. A taxi would cost £20.

I reckon we spent £20-30 a week EXTRA on petrol during those last 4 or 5 weeks, running her back and forth to our old town. 80 miles a time: there and back to take her, there and back to fetch her back: not to mention the 2 hours wasted on the total travelling time. She reminded us several times though, that she 'wasn't the one who chose to move out here.'

Well, I am prepared to let this 23 day Christmas holiday slide, but in June she comes home for about 15 weeks, and I think she should be contributing a bit financially. But when her dad mentioned this before she went to uni, she said 'you're kidding aren't you? Nobody I know has their parents charging them in the holidays when they are still at uni.' He said nothing else after that.

Thing is, it's not that we're mean, or that we want to take money off her; it's just that she adds about £25 to the weekly food bill, about £5.00 a week to the electric, she wants extra toiletries, and she wants running around but never offers us petrol. Like I said: in the last 4 or 5 weeks she was here before she went to uni, I reckon we spent an extra £100 in petrol!

I know she didn't choose to move 20 miles from the town she grew up in, but she can't keep using that same card LOL.

She is a good girl, and a great student, she did well in her A levels, but she has many middle class and 'rich' friends as she put it, and none of THEIR parents charge their kids anything. In fact her friend 'Charlie' had a CAR bought for him for his 18th birthday, and several of her pals she made in college have big houses, and 'rich' parents, who throw money at them when they squander their student finance in the first few weeks of term!

We have a rented house, and her dad works in a factory, and I am on disability benefit. We did have tax credits and child benefit before, but it stopped when she went to uni, so our finances are stretched.

We are not expecting a lot, or asking for a lot: just a token amount during the 15 weeks she is off: especially if she keeps wanting expensive food, and lifts.

We used to be better off financially, and up to when she was about 14, she had everything she wanted, never went without, we had holidays abroad, and she always went on the school trips etc; then due to my husband losing his job and him having to take a much lesser paid one, and me becoming disabled and unable to work (both within a short space of time) and the general high cost of living; we have had to pull the belt in.

Moving house took every spare bit of savings we had, we spent £300 on her 18th birthday in November last year, we had to find £400 for her for uni for her deposit and room bond, our car which is 13 years old has needed £400 spending on it this year, we had to carpet and decorate our new home, and now we are flat broke and are struggling to save again.

So how can we resolve this? How can we ask her to contribute during the long holiday next summer when it is seemingly not the 'done thing' for people still doing their degree to contribute?

Please don't judge me or think we are mean or harsh. We have given her so much in the past (and we don't mind at all as we love her and we have enjoyed giving to her and buying for her,) but from now on, we are going to be struggling, and with no income at ALL from her, but her potentially costing £35-£40 a week extra when she is here, it would be helpful if she would help. (At least for the long 15 week summer break.) But how can we broach the subject? She knows we aren't well-off, and it makes me a bit cross that she never offers anything. And how much should we ask for?

We have no parents (all dead,) and are totally self-sufficient with no help from family. I wouldn't ask anyway.

Please advise someone. To be fair, she doesn't ask for much or expect much, and wasn't any more SPOILT as a child than any of her friends, but it seems she expects to not pay her way in the slightest whilst at home on holiday from uni.

Is it one of the oxbridge unis?
I found that I, a cockney, was living with students from Rugby, Eton and a few other well to do schools. Completely different world and going on trips on their yacht etc was a real eye opener. But i nver forgot my folks have a caravan. Maybe remind yours.

FBaby

Quite honestly, I wouldn't be accepting petrol-money for two two-hour round-trips per evening because I wouldn't be doing them in the first place! That's an awful lot to ask, even of parents who could well afford it. That's four hours out of someone's evening/night. Eff that! Nope, she'd be getting the bus, staying overnight or not going at all.

Really? I must live on another planet, one where my desire to make my children happy doesn't stop when they turn 18. My parents still come in two cars to the airport to pick us up when we go to visit them because we and the suitcases don't all fit in one car. That's almost 2 hours round trip. They do it happily because they are happy to see us. I would do just the same for them without a thought.

I find it amazing the length many parents are ready to go for their children, taking them to football games miles away supporting them in the cold and wind for hours year on year, but they turn 18, and they can't even do a few miles to make them happy. And then wonder why the 'kids' are confused...

SingleSue

A one off two hour trip every now and then is completely different to a two hour trip twice in one evening and every night!

I did a 6 hour round trip on Sunday to pick eldest up from uni......but I wouldn't do that every day.

Edit - I didn't do the long trips with eldest before he reached 18 or went to uni, so no confusion here. I did of course run him around the local town if he needed/wanted it or his joints were bad, something I still do now when he is home.

Macca83_2

thegirlintheattic wrote: »

I've never heard of parents charging their uni kids - and I spend five years at uni in total. I can understand charging someone who is working but not a student.

I'd suggest you ask her to get a bus/taxi and don't take her shopping, but I personally would feel very unwelcome if I had gone home at uni to be told I had to pay or not come home. I can understand things are tough though.

I was told in no uncertain terms by my mum that if I was coming Home for holidays then I was working. If I wasn't working then I wasn't coming home.

Needless to say I got a job and I worked every single holiday I came home.

nickj_2

FBaby wrote: »

Really? I must live on another planet, one where my desire to make my children happy doesn't stop when they turn 18. My parents still come in two cars to the airport to pick us up when we go to visit them because we and the suitcases don't all fit in one car. That's almost 2 hours round trip. They do it happily because they are happy to see us. I would do just the same for them without a thought.

I find it amazing the length many parents are ready to go for their children, taking them to football games miles away supporting them in the cold and wind for hours year on year, but they turn 18, and they can't even do a few miles to make them happy. And then wonder why the 'kids' are confused...

it's one thing picking your kids up from the airport every now and then , but this sounds like it's not the odd pick up every now and then , but a weekly event , if it's an 80 mile round trip than presumably the daughter has to be picked up as well which makes it a 160 mile journey ,allow 40 mpg this works out at £25 per weekend , or £100+ per month , as stated the OP can't afford this , and why should she
parents taking their kids to football are usually taking school age kids who can't drive ... that is what parenting is about , the girl in question is 19 and should be sorting her own transport out

julie03

FBaby wrote: »

Really? I must live on another planet, one where my desire to make my children happy doesn't stop when they turn 18. My parents still come in two cars to the airport to pick us up when we go to visit them because we and the suitcases don't all fit in one car. That's almost 2 hours round trip. They do it happily because they are happy to see us. I would do just the same for them without a thought.

I find it amazing the length many parents are ready to go for their children, taking them to football games miles away supporting them in the cold and wind for hours year on year, but they turn 18, and they can't even do a few miles to make them happy. And then wonder why the 'kids' are confused...[/QUOTE

I would love to be able to do this sort of thing for my son who is at Uni, its not always a case of they turn 18 so you don't do it, its normally a case of finances.
I would do anything to make him happy but if it causes financial hardship which it can do then I Cant, which is what the OP is saying.

if your parents had to miss meals to pick you up would you still expect them to do it just because they say it makes them happy to see you. I would never expect my mum to!

aileth

You could be talking about my sister, in fact it's scarily close.

She knows that my parents are literally up to their ears in debt, my dad disclosed this to her in a vain attempt to put things into perspective and rein her in, and are barely breathing, yet when they go food shopping she will INSIST they go to Waitrose instead of Asda, will throw all kinda of posh nonsense in the trolley that nobody needs to survive, and will throw a tantrum if not (She's 23).

She will insist on only the very best, and each time I see her she has a new gadget or wardrobe, she had an ipad, then an ipad mini, then an ipad air, what the chuff is wrong with just a standard ipad?

The gadgets and wardrobes are from her student loan, which she p*sses away like it's nothing, without thinking that maybe she could use it to lift the weight off my parents, or at least use it on feeding herself and maybe paying them some contribution or rent.

She has run off to rent a student flat twice in the past two years, making my dad pay the rent (because she says her loan doesn't cover it) upfront for six months, then three months in deciding she wants to come home (reality of living hurting too much), so my dad has paid three months for nothing.

She also puts the heating on constantly at 24-25 and the house is literally like a sauna. She can't understand why everyone complains it's too hot, but because her temperature is fine sod everyone else and the cost. I don't think she actually knows that heating cost anything.

She uses my dad's car, but refuses to pay anything towards the insurance or petrol or running costs, even though for the past year she's been 99% sole driver.

Like I said above, my dad was coming to breaking point and sat her down and told her the situation. Instead of being proactive and thinking about helping the people who brought her up, she instead text me saying *I* should help dad out with the money by giving him some of mine!!!!!!!!

All you can do is broach the subject with her, lay the situation down in plain terms, that this is your income, this is what you live on, and she is NOT the same as her school friends.

And when she said this: 'Nobody I know has their parents charging them in the holidays when they are still at uni', well, all the people I've known who have gone to Uni have had a part-time job which they used to pay for themselves, be it term time or holiday time, food, clothes, contributing towards the household. She is not a special snowflake.

It's her choice if she chooses to accept it or not. If she doesn't, stop driving her around, stop letting her buy what food she likes, and basically get out a giant reality baseball bat and whack her around the head with it. I bloody wish my dad would do the same for my sister.

Mojisola

aileth wrote: »

She knows that my parents are literally up to their ears in debt, my dad disclosed this to her in a vain attempt to put things into perspective and rein her in, and are barely breathing, yet when they go food shopping she will INSIST they go to Waitrose instead of Asda, will throw all kinda of posh nonsense in the trolley that nobody needs to survive, and will throw a tantrum if not (She's 23).

The gadgets and wardrobes are from her student loan, which she p*sses away like it's nothing, without thinking that maybe she could use it to lift the weight off my parents, or at least use it on feeding herself and maybe paying them some contribution or rent.

She has run off to rent a student flat twice in the past two years, making my dad pay the rent (because she says her loan doesn't cover it) upfront for six months, then three months in deciding she wants to come home (reality of living hurting too much), so my dad has paid three months for nothing.

She also puts the heating on constantly at 24-25 and the house is literally like a sauna. She can't understand why everyone complains it's too hot, but because her temperature is fine sod everyone else and the cost. I don't think she actually knows that heating cost anything.

She uses my dad's car, but refuses to pay anything towards the insurance or petrol or running costs, even though for the past year she's been 99% sole driver.

When did the word "No" go out of fashion?

How does she force them to drive to different shop - car keys can be kept away from her - heating can be turned down - don't write the cheques to pay for her rent.

aileth

Mojisola wrote: »

When did the word "No" go out of fashion?

How does she force them to drive to different shop - car keys can be kept away from her - heating can be turned down - don't write the cheques to pay for her rent.

Yep, I know. I have told him time and time again, but unfortunately my dad is quite the soft touch and does anything he can to avoid her tantrums. They tend to avoid items getting broken, smashed, etc.

Bennifred

aileth wrote: »

Yep, I know. I have told him time and time again, but unfortunately my dad is quite the soft touch and does anything he can to avoid her tantrums. They tend to avoid items getting broken, smashed, etc.

:eek: Good grief! They didn't bring her up very well, did they? Talk about reaping what you sow..........