Tricky situation with child

Dolly_DD

I stopped reading the post half way through............
She is spoilt. I don't think your Daughter lives in the real world.......
She sounds like she has no concern about either money or your feelings.......
Tough Love is needed I'm afraid.

Bennifred

Dear Lizzie
I am so sorry about the way your son has reacted. I just want to say - don't despair! It may take a few years, but young men in particular seem to grow up a lot between the ages of 21 and 25, and eventually become less self-centred. I'm sure he'll realise that you have done your best for him and that he has basically acted like an immature ingrate! And then your heart will mend. I speak from experience....:p

Happy Christmas! x

FatVonD

I haven't read all the pages but my thoughts are:

1. Don't take her shopping with you, just buy what you can afford to buy.

2. Encourage her to wear extra layers and turn the heating down.

3. Agree to driving her provided she puts enough petrol in the car.

4. Encourage her to stay overnight with friends so you're not doing the trip twice in one evening.

Lizziepuff64

Bennifred wrote: »

Dear Lizzie
I am so sorry about the way your son has reacted. I just want to say - don't despair! It may take a few years, but young men in particular seem to grow up a lot between the ages of 21 and 25, and eventually become less self-centred. I'm sure he'll realise that you have done your best for him and that he has basically acted like an immature ingrate! And then your heart will mend. I speak from experience....:p

Happy Christmas! x

Thank you so much. His tattoo says " Time passes, people change" - ironic really!

Indie_Kid

When I came home for uni, I was expected to contribute money to the house. (I'd finished for the year; but had to go back up again to get some stuff)

Whilst I have asked for the odd item here and there whilst shopping, it's never anything major - it's just a few items. They have bought me items which I'd normally buy myself if they're on offer. (deodorant, etc)

PhilLondon

Universities have people from the full range of backgrounds, and while some will have all the advantages of a privileged origin more will be from families for whom it's a real struggle to cope. Of course, your daughter needs to understand the realities of economic life, while getting the best she can out of her student days.
Your post shows you know this perfectly well, and also suggests very strongly that you love her, and would indulge her fully if only you could. But there are limits, and she does need to understand that, and adapt accordingly. That's part of her education, and her development as a person.
I'd guess what you really fear is the ill-feeling that could arise when you rein her in (as you must), and that what you need would be concrete suggestions about how to manage the change that must come without fracturing a precious relationship. Well, here's my suggestion.
I'd imagine you wouldn't want to give her full disclosure of your detailed financial circumstances - that wouldn't be appropriate. Instead, you might launch a continuing conversation on the basis that you're realised total outgoings are exceeding income, and that the family simply must find net savings of £xyz a month. You can say you're including her in the discussion, as she's part of the family, and might be able to come up with some ideas perhaps? You should make it clear that the necessary saving is essential and non-negotiable (and that borrowing of any kind is out of the question).
You'll need to prepare 'baseline' figures on current spending in advance; certainly including things like food, petrol and energy. You might want to disclose what the rent is, but you'd concentrate on the main outgoings. A computer spreadsheet is useful for this. She doesn't need to know what the family income is.
Over a period, have a series of discussions about where it might be possible to make savings, and keep her updated on how spending is going. You might even show her how to read a gas meter and calculate the bill. I'd hope that over a little while she'll become sensitive to the situation, and might even volunteer to cut back on her existing expectations. She might even declare an intention to find work so that she can contribute over the summer.
Only you know how things work between you in your family, but it might be worth considering something like this. Good luck! You're right to expect more restraint.

Update: After I posted this I realised there was more than one page of comments, and I read with some relief the OP's report of very welcome developments. That's great.

M0ney

If you are comfortable with her knowing your finances exactly I would show her what comes in and what goes out at the same time as explaining why you are unable to cope with the extra expense of her coming to stay and why you need some input from her. Not blowing my own trumpet here but I feel that at 28 I am very savvy with my money but at 19 I was hopeless and my attitute towards money was much the same as your daughters. I was quite naive at 19 in a lot of ways and no disrespect it sounds like your daughter is too.

ifan.goch

Jobseeeker wrote: »

I don't think this is fair because she has to pay rent at her University town, a student can't pay two lots of rent!!

But as for the food thing, just get her to go shopping separately and buy her own stuff if she eats a special diet.

Most private student tenancies don't include the summer as this is when the landlords do any necessary maintenance and many students move out during the summer break. If the student wants to stay over the summer the rent is normally lower for that period. So if the daughter wants to go home for the summer she won't be paying rent on her student accommodation and could therefore budget for a contribution to the home household expenses. If that means taking a temporary summer job then so be it.

Having lived in halls for the first year the daughter will not be aware of any bills other than food as this is all included in the halls rent. However if she moves into private accommodation in September she will have all of these extra bills to pay. It would do no harm to make her aware of how much extra it costs in fuel when she is at home to prepare her for the reality of private accommodation.

As far as petrol costs to the old town are concerned I would suggest that perhaps she could use public transport during the day and possibly stay over with the friends she is visiting. She could then use public transport during the day to return. She may not have chosen to move out of town, but at the end of the day she is now an adult and has left the family home. You have every right to live in the property you choose and can afford without taking your adult daughter into account. After all, when she has finished at uni there is no knowing where she will live and work.

I understand that you love your daughter and like to see her as much as you can, but she is no longer a child and you need to treat her like the adult she is. Sometimes it takes tough love to make your offspring understand.

001LJ

My parents did not and would not charge rent/board when I came home from Uni, however i did the family's ironing in exchange for this, I ate what they ate, I bought and used my own toiletries. Basically the ironing was my 'rent' and after that I lived as a very helpful guest. I would not of dreamt of expecting a lift or extra food and god forbid I touch the thermostat!
I had a lot of friends at Uni and every family is different but I didn't come accross any one that seems that selfish??? Every time I called a friend in summer their first comment was always 'oh hang on I am just doing something for my parents'.

top_drawer_2

Hello

I must admit to having been in your daughter's situation myself .... I had no concept of the cost of living until I had a place of my own! Did you know you actually have to pay rent / mortgage , even when you're on holiday!?

I think you need to start treating her as an adult and explain clearly what you have coming in, in terms of money and what goes out breaking things down in terms of "Electric per day" and examining shopping receipts.

Don't suggest anything in terms of what she should do and see what she comes forth with, if she doesn't offer anything then you're going to have to be more pushy and decide what you want (which you should already have a fair idea of worked out). Treat it as a re-jig of the family finances and ask for her ideas in terms of cost cutting, as if you were a brand new MSE-er! This is how I learnt to manage my own finances but I wasn't lucky enough to have someone show me all the tricks and had to learn slowly...

I can understand she seems thoroughly selfish and wrapped up in herself - do you really think you have done that bad a job of her, though?!

IME you will get far more back if you ask for her opinion / input on a situation than you will if you inform her of what you want and you will also have taught her some fantastic life lessons (which she will value, in time).

TD