Tricky situation with child

KxMx

Are you sure she hasn't been spoilt? You mention "child" in your thread topic but she is in actual fact your adult daughter.
Maybe if you have treated her like a child for a long time this is the result?
I'm 26 and would be really unhappy if my Mum referred to me as "child", "daughter" at least for someone of my age!

[Deleted User]

I used to work for about 15 days of my Christmas break when I was a student - always lots of casual short notice work around at this time of year if she can get to the nearest town.

TBH it's time she saw the raw figures and household budget with no distractions - sit her down and go through it with her?

When_the_going_gets_tough

We didn't charge for our children during holidays but we could afford not to. I think there is a learning period during the uni years as adult children begin to take financial responsibility for themselves and I think an adult conversation with her is the best way to go. I do sometimes wonder if people underestimate the fear hidden beneath what looks like thoughtless/selfish behaviour that they are being chucked out into a frightening world and that their parents are no longer caring for them. Giving up your home that you grew up in and being totally self reliant is both necessary and for some people pretty terrifying, so maybe some reassurance mixed with the financial honesty might help you all?

FBaby

I do find it quite sad to have to resort to expect your children to pay when they are back from uni. All you risk is her not coming back at all, especially if she can't see her friends. How would you feel then?

However, you don't have to go the other extreme and buy her everything she wants either. She is not a full responsible adult yet, but nor is she just a child. I don't understand why you and your husband can't sit down with her and explain that you are just able to make ends meet and the extra costs that she seems to expect put massive pressure on your budget. Suggest that she is always welcome back and you will pay for what you normally pay, but any additional things she wants, she needs to get herself. Do your normal shopping, and send her to do her own for anything else she wants. Electricity, pick this one up, but heating, explain that you won't change your set up and if she gets cold in the evening, she can get the blankets out and give her a water bottle. In regards to the friends, explain that you are happy to take her and back (surely that is not that much of your time twice a year) but that you would appreciate if she could fill in one tank.

dancingfairy

I think generally students aren't well off or they are but there parents are also well off. I think it's more unusual that the student is wealthier than the parents. Some parents do charge students rent, I don't think it's most though. Reasons for doing so appear to be to teach them what it's like in the adult world and to maybe save up for a deposit for them or even, like you to make ends meet.
Frankly it matters not what other people do (or don't do), if her coming home is costing you a lot more and you can't afford it then you need to let her know. It sounds like you are actually happy to support her at a basic level but can't afford to buy more expensive food for her or to provide an expensive taxi service. I think providing a roof over her head and basic food and heating is fair enough.
You just need to sit down and have that hard conversation with her.
df

paulineb_2

Veggie food doesn't need to be fancy. My dinner last night cost less than a quid. If she's piling stuff in the trolley, go shopping without her or ask her to buy her own.

Tbh. I think you are passing the blame onto her when you seem to be struggling with saying the word no.

Lunar_Eclipse

Lily-Rose wrote: »

I'm not talking about rent though: just a token amount towards food and petrol, but I don't know how much to charge. I only want to cover the extra.

I think that's reasonable and if you explain it to her in the way you wrote this post, she will understand. Do you need to spell it out to her that you are not in the same position as Charlie's parents and seemingly her university friends parents? The better the university she is at, the "richer" the kids will be in general, fyi. Although I also think times are tougher and more people are going to uni, so more are likely to be worse off than years ago and potentially contribute to family living expenses.

My parents didn't charge us rent or board when we were home from uni and that was 'normal' amongst our friends. You would probably describe my parents as very well off/rich. One of my best friends who I lived with at university came from a completely different background and I know it was different for him. I did work in the Easter and Summer holidays.

I think there is another way of looking at this and I apologise for the way it might read. She is very fortunate to be where she is, due to being smart, working hard and your financial situation. If your household income were a bit higher, options/reality could be very different when you couldn't afford to support her at university yet she wouldn't qualify for help (which is a LOT of families.)

You sound reasonable and you say she is a sensible girl. Just talk to her in an honest and respectful way (adult-adult) and I really think she will understand.

Lunar_Eclipse

paulineb wrote: »

I think you are passing the blame onto her when you seem to be struggling with saying the word no.

I think there is a bit of this going on too. Which I can completely understand. You want to treat her when she's home, but you can't afford to and feel guilty or sad about it. It's okay and perfectly normal.

As a parent myself, I totally get it. I'd tell her that too. Make her aware that you're not being mean, you just can't afford it. You can't expect her to know any of this if you don't tell her!

Given this and some attitudes I read all the time on MSE, if you say "I wish we could afford to buy you the food you'd like but sadly that isn't the case" it will feel completely different to "you need to pay for that madam!", "just who do you think you are" or "when do you go back to uni?"

TeamLowe

Tbh when I was at uni the students with the least support financially from parents didn't go home in holidays as they had jobs they needed to keep and couldn't afford to pay rent in two places so she may be right that those who do go home don't get charged rent but that would be because their parents can afford to choose not to

My parents never charged me rent but I did offer it and any extras I wanted I paid for myself, pretty sure working 40 hours a week when I was home meant that I cost them very little extra in utilities- wasn't in the house enough to blast the heating although when it was cold and I was working past midnight, my mum would put a hot water bottle in my bed

duchy

FBaby wrote: »

I do find it quite sad to have to resort to expect your children to pay when they are back from uni. All you risk is her not coming back at all, especially if she can't see her friends. How would you feel then?

.

What utter nonsense
She's hardly a pauper if she's bought the new PS- in facr her disposable income based on full grant plus the extra grand bursary is probably more than her parent's .

The thing with uni (I'm seeing this first hand as I've just gone back to finally finish my degree) is that the playing field simply isn't level. Some students need to work to support themselves-some work to top up their income and some get extra help and don't need to work or can manage to budget .

I'm currently carrying a full load of classes (contact time is the standard fifteen hours a week) and I've reduced my working hours to a mere 33 a week. My assignment marks are currently low first /high 2.2 level and with running a home as well I probably have less time than the average student "spare". Lots of students have part time jobs-some even transfer to local branches in vacation time.
My uni actually has an "employability" award - you get credit (and vouchers as rewards) for any hours worked, volunteering (some fab opportunities- in the last week I was offered the chance to help collate some wartime documents at the local cathedral and could have taken a puppy walking taster class ) helping at open days, mentoring etc .
Lots of students let their parents think Uni doesn't encourage employment but unless you're on a course with lots of lab contact time -it's rarely true as most universities see value in building a work profile to help find eventual employment.
My friend's son is at one of the Russel uni's on a course with lots of lab time-he also ended up sharing a flat with a bunch of lads whose families are all very wealthy. He works holidays at home and has learned to "keep up" not by spending money like water but by budgeting to do the stuff he really wants to do and being a bit picky rather than getting drunk every night -Hasn't hurt his social life or his grades !

I do think some students do "regress" when they go home and look forward to being "looked after" by Mum- but forget that they also expect Mum to think of them as an adult ....usually there's a bit of meeting halfway

OP I suspect your daughter would be quite shocked at what your disposable income and bills are-sit her down and show her .....and then find YOUR middle ground-it is different in each family 0 but no parent should feel guilty in expecting their student kids to make some contribution, whether that is paying for their own extras or helping out more in other ways.

As for the supermarket....leave her at home or hand her a basket for her stuff as you go in and tell her you'll see her once you've both gone through the checkouts