Tricky situation with child

Lily-Rose_3

Jobseeeker wrote: »

I don't think this is fair because she has to pay rent at her University town, a student can't pay two lots of rent!!

But as for the food thing, just get her to go shopping separately and buy her own stuff if she eats a special diet.

I'm not talking about rent though: just a token amount towards food and petrol, but I don't know how much to charge. I only want to cover the extra.

Brallaqueen

I think it is perfectly fair for you to ask her to contribute. She's an adult, she has funds from her loan etc and she is able to work in the holidays to cover the amount she costs you plus plenty for her savings pot or whatever she needs.

But you need to figure pout a sum -it is not much use asking other people as people's circs differ. What is she costing you?

Mojisola

Lily-Rose wrote: »

So some parents DO charge their kids then?! She was most insistent that they don't, and that is why we feel awful asking for anything.

I really thought that it was frowned upon to charge your uni student offspring when they were still at uni - even in the hols.

Why do you care what other parents do? You can't fund her lifestyle on your income. You do what you have to do.

She can either reduce her lifestyle until it doesn't cost you extra, pay her way or stay away from home and fund her own lifestyle.

She sounds as if she doesn't have a lot of respect for the two people in her life who have raised her.

Yorkie1

I think you are right to ask her to contribute towards the costs in the summer. She is an adult and should be able to understand your financial position and how she impacts on your outgoings when she is home with you.

I am not saying she is spoilt, but that - as you say - she may have got used to friends who have different standards of living and more disposable income.

If you don't say anything to her then she probably won't realise the situation. Often, I think parents hide how they penny-pinch because you don't want your children to know the sacrifices you make for them. I only started realising that about my parents when I was quite a bit older than your daughter. But she is now an adult and I think by explaining things to her, you're treating her as the adult she is.

Good luck.

mountainofdebt

Lily-Rose wrote: »

So some parents DO charge their kids then?! She was most insistent that they don't, and that is why we feel awful asking for anything.

I really thought that it was frowned upon to charge your uni student offspring when they were still at uni - even in the hols.

I would say its down to the individual family.

I didn't when Junior came home this summer but there again, he was only home I would say 6 weeks before he went back to take up his 2nd year accommodation and he was out for a month of that working every day so our extra costs were minimal.

I also didn't buy him any special food and the heating went off when we said it went off.

Adrenalina

Hi lily-rose. You must be feeling pretty torn. It's damn hard to say no to your child. I bet you learnt to say no to her when she was 2 and wanted chocolate for breakfast? Or when she wanted to stay up waaaay past her bedtime? That's the stage I'm going through a the moment with my daughter. And it sounds to me as if your daughter has another learning curve to go through.
I know it's easy for me to say. And it's always easier to advise other people. How would you advise a friend that came to you with this?
At the end of the day, if you haven't got the money, you haven't got it. End of. If she is still coming "home" in the holidays you must have some kind of connection. So what's the best way to get through to her? Can you take her out for a coffee and talk her through what's happened, and what you need from her? Can you compromise? (You don't mind getting extra of your normal shopping but anything different/specials needs to come from her purse?) the ferrying around to me is just nonsense. If she wants to see her friends then she needs to find a way of getting there and back. She knew you had moved house and still chose to spend time there? Then it was her choice. She's an adult now, speak to her as you would any other adult.

Personally I don get the dependence on parents. When I let my parents house for uni, I LEFT. It's called flying the nest. It was my choice and I was proud to be independent, and have been ever since. But I have always been fully aware of my parents' financial situation.
Is your daughter aware of yours? Did you treat her to "veggie stuff" etc when she was at school and your finances have changed since then?

Bella73

I agree with the above posters.

A) Stop buying the extras when you go shopping. If she want for example expensive crisps she has to buy then herself.

She shouldn't have spent her grant money on a PS4, if she can't afford things I would suggest that she sells it to fund her lifestyle.

C) if she wants to stay at the old area so much suggest that she stays with a friend and pays their Mum/Dad rent as she likes the area so much, she is an adult so you can move wherever you like, you didnt need her permission.

D) if she wants a taxi service she has to pay for it.

E) even if she is right and non of her friends pay for these things this isn't the card she has been dealt and you cannot afford to sub her so it's live within the confines of your budget or get a job during the holidays and pay her way or stay where her uni is and work up there.

F) with the heating I would also turn the thermostat down and give her a blanket or charge her for the extra heating.

Show her this thread if you don't find it easy to get through to her.

ERICS_MUM

tbh, and NO reflection on you and your DH, she sounds like a right little madam, overly influenced by mixing with people with more disposable income (either on credit, from rich parents etc).

She needs a reality check. She is old enough to face the cold hard facts of fuel, food and other living expenses and learn to budget accordingly. Also she needs to develop more respect for Mum and Dad - you supported her through her A levels and no doubt funded some of her move to uni.

If her friends are so much better off and have cars, let them drive the 40 miles to her.

Sorry to sound harsh but these really are the basics for everyone making the transition from child to independent adult.

Good luck, and don't feel that you are in the wrong. You are exactly right and very reasonable with your expectations, none of them are onerous for her, she just lacks the understanding or the will to "deliver".

Linda xx

Jobseeeker

Lily-Rose wrote: »

So some parents DO charge their kids then?! She was most insistent that they don't, and that is why we feel awful asking for anything.

I really thought that it was frowned upon to charge your uni student offspring when they were still at uni - even in the hols.

All my friends went to Uni and I certainly never heard of anything like that. Although not everyone went back in the summer and some parents didn't allow them to if they had a lot of other kids etc

busiscoming2

I'm sorry if this is harsh but I think you have spoilt her in the past. She is no longer a child and you need to tell her that your financial circumstances are such that you cannot allow her to 'spend' so much of your money.

Lay down ground rules about the heating, shopping and lifts to the old town and as she is home for so long, she could find a temporary job.