Tricky situation with child

thatlemming

I also don't know anyone who gave their parents money during summer, but tbh the majority of my friends are a lot wealthier than I am. Plus our holidays are only about 8 weeks, and most of us stayed in our uni city for at least half of that. If I was going home for 15 weeks (eek!) it might be a bit different than just the 3 weeks I spent there, and I bought my own food etc then anyway.

Lily-Rose_3

jellyhead wrote: »

I didn't know anyone who paid when they went back home for holidays, but I know a fair few who bought their own food and toiletries and paid for their own transportation.

As a veggie, I started paying for my own food while I was taking my A levels, never mind once I'd started uni. I realise that her friends are rich, but surely she must know people who have to work just to make ends meet during term time, and get a job when they go back home for the long holiday?

When/if mine go I would probably expect them to fund their own toiletries unless they were using the basic stuff I bought, and any food that wasn't part of my shopping, but I think I would feed them meals and cover the electricity costs. They would have no say whatsoever in what the thermostat was set to though!

21 or above would be horrendous, ugh! We'd all boil. How much does she wear? Make sure she wears socks or slippers, and a jumper, or give her a blanket to use while she is awake after you go to bed. I am the only person who gets cold in this house, so I wear extra layers. If she's that cold she could wear a onesie.

This would do Jellyhead. If she got her own extra food and paid for her own travelling about. (And if she quit putting the thermostat up to 22!) Like I said, it costs us about a fiver in petrol to take her to our old town and back and then go there and back to get her back again!

Or if not, then give us about £10/12 a week and we will include the lifts and extra food. We don't want a lot

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

'Sorry sweetheart, there's no petrol in the car because the petrol money got spent in the supermarket'

'Sorry darling, I can't buy you those things you like because we've been wiped out by having to pay/top up the gas/electricity'

'Sorry, there's no washing powder/shower gel. Unless you could go and get them'


'Sorry, can't help with next year's deposit. Just not got the money.'


Rinse and repeat.

Bennifred

I think you are being more than reasonable. Now put your foot down!:D She always has a choice if she doesn't like it....although I expect she's just a bit thoughtless and will agree to contribute if she's as nice as you say.

Pechow

Most people I knew, including myself, contributed in some way while at uni when we went back home. I still do (if I go home) now. If not rent, then money towards the electric meter, buying essentials like bread and milk, petrol fund, things like that.

Humphrey10

Lily-Rose wrote: »

has her kindle, phone, ipod, and laptop on charge half of her waking hours,

That's not going to make a measurable difference. Over a year, an iPhone 5 will cost about £1 to charge. That's over a year. The iPod would be about the same if it's an iPod Touch, less I assume if it's not. The Kindle will be far less, the laptop will be much more (but still very little).

But do complain about the heating and the groceries and the lifts in the car, get her to contribute to those, she probably doesn't realise how much those cost.

Don't charge her rent, she'll probably have to pay rent at uni (if she rents privately) over the summer anyway.

Georgiegirl256

Lily-Rose wrote: »

It's just 'telling' her now LOL.

Think I will wait til after Christmas!!!

See, I don't get this? Who's the parents here? It sounds like you're scared to mention it to her.

Simple tell her that money is tight, and you get afford all these extras, so she either cuts back on them or makes a contribution.

tiger_eyes

Lily-Rose wrote: »

I don't think it's as much this, as she does love and care about us, I know she does, and she does make/buy nice gifts for us and treats us well in general, BUT I think it is literally that she is a bit thoughtless occasionally, and she 'doesn't think;' not an excuse: but more an explanation.

I have to admit (red face) that until very recently I was that thoughtless person - in fact, I probably still am. What helps me avoid committing a faux pas despite my half-asleep little bubble is to know exactly what the rules are for contributing to the household. So:

• IF it's convenient, you might run her into town but it will cost her £x for the petrol. Otherwise she can get the bus and/or a taxi.
• She can give you a list of things to buy while shopping but she has to reimburse you immediately.
• She can either stop turning the heating on, or pay you an extra £x per week to cover the increased costs.

That's clear and unambiguous enough for even the most dozy person (red face again). Just a thought...

itsanne

If you look, there are plenty of threads about getting adult children to pay their way so you are far from alone.

There has been plenty of good advice on here already. The only extra I can think of is to encourage her to sleep over at friends' houses some of the time to avoid the constant ferrying. She could reciprocate, but you might want to have the financial conversation first . The "taxi service" is probably the thing that has the most impact on you because it's both expensive and time consuming. (I remember it well!)

You say that she is both bright and not really spoiled. If she is to understand how much you actually need her to pay her way, you really need to sit with her and show her why. It would be better to do that sooner rather than later, otherwise she'll think you are managing better than you are. It might not be the conversation you are looking forward to, but it would be best to get it over with.

If your daughter is as well off as you say, it would be good if you could also encourage her to save. Maybe you should introduce her to this site!

sweaty_betty

I paid for student accommodation 12 months of the year because I lived in non-university accommodation. However, when I went home I also paid towards my keep - I think we worked it out to be 25-30% of my wages (after tax) up to a certain amount (which I can't remember!), which seemed fair - especially as some of my summer work was casual so I could work 40 hours one week and none the next.

I'll be honest, I was a bit put out when my parents brought up the idea of paying, but as the same arrangement was also in place for my younger brother as he started his apprenticeship, I couldn't argue that it wasn't fair. I had friends whose parents didn't charge them - possibly the majority if I'm honest.
(However I also had friends whose parents had told them that they would support them through university on the condition that they paid for them (parents) to go on two holidays a year, I presume indefinitely - I think I was more shocked by this than my parents bringing up the idea of paying "board". I guess we're all different...)

I'm actually really grateful for this - I'd always been aware of finance etc (& was in less debt than a lot of my friends) but it helped to teach me that I need to be responsible for myself and not expect to "live off" other people (even my parents). I had a job during term time and managed to avoid the overdraft that all my friends had built up at the end.